meeting halfway
Published Wednesday, September 20, 2006 by Color/Light/Water.
Sometimes, I make the horrible mistake of putting my foot in my mouth. Let me explain the unusual outburst and the cause of it. It was obviously directed towards R.
Friday night we had a big fight and it was my fault and I take full responsibility for it. So we made up and Saturday decided to give the entire day to ourselves. We had lunch at a not-so-good place but I wanted to try it since a long time. And bought tickets for the Illusionist. We spent the 40 minutes or so before the movie browsing through an independent book store and I end up buying Everything is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran, (If you haven’t seen the movie, watch it. It’s awesome) and Lord of the Flies. We put some more quarters in the car again and entered the theater. We miscalculated the time and reached when all the best aisle seats were taken so I found two empty seats at the back near two very fat, very old , very wrinkled, very adorable women. They were so beautifully and comfortable situated in their seats that they asked if we could just squeeze through. I had no problems but R has such long legs that he fumbled a little and gave me the look, “didn’t you find any other seats.”
But the movie was AWESOME. Blew our minds away. I’m so glad I went for this movie. We were driving back home when I spotted the monthly art exhibit at Rittenhouse square and begged to R to park the car and look at art with me. We were lucky to find parking in the area and we looked at the not-so-impressive but super-expensive art and as we were walking back our friend Resh called us. We hadn’t seen her in a while so we decided to stay put on Walnut street and grab a drink with her.
We found a cozy bar and got a table and waited for Resh to show up. R complained that I had stopped drinking alcohol and that he missed my company and in a whimsy, I ordered a mojito. The fuking mojito was so strong, that it screwed me over. When Resh came, we hung out for a bit and then walked down the street to her apartment. Resh played an old cassette of Salman Khan songs and I was so tipsy, we laughed at those poufy hair, baby doll frocks and gaudy makeup from the 90’s. did I mention the funky dance steps? Esp. from that movie Panther and Phool or something when he does that jig with Raveena Tandon. I blew us man, did we really grow up watching this stuff?
We were having so much fun but we had to leave. So we made plans to meet in a few hours at Mahagony, the cigar lounge on the street. So R and me hurried home.. we walked through gaybourhood, R was visibly uncomfortable and I was sadly dying to see some drag queens. We grabbed a slice of pizza and walked towards the car. Only- we had forgotten where the car was parked. We hunted and hunted for about 45 minutes and then realized we were hunting on the wrong street. Finally we found the car and headed home. Changed quickly and went to Mahagony. That mojito had totally hit me by now and R was getting a little annoyed with me.
Four of our friends were already there and a few arrived later. So we are all sitting and having a good time and the guys are sharing jokes about the waitresses and from somewhere, someone asked R to ask for one of the waitresses number. I’m not even sure who picked the topic… maybe it was me? But I have no recollection. But then I edged him on and challenged him. He flatly refused and after a bit, I forgot all about it and went to the restroom with my girlfriend. So while my girlfriend showed me her flat worked-out tummy and made me feel miserable about mine, the guys forced R to ask for the waitresses number. He kept refusing but the boys including his best friend kept forcing him. To shut them up (and me, I suppose) he just asked for her number and that bitch gave it to him.
So I come back from the restroom and his best friend smiles at me and shows me the paper napkin with the number on it. And I look slightly bemused at R. and he said, you asked for it. Then, I feel a little bit of pride and confusion and want to kiss R. The fact that he’s still so desired and wanted by other women makes my heart melt. Coz guess who’s going home with this boy? Me.
But that feeling doesn’t last long. The stupid waitress comes by again and whispers to R that he should call her. Now R is feeling bad that he bought her hopes up… so he wants to alleviate his guilt. So he gets and tells me that he’s gonna make sure that the waitress gets the tip and goes to the bar. My eyes follow her and that bloody waitress, overjoyed at his concern, gave him a hug and a kiss on his cheeks. I fumed when I saw that.
And then R started acting oddly with me. And then his best friend Dhru, took us all to his apartment. He had a joint of weed and he thought it would be cool for all of us to smoke it to together. Let me tell you one thing, I’ve never smoked before, not even a cigg. But I kinda always wanted to try weed so I took a puff and it burned my throat. But it was the funnest night we’ve had in a long time even though we didn’t go dancing.
There was hardly enough of that stuff for one person so it didn’t really hit any of us. We chilled for a bit and then trooped back home. R and me just went to bed without saying a word to each other.
