I'm feeling a little sad right now. I don't have a place to live. Technically, this shouldn't bother me because I've been living alone and from the suitcase for so long, but it does. I feel like a wounded mongrel living on others sympathy and leftover bits. I am too poor to live in NY and I gave away my apt in Philly to my sister. This weekend, I have to go and pack all my stuff and put it in a corner so it can sit there and gather dust.
I'm living with kind cousins in Jersey until I can save enough to get myself an apartment. God knows when that will be. I wonder if its worth it- yeah I'll save money and spend time with cousins, but there's too much mental angst and violation of my self to come to terms with.
I've always been such situations-- that push me a little over the edge and demand more out of me. At college, I was the only Indian girl in J-school and I was "left-out" from the other Indians who were all huddled in business school. Even here, the career path I have chosen for myself requires me to be in NY and the life I carefully built for myself resides in Philadelphia. Please don't leave me comments saying it will get better and things will change-- I know that. I am simply venting because in my head- I know no one reads this place. And even if they do, I don't give a fuck. Oh btw-- I have no idea why I'm anonymous here. The only reason I didn't put my name here is because people do google searches on my name and I'd like them to end up at the other blog not here. I'm a writer/reporter/editor -- and honestly, I don't want to get fired for writing about my job. Coz that's happened before! But if you want to know my name and the other blog name, leave me a comment and I will email you.

I am only writing here because I need to talk to someone and there's no one available. R is asleep and I can't talk to him with my cousins around. I don't talk to my sister about my feelings. My friends are busy. :(

I just want to bitch to someone. About everyone. Its sad but I'm the kind of people who feels better by making other people look bad- but I don't mean it. Its just what works with me when I feel blue. And don't go judging me-- we all secretly have that person hiding inside us, just not the balls to admit to it.

:( I want a place. I want a home. I want something, someplace to call my home.

Why is it that we can write, mostly, with fondness about our pasts? Why are relationships defined and framed in names and roles? I'm 22. And I have been in love twice. But I've loved many men. When I talk to an ex, (although the break-up was messy, we have both gracefully matured and are now friends who care for each other's well-being) we wonder where those days disappeared. We don't stray near that territory often - but when we do...it is a joyful, mystical ride for me. Is it because we share a past? a connection to where we come from? or just some happy memories?

The last time I was in India, I cleared many skeletons from my closet. When I was 15, I had committed the worst mistake a gangly, boyish teenager can commit-- I had fallen in love with my best friend. Ofcourse, it played out in the typical Kuch Kuch Hota Hai fashion (only the movie hadn't released then and when the movie did come out- I cried in the theater and inwardly thanked Karan Johar for making that movie. I hoped that my best friend would watch and realize what he didn't know.)
We were so close. So incredibly close. Everything that happened to me, replayed all over again when I narrated to him at the end of the day. And everything he experienced, thought, felt, knew--came to me like a little bird returning to its nest every night. We were comfort for each other.
We fell apart...though. I found new people, I found a handsome boy who liked me...and I outgrew my windshield-like spectacles and impish hair. My best friend did love me, he always had....only it was too late when he realized it. We didn't speak/meet for a couple of years after that. This time I got in touch with him when I went home.

It was a little awkward. I didn't know how to act around him, with him. At one point, he used to be my best friend-- he used to be mine. And that was the only way I had known him. On my birthday, I insisted that he hang out with my friends and get to know them....that night, I apologized to him. I still don't know why I said sorry and for what. But I think he deserved it.

I had hoped that we would become the old best friends again. But those slots weren't open anymore. His was taken and so was mine.

When I was in fourth grade, I watched the promos for Aladin on TV. A mish-mash of stills and images from the movie moving rapidly to the sounds of "A whole new world." I still remember being enthralled at the swish in the clouds and the carpet flying over majestic minarets. The sights, sounds, colors and magic of that one single song held me captivated for life. Since then, I waited for my prince The summer of 9th grade, I told my best friend that I'd tell him the day I met my prince. Seven summers later, I told him about R and he was genuinely happy for me.

This time when we said goodbye, we knew it was the begining of a new friendship.

I just watched an absolutely wonderful, inspiring and beautiful movie. It's called Millions- and it is about two little brothers who find a sack of money. The cinematography is excellent and that coupled with the soundtrack-- oooh-- it put me in such a joyous mood that I had to get up at 3.15am to log an entry!

I've enjoyed these 2 weeks off from work. (it wasn't my choice! I wasn't needed at work!) I've chilled with my friends, relaxed, recharged my batteries and found motivation. R and me had some rocky times. Distance and our busy schedules are taking their toll on us. Sometimes it is so hard to keep this relationship going, we barely find time for ourselves. It is so easy to shrug it away and say to yourself, "i'll take care of it later." But later doesn't work. A relationship, any relationship, is like a plant.. or a child. You nourish it if you want it to grow. You give it attention, time and all of yourself to find happiness with it.

New Years was a wet, cold and tired night in what was supposed to be a classy-but turned out to me a smelly-desi-infested club in NY. I am never going to a desi-party again. i got yelled at by a drunk bastard for no reason, got shoved and pushed by plenty. the plasma screens they promised on the brochure turned out to be two lousy tvs and the music sucked bigtime. $70 gone down the fuking drain. it helped we were with friends-- atleast i had fun.

I've spent some fun evenings with my sister. This weekend we went to Bubble Lounge and then to Mahagony. It was a lot of fun.. and on Sunday, we drove to Edison for dosas and chat. R was so sweet.. he bought her the Malgudi Days dvd as her bday gift.. and she really wanted the dvd. I got my eyebrows done at a shady gujoo beauty parlor coz they knew how to thread. But she messed them up and ultimately I had to come home and use a plucker to straighten them up.

Hehe. We joked how all the eateries there were wannabe-coolios coz they named their restaurants after bombay... there was bombay bar, a bombay chat house.. a chowpatty chat house.. and a couple other bombay monikers-- and the best part is-- they are all owned by chaptu ahmedabadis or gujoos from gujarat! ( no offense. i'm a gujoo myself, but from bbay!) On phone card store that offered some tax service had a big label on its door that said, "TAX CHEK." how can this place not be gujoo?

and then there was Pintoo Jewels and Pooja jewels...(argh!) It's cool to name your kids pinto, pinky or whatever. but c'mon- do others a favor and don't name an entire store after your kids!!
We were so exhausted by the time we returned, I slept in the car and my teeth began to hurt. Every few times a year, my teeth act weird and begin to hurt me. A kind of pain that no dentist can cure coz after a while it disappears. But its annoying for however long it lasts.

I got my periods. (whew!) I was sweating over spending another $10 on a P-test. Yea so I like naked sex- sue me! I watched the BBC documentary on the Casting Couch and felt inspired to make a documentary of my own or write a book like "Millions" and make a movie like, "Millions." I'm going to do all of that, all in good time.

This entry is really on the insistence of a friend.. for a friend. Partly because he is so charmed by my oh-so-wonderful life that he can't wait to hear more! (relax- I'm kidding)
Actually, he just got a job! At a company where he wnats to work- can it get better? Kudos to him.

On the professional front for me, things are looking up. I'm booked until April end and there is teeny weeny possibility that I might do some writing for a local style magazine. goodie! Thats all I've got right now. Tata!