No word on the status of my laptop yet. Thanks MItesh though ... I've learnt to always keep back-ups and always update my back-ups. I am feeling a little blue. I don't like the month february, or maybe it is just my situation I'm unhappy with. The mornings are so cold and grey....and I feel like a little mouse in a big city of giants, afraid of being trampled under one of their huge feet. I'm not really afraid, but I'm lonely. It is not dificult for me to go out and make friends, but I don't know.... everytime I hear my sister talk about my friends and what they are doing, I feel tiny pangs of jealousy and regret. Maybe this feeling is magnified right now with me nto having my own place to live, my computer and good weather. But I've made a conscious decision...I won't be hung up on the life I had in Philly. I'm here in NY for god knows how long and I'm going to make the most of it and god willing, I'll meet some amazing people here and become life long friends with them like I'm with the ones in bbay and philly.
:( Its just.. patience is one virtue God hasn't gifted me with.

I feel restless. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting ahead, doing something real with my life. Instead, here I am -- stuck in a rut. I got a fat paycheck today so that makes me happy. The fact that it didn't even occur to me to go shopping or to treat myself (I wanted to treat myself to something nice coz my computer hit the sack) gives me another reason to congratulate myself. I've successfully graduated from being the impulsive citygirl to the rational citywoman. This paycheck is going straight to my savings.

I'm going to see another place tomorrow. In Newport. I LOVE that area. I've been there plenty of times before and known many people who've lived there. I simply wasn't able (still am not!) to afford anything in that area yet. But I found this apt.. the girls are renting their living room which can be privatized using partitions... and the rent is $600.

A thought eats me consistently and I wonder if I am totally off to assume or expect this :for some reason in my head, I expect my bf to get along totally well with my sister. I expect him to like her and care for her like his sister. But its too much to expect, I've realized. Cos, they have nothing in common but me. And it upsets him when my sister is rude to me (which she is) or hurts me. I guess if he asked me or forced me to get along with his brother, I would be mad or wouldn't know what to do .But you know... in movies and tv show and all they show such lies.. they show the saali and jija being so close and such great buddies... its not like that in real life at all. I dislike and have no respect for my cousins husband. and i think she knows it.... but well, what can she do? she can't yell at her husband and ask him to be nice to her sisters.... she can't and she won't. but i worry too much. i worry about being in her place if i got married to my bf... i know i will always yell at him and ask him to get alone or be nice to my sister.

the problem is my sister and him are too alike to get along. they are both hot-headed, do what they please, arrogant and have the ability to be very rude. r will be outright rude to her and my sister will insult him by not talking to him or ignoring him when they are in one of their moods. it deeply upsets me. i dont know why im thinking of this right now-- but i just spoke to my sister and she told me how our friends are taking care of her.. and it pricked me. she never once said to me that r takes care of her... or anything like that. i dont understand what went wrong actually. they both got along soo well in the begining... and it all changed once she got her own bf. after that she started treating r like... shit. maybe coz r (and me) didn't approve of her relationship? i dont know. i pray that over time ,this wil change. i should have patience, right? i wish i wish i wish. i only have faith.

if i make a movie i will show it is not true that all saalis and jijas get along. (although in my caseif i get married to r, i do hope like the movies, they get along) what sucks is-- i know that he cares for her but has too mch of a freakin ego to admit it!! and mayb that's the same for her, who knows. sigh.

i'm one troubled writer.

and now they are predicting snow for the weekend. i just want to wail loudly. i heard once that a guy helped donald trump fix his flat tire on the road to atlantic city and the next day his entire mortgage on his house was paid off. i wish i can help trump with something/ anything and wake up the next day to my own spanking new apartment in downtown manhattan and a private jet to philly that i can use anytime i want. that way i won't have to take the stinky chinatown bus again.

or, i can just wait for 10 years, get rich and get both the apartment and the jet.