In the morning, we spoke up and it was so dreary and dull. We spoke and he told me he was pissed off that I challenged him infront of his friends to ask for that girls number. And just.. one thing led to another and we didn’t talk to each other properly all day. And I kept getting these horrible thoughts of him leaving me for someone else and my mind started overtiming and overworking and argh. It was horrible. We fought in the morning, we fought at nights, we annoyed each other to the extent of breaking up. My alarm pissed him off and him plopping on the bed pissed me off and it was just a dark dark time.
Which probably explains why I wrote that post.
But, things heal and we are healing. He is practical to the point of being a 35 year old in a 24 year old body and I’m idealistic to the point of being a 13 year old in a 23 year old body. And that’s where we clash. So loudly that it rattles and shakes everything around us and the very foundation of what we believe in and how we perceive our lives.
I was once told me a tarot card reader that if I last it out with R for 2 something years, we are for good. But such prophecies are best not believed. How can someone/ anyone tell the future of a relationship when all that exists is the present and our dreams for tomorrow? We are trying to meet each other at 23. I’m trying to grow up for him and he’s learning to be more child-like and more his age for me. And maybe, just maybe it will work out.
The last few days have been spent blissfully in the domesticity of life. We come home late and tired, we cook dinner together (he made awesome dosas last night and my pathetic attempt at making some kerlaite chutney turned out completely something else which was quite delicious) we read together and then we sleep, waking up to yet another routine. But never in my life have I so looked forward to sharing a routine. Especially with him.
Friday night we had a big fight and it was my fault and I take full responsibility for it. So we made up and Saturday decided to give the entire day to ourselves. We had lunch at a not-so-good place but I wanted to try it since a long time. And bought tickets for the Illusionist. We spent the 40 minutes or so before the movie browsing through an independent book store and I end up buying Everything is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran, (If you haven’t seen the movie, watch it. It’s awesome) and Lord of the Flies. We put some more quarters in the car again and entered the theater. We miscalculated the time and reached when all the best aisle seats were taken so I found two empty seats at the back near two very fat, very old , very wrinkled, very adorable women. They were so beautifully and comfortable situated in their seats that they asked if we could just squeeze through. I had no problems but R has such long legs that he fumbled a little and gave me the look, “didn’t you find any other seats.”
But the movie was AWESOME. Blew our minds away. I’m so glad I went for this movie. We were driving back home when I spotted the monthly art exhibit at Rittenhouse square and begged to R to park the car and look at art with me. We were lucky to find parking in the area and we looked at the not-so-impressive but super-expensive art and as we were walking back our friend Resh called us. We hadn’t seen her in a while so we decided to stay put on Walnut street and grab a drink with her.
We found a cozy bar and got a table and waited for Resh to show up. R complained that I had stopped drinking alcohol and that he missed my company and in a whimsy, I ordered a mojito. The fuking mojito was so strong, that it screwed me over. When Resh came, we hung out for a bit and then walked down the street to her apartment. Resh played an old cassette of Salman Khan songs and I was so tipsy, we laughed at those poufy hair, baby doll frocks and gaudy makeup from the 90’s. did I mention the funky dance steps? Esp. from that movie Panther and Phool or something when he does that jig with Raveena Tandon. I blew us man, did we really grow up watching this stuff?
We were having so much fun but we had to leave. So we made plans to meet in a few hours at Mahagony, the cigar lounge on the street. So R and me hurried home.. we walked through gaybourhood, R was visibly uncomfortable and I was sadly dying to see some drag queens. We grabbed a slice of pizza and walked towards the car. Only- we had forgotten where the car was parked. We hunted and hunted for about 45 minutes and then realized we were hunting on the wrong street. Finally we found the car and headed home. Changed quickly and went to Mahagony. That mojito had totally hit me by now and R was getting a little annoyed with me.
Four of our friends were already there and a few arrived later. So we are all sitting and having a good time and the guys are sharing jokes about the waitresses and from somewhere, someone asked R to ask for one of the waitresses number. I’m not even sure who picked the topic… maybe it was me? But I have no recollection. But then I edged him on and challenged him. He flatly refused and after a bit, I forgot all about it and went to the restroom with my girlfriend. So while my girlfriend showed me her flat worked-out tummy and made me feel miserable about mine, the guys forced R to ask for the waitresses number. He kept refusing but the boys including his best friend kept forcing him. To shut them up (and me, I suppose) he just asked for her number and that bitch gave it to him.
