Breathe.


I find it childlike and it makes me feel shy to wax eloquent about R. And it constantly surprises me because I remember writing jeweled poetry and recounting nostalgic experiences with the insignificant men of my past relationships. In being with R, I've understood an entire new meaning of love. What's there to write about really? It doesn't feel like there ever was a time when he wasn't a part of my life and yet, I remember that time so vividly.

But god, men can be annoying. I am a little paranoid about everything right now. Esp. since there are a lot of firsts in my life right now. My first *own* apartment etc. I don't like people wearing shoes in my house, I need my kitchen clean, I need the sink cleaned at night, I don't like clothes all over the place...and I DONT like the AC on all the time. I get cold too easily. And what do you think R is like? Total bloddy opposite!

I just bought a four hundred dollar bed, my very first purchase. And R jumps on it and plops on it every single fukin time! And if he wants to get up, he stands on the bed and jumps down. And it grates my nerves. I didn't pay all this money to have a broken bed in six months. And now he does it only to annoy me. It makes me want to tear my hair.

I'm always freezing in my OWN apartment because His Majesty wants the AC on. God forbid if I have the AC off or worse, the heat on. And then he makes an (annoying in hindsight) but (adorable in circumctances) puppy face, and he's sweating and he pretends to be dying and I shurg my sholders, bury myself inside my closet and come out as though I'm dressed for Iceland.

He's lucky I love him so much, but one of these days, I'm going to lock him out or worse, hope for the AC to break.

***

I am in the process of buying a car, atleast once my employment paperwork gets through. I am buying a car because my job requires it, I'm not particularly looking forward to adding another five hundred bucks to my monthly expenses. I can barely afford a card, but I'm already addicted to the freedom it will grant me.

And learning stuff about insurance, payments, savings, financial planning, hiring an accountant....it fukin feels so grown up. It's like the last vestige of being a carefree whimsy birdie. Now it's all about the future. But I can't argue with teh fact that I live my present far better knowing my future is secure. It isn't yet, but inshallah, it will soon be.

***

My friend and R's best friend, is on teh threshold of graduation and picking his best options and he's so smart, companies have already started wooing him. Companies that don't sponsor H1 Visas are making an exception for him... and he's got everythign going for him. One of the things that makes me happiest about growing up, is seeign where life takes my friends. Its so heartening to see how people you knew as puny, lukha college students who had to scrape money for khanna and who sneaked into movie theaters from the exit door to avoid paying $8 for a ticket, are goign places, becoming adults, talkign big dreams and just... growing up.
A strange sort of humility hides somewhere in there.

***

And this weekend, I'm gonna paint the city red. I'm going dancing, with or without boyfriend. Nothing. will. stop. me.
Happy saturday!