So I come back from the restroom and his best friend smiles at me and shows me the paper napkin with the number on it. And I look slightly bemused at R. and he said, you asked for it. Then, I feel a little bit of pride and confusion and want to kiss R. The fact that he’s still so desired and wanted by other women makes my heart melt. Coz guess who’s going home with this boy? Me.
But that feeling doesn’t last long. The stupid waitress comes by again and whispers to R that he should call her. Now R is feeling bad that he bought her hopes up… so he wants to alleviate his guilt. So he gets and tells me that he’s gonna make sure that the waitress gets the tip and goes to the bar. My eyes follow her and that bloody waitress, overjoyed at his concern, gave him a hug and a kiss on his cheeks. I fumed when I saw that.
And then R started acting oddly with me. And then his best friend Dhru, took us all to his apartment. He had a joint of weed and he thought it would be cool for all of us to smoke it to together. Let me tell you one thing, I’ve never smoked before, not even a cigg. But I kinda always wanted to try weed so I took a puff and it burned my throat. But it was the funnest night we’ve had in a long time even though we didn’t go dancing.
There was hardly enough of that stuff for one person so it didn’t really hit any of us. We chilled for a bit and then trooped back home. R and me just went to bed without saying a word to each other.
In the morning, we spoke up and it was so dreary and dull. We spoke and he told me he was pissed off that I challenged him infront of his friends to ask for that girls number. And just.. one thing led to another and we didn’t talk to each other properly all day. And I kept getting these horrible thoughts of him leaving me for someone else and my mind started overtiming and overworking and argh. It was horrible. We fought in the morning, we fought at nights, we annoyed each other to the extent of breaking up. My alarm pissed him off and him plopping on the bed pissed me off and it was just a dark dark time.
Which probably explains why I wrote that post.
But, things heal and we are healing. He is practical to the point of being a 35 year old in a 24 year old body and I’m idealistic to the point of being a 13 year old in a 23 year old body. And that’s where we clash. So loudly that it rattles and shakes everything around us and the very foundation of what we believe in and how we perceive our lives.
I was once told me a tarot card reader that if I last it out with R for 2 something years, we are for good. But such prophecies are best not believed. How can someone/ anyone tell the future of a relationship when all that exists is the present and our dreams for tomorrow? We are trying to meet each other at 23. I’m trying to grow up for him and he’s learning to be more child-like and more his age for me. And maybe, just maybe it will work out.
The last few days have been spent blissfully in the domesticity of life. We come home late and tired, we cook dinner together (he made awesome dosas last night and my pathetic attempt at making some kerlaite chutney turned out completely something else which was quite delicious) we read together and then we sleep, waking up to yet another routine. But never in my life have I so looked forward to sharing a routine. Especially with him.
this is probably my last post here. i cant do this anymore, im not honest to myself here.
i know certain people are reading this and i no longer feel as close to them as i did at one point. and you'll never know who im taking about coz i wont tell. but if you know me even a little, you know its you.
sorry, but i have to do this.
goodbye, indefinitely.
i know certain people are reading this and i no longer feel as close to them as i did at one point. and you'll never know who im taking about coz i wont tell. but if you know me even a little, you know its you.
sorry, but i have to do this.
goodbye, indefinitely.
sunshiny days
Published by Color/Light/Water.
Breathe.
I find it childlike and it makes me feel shy to wax eloquent about R. And it constantly surprises me because I remember writing jeweled poetry and recounting nostalgic experiences with the insignificant men of my past relationships. In being with R, I've understood an entire new meaning of love. What's there to write about really? It doesn't feel like there ever was a time when he wasn't a part of my life and yet, I remember that time so vividly.
But god, men can be annoying. I am a little paranoid about everything right now. Esp. since there are a lot of firsts in my life right now. My first *own* apartment etc. I don't like people wearing shoes in my house, I need my kitchen clean, I need the sink cleaned at night, I don't like clothes all over the place...and I DONT like the AC on all the time. I get cold too easily. And what do you think R is like? Total bloddy opposite!
I just bought a four hundred dollar bed, my very first purchase. And R jumps on it and plops on it every single fukin time! And if he wants to get up, he stands on the bed and jumps down. And it grates my nerves. I didn't pay all this money to have a broken bed in six months. And now he does it only to annoy me. It makes me want to tear my hair.
I'm always freezing in my OWN apartment because His Majesty wants the AC on. God forbid if I have the AC off or worse, the heat on. And then he makes an (annoying in hindsight) but (adorable in circumctances) puppy face, and he's sweating and he pretends to be dying and I shurg my sholders, bury myself inside my closet and come out as though I'm dressed for Iceland.
He's lucky I love him so much, but one of these days, I'm going to lock him out or worse, hope for the AC to break.
***
I am in the process of buying a car, atleast once my employment paperwork gets through. I am buying a car because my job requires it, I'm not particularly looking forward to adding another five hundred bucks to my monthly expenses. I can barely afford a card, but I'm already addicted to the freedom it will grant me.
And learning stuff about insurance, payments, savings, financial planning, hiring an accountant....it fukin feels so grown up. It's like the last vestige of being a carefree whimsy birdie. Now it's all about the future. But I can't argue with teh fact that I live my present far better knowing my future is secure. It isn't yet, but inshallah, it will soon be.
***
My friend and R's best friend, is on teh threshold of graduation and picking his best options and he's so smart, companies have already started wooing him. Companies that don't sponsor H1 Visas are making an exception for him... and he's got everythign going for him. One of the things that makes me happiest about growing up, is seeign where life takes my friends. Its so heartening to see how people you knew as puny, lukha college students who had to scrape money for khanna and who sneaked into movie theaters from the exit door to avoid paying $8 for a ticket, are goign places, becoming adults, talkign big dreams and just... growing up.
A strange sort of humility hides somewhere in there.
***
And this weekend, I'm gonna paint the city red. I'm going dancing, with or without boyfriend. Nothing. will. stop. me.
Happy saturday!
I find it childlike and it makes me feel shy to wax eloquent about R. And it constantly surprises me because I remember writing jeweled poetry and recounting nostalgic experiences with the insignificant men of my past relationships. In being with R, I've understood an entire new meaning of love. What's there to write about really? It doesn't feel like there ever was a time when he wasn't a part of my life and yet, I remember that time so vividly.
But god, men can be annoying. I am a little paranoid about everything right now. Esp. since there are a lot of firsts in my life right now. My first *own* apartment etc. I don't like people wearing shoes in my house, I need my kitchen clean, I need the sink cleaned at night, I don't like clothes all over the place...and I DONT like the AC on all the time. I get cold too easily. And what do you think R is like? Total bloddy opposite!
I just bought a four hundred dollar bed, my very first purchase. And R jumps on it and plops on it every single fukin time! And if he wants to get up, he stands on the bed and jumps down. And it grates my nerves. I didn't pay all this money to have a broken bed in six months. And now he does it only to annoy me. It makes me want to tear my hair.
I'm always freezing in my OWN apartment because His Majesty wants the AC on. God forbid if I have the AC off or worse, the heat on. And then he makes an (annoying in hindsight) but (adorable in circumctances) puppy face, and he's sweating and he pretends to be dying and I shurg my sholders, bury myself inside my closet and come out as though I'm dressed for Iceland.
He's lucky I love him so much, but one of these days, I'm going to lock him out or worse, hope for the AC to break.
***
I am in the process of buying a car, atleast once my employment paperwork gets through. I am buying a car because my job requires it, I'm not particularly looking forward to adding another five hundred bucks to my monthly expenses. I can barely afford a card, but I'm already addicted to the freedom it will grant me.
And learning stuff about insurance, payments, savings, financial planning, hiring an accountant....it fukin feels so grown up. It's like the last vestige of being a carefree whimsy birdie. Now it's all about the future. But I can't argue with teh fact that I live my present far better knowing my future is secure. It isn't yet, but inshallah, it will soon be.
***
My friend and R's best friend, is on teh threshold of graduation and picking his best options and he's so smart, companies have already started wooing him. Companies that don't sponsor H1 Visas are making an exception for him... and he's got everythign going for him. One of the things that makes me happiest about growing up, is seeign where life takes my friends. Its so heartening to see how people you knew as puny, lukha college students who had to scrape money for khanna and who sneaked into movie theaters from the exit door to avoid paying $8 for a ticket, are goign places, becoming adults, talkign big dreams and just... growing up.
A strange sort of humility hides somewhere in there.
***
And this weekend, I'm gonna paint the city red. I'm going dancing, with or without boyfriend. Nothing. will. stop. me.
Happy saturday!
working girl
Published Tuesday, September 05, 2006 by Color/Light/Water.
My boss put together a cross-functional team for my project a few weeks back. they all made it to the first meeting and none showed up for the second meeting. I was a bit bummed and so I scheduled 1-on-1 meetings to get to know them better, to have them understand me and just break the ice and sell them on my project. unless they think of this as their baby too, I'll never get a 100% from them.
so today, when the mktg director wasn't able to make it to my meeting, he emailed me and informed me about it. and said something about "our project." it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. atleast my team members are thinking about this project as their baby! in the next 2 weeks, i hope to gain more goodwill and totally convert them into firm believers of the project that I'm heading. it feels awesome especially coz I'm a lowly 23 year old and these are people with fantastic experiences and years and years of experience. I'm learning oh so much. But deep down, I am always on the edge. Wondering what if I get fired? what if my company decides to not go ahead with the project? my paperwork isn't completely done yet and it makes me anxious. funnily, I've never thought- what if I fail at this project. That's a good indication, I suppose. I live to work. and thankfilly, I love my work.
***
This weekend was totally chilled out. We didn't do anything extravagant, just slept half the day and stayed up half teh nights! We drove down to jersey to watch munna bhai and my sister (Jolly) and me cannot stop humming "pal pal.." On our way back from the movie, Gaurav got cranky because it was long weekend and he wanted to *do* something. So we made a detour and drove to Altantic City. It was super fun! We didn't gamble much, all of us are big sissies when it comes to gambling money. But we decided to go to vegas next year and go all out.
Yesterday R went to watch the US Open live with his best friend. He was gone for most of the day and believe it or not, even though we missed each other crazy, we both end up having a great time. I spent quality time with Jolly. She cooked dosas for lunch and I rent 'Just my luck', the silly chick flick. After lunch, I walked to the city to spend some money (hehe) and bought a lovely SJP-like dress that I can wear to work as is and can wear out to dinner if I only added a piece of electric blue silk ribbon to it. Improvisations! My time from the ny fashion mags comes in handy now. While shopping at the store, I befriended the shopgirl who was grumbling about having to fold the pile of clothes other shoppers left behind. "People are such animals!" Turns out, she lives a block from my building and is an engg. from U Mich Ann-Arbor. She is in-between jobs right now and has to suck it up in retail until she finds something else. Mostly, we hit it off coz she's from Lebanon and we had enough stories to swap about our countries. We end up walking home together and she's promised to teach me belly dancing if I feed her some Indian food! yaaay!
I also bumped into two very good friends of mine while walking in the city and end up having coffee with them. It was just so good to be out on my own, without a boyfriend.... I don't mean it in a negative way. I mean it exactly the way I said it. I hung out with my girl-friends, swapped stories, made plans to go salsa-ing this weekend and came home a happy camper.
Jolly invited me for dinner and we cooked together. I grumbled coz she insisted on making rotis from scratch (atta and all) I pleaded that we should just heat the frozen malaysian paraths and she wouldn't listen. But boy, am I glad! The rotis were dripping with Amul ghee and while it took us 2 hours to cook the meal, it was over in 10 mintues! We pounced on it like we'd never seen food before.
After dinner she ordered me to go inside her room. She said she had a "surprise." She walks in the room a few minutes later with FALOODA!!!!
I almost died!
And gulped down the glass, stuffing my already over-stuffed stomach.
I came home and chilled with another friend for a bit and then went to bed. R came back from teh match at 4am and I was sooo happy. I woke up , we talked, he showed me the pics, gave me a smiley bear that says US OPEN and we hugged and went to bed.
the best sleep i ever had!!!
so today, when the mktg director wasn't able to make it to my meeting, he emailed me and informed me about it. and said something about "our project." it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. atleast my team members are thinking about this project as their baby! in the next 2 weeks, i hope to gain more goodwill and totally convert them into firm believers of the project that I'm heading. it feels awesome especially coz I'm a lowly 23 year old and these are people with fantastic experiences and years and years of experience. I'm learning oh so much. But deep down, I am always on the edge. Wondering what if I get fired? what if my company decides to not go ahead with the project? my paperwork isn't completely done yet and it makes me anxious. funnily, I've never thought- what if I fail at this project. That's a good indication, I suppose. I live to work. and thankfilly, I love my work.
***
This weekend was totally chilled out. We didn't do anything extravagant, just slept half the day and stayed up half teh nights! We drove down to jersey to watch munna bhai and my sister (Jolly) and me cannot stop humming "pal pal.." On our way back from the movie, Gaurav got cranky because it was long weekend and he wanted to *do* something. So we made a detour and drove to Altantic City. It was super fun! We didn't gamble much, all of us are big sissies when it comes to gambling money. But we decided to go to vegas next year and go all out.
Yesterday R went to watch the US Open live with his best friend. He was gone for most of the day and believe it or not, even though we missed each other crazy, we both end up having a great time. I spent quality time with Jolly. She cooked dosas for lunch and I rent 'Just my luck', the silly chick flick. After lunch, I walked to the city to spend some money (hehe) and bought a lovely SJP-like dress that I can wear to work as is and can wear out to dinner if I only added a piece of electric blue silk ribbon to it. Improvisations! My time from the ny fashion mags comes in handy now. While shopping at the store, I befriended the shopgirl who was grumbling about having to fold the pile of clothes other shoppers left behind. "People are such animals!" Turns out, she lives a block from my building and is an engg. from U Mich Ann-Arbor. She is in-between jobs right now and has to suck it up in retail until she finds something else. Mostly, we hit it off coz she's from Lebanon and we had enough stories to swap about our countries. We end up walking home together and she's promised to teach me belly dancing if I feed her some Indian food! yaaay!
I also bumped into two very good friends of mine while walking in the city and end up having coffee with them. It was just so good to be out on my own, without a boyfriend.... I don't mean it in a negative way. I mean it exactly the way I said it. I hung out with my girl-friends, swapped stories, made plans to go salsa-ing this weekend and came home a happy camper.
Jolly invited me for dinner and we cooked together. I grumbled coz she insisted on making rotis from scratch (atta and all) I pleaded that we should just heat the frozen malaysian paraths and she wouldn't listen. But boy, am I glad! The rotis were dripping with Amul ghee and while it took us 2 hours to cook the meal, it was over in 10 mintues! We pounced on it like we'd never seen food before.
After dinner she ordered me to go inside her room. She said she had a "surprise." She walks in the room a few minutes later with FALOODA!!!!
I almost died!
And gulped down the glass, stuffing my already over-stuffed stomach.
I came home and chilled with another friend for a bit and then went to bed. R came back from teh match at 4am and I was sooo happy. I woke up , we talked, he showed me the pics, gave me a smiley bear that says US OPEN and we hugged and went to bed.
the best sleep i ever had!!!
too much of a good thing
Published Friday, September 01, 2006 by Color/Light/Water.
Last night, another murky fight, wasted evening, spent feeligns and hurt eyes. relationships are so hard. eternal love and all that is one thing but (attempting) to live with someone 24/7 is another. there is no room for bullshit coz when you do, you get caught.
We are just too different and althought I know R occasionally reads this, I guess I have to admit that sometiems I wonder if love will keep us through this. He thinks I'm psycho and I think he has an anger problem. And this is a relationship, so even though it is very tempting to bring in a third person to judge who's right and wrong, we just have to talk it through and figure out who's right and who's wrong, coz trust me, someone is always wrong.
He feels that I take him for granted, which I agree, I do sometimes but have been makign a conscious effor to not do so. and btw, this was the a fukin difficult sentence to admit to.
Two friends of ours, that are married and live a few floors above mine talked to us one night when me and R fought infront of them and I hit R. (it was a terrible night) This is my first real relationship, and R and me are both ambititious and headstrong and I think we have big egos when it comes to each other. I don't knwo what it is man! All I know is, I dont want to screw this up.
***
I've been dyin to go otu dancing since such a long time. i don't remember the last time I went dancing. But it wont be possible this wekeend either thanks to hurricane ernesto. ill have to stay cooped in my apt. and clean my bathroom. how fun.
We are just too different and althought I know R occasionally reads this, I guess I have to admit that sometiems I wonder if love will keep us through this. He thinks I'm psycho and I think he has an anger problem. And this is a relationship, so even though it is very tempting to bring in a third person to judge who's right and wrong, we just have to talk it through and figure out who's right and who's wrong, coz trust me, someone is always wrong.
He feels that I take him for granted, which I agree, I do sometimes but have been makign a conscious effor to not do so. and btw, this was the a fukin difficult sentence to admit to.
Two friends of ours, that are married and live a few floors above mine talked to us one night when me and R fought infront of them and I hit R. (it was a terrible night) This is my first real relationship, and R and me are both ambititious and headstrong and I think we have big egos when it comes to each other. I don't knwo what it is man! All I know is, I dont want to screw this up.
***
I've been dyin to go otu dancing since such a long time. i don't remember the last time I went dancing. But it wont be possible this wekeend either thanks to hurricane ernesto. ill have to stay cooped in my apt. and clean my bathroom. how fun.