What a lovely weekend I had. First my bag got stolen, then the friend cheated me and then-- my computer, my beloved MAC stops working. I don't care about the computer, I just want all my stuff back. Bloody bastards are demanding $500 for a data recovery. The stuff in there is priceless: photographs and documents. But $500?
Unless a miracle manifests in some way -- I know where my one weeks worth of pay is going. :(

There's bad energy around... my boss's sister got diagnosed with curable (thank god) cancer and another boss (a buddhist) says she's not feeling good about the vibrations around.

Oh and the Queens apart didn't work out either. The entire freakin street smelt of Indian food -I didn't even go inside the run-down, peeled-paint, ripped-off building. R and me drove away after spending 10 minutes infront of that building. I'd be miserable and depressed there. And then we got lost in Queens. Argh. Thank god we had a car.

Obviously, my weekend was.. splendid. Hopefully yours wasn't as fun as mine.

I feel like an alien in my own surroundings. My stuff has been moved out of my old room and my sister put her stuff there. I slept there last night and I woke up feeling like like I woke up in a strange place. I didn't recognize the bare ceilings.
I feel back to square one. Back to living from a suitcase, back to having my stuff all over the place. Right now, I have a bag of clothes at my office, some bags at my cousins place in NJ and the remaining stuff here in Philly. Disconnect is what I feel.

This weekend, I also realized that I have been a fool. R did something, which I know he didn't intend to, but it hurt me. I don't know if this is the long distance, or if we aren't right for each other, or whatever the reasons are, but we've are having rocky times. He thinks that he is my number two priority and I dont know...is he? I have given more importance to my family and my sister, I admit to that. The cousin I'm livig with... I don't like her husband aka my jija. We don't get along and this affected my relationship with her. We used to be very close and now...I don't want that to happen with me. I keep wishing my sister will get alone with R, but they are both very strong personalities and have their frictions. And I end up siding her because I think that if I don't-- me and her will drift apart like me and my cousin did. Why can't everyone get along with everyone and accept them for that they are and hold peace and love? But thats a stupid question.

I feel entangled in a web of emotions, in worrying about others and in expectations out of me.

This weekend is the weekend of betrayals. A friend and I had been working on the concept of putting together a magazine. We worked, went on photo shoots, talked the concept-- of course had our share of disagreements and agreements but finally put something together on the web. And then she disappeared. She moved to NY and we had decided to get in touch and start work on the magazine once she is a little settled but since December, there has been no word from her. I was worried-- first I thought she must have gone back to Tokyo for a vacation, then when it was Jan and still no reply from her, I worried if something had happened to her. Finally yesterday I called the guy who was doing the web-stuff for us and asked him if he had heard from her. Turns out she is very much in NY.
I wrote to her again. asking her whats goin on and why was she avoiding me.

She writes back and tells me that she wants to do the magazine on her own and doesn't want my input and that she'll contact me once she has done work on the magazine. She also told me that she's very busy with her new job, and new life in NYC.

I felt a kick in my stomach. I strong kick that wiped out the air out of my lungs. I felt foolish for trusting her, I felt cheated for being cheated upon. I thought we were friends first and partners then .... but I realized it always had been about business. Never about friendship. She admitted in her mail that she was being selfish but she said, "I had to."

I wrote back to her and told her how disappointed I was in her display of profesionalism and friendship. I terminated any association with the magaznie and told her to take off the pictures currently on the site becoz they were taken from my camera and I own the copyrights to them.

My life is in turmoil right now. My head swims above these emotions, trying to make sense of them, trying to pick each threat apart but they are so intertwined that I'm afraid I'll upset the whole fabric of my life if I pull one wrong thread.

If I lose R, it will be my fault. If I lose my sanity, it will also be my fault.

I found a studio in Queens for $350-- I'l be sharing it with a strange girl from Madras. That's all I know about her. And that she only speaks English. I didn't see the place, I don't know the area (but I made sure it is safe) and I don't know how big the place is. I said yes, because I want to save money right now. I want to make myself financially stable and I don't want to allow an expensive city steal that from me.

It is at times like these that I question my blind faith in people. In relationships, in friends,in so-called friends, in sisters. I do things for people out of the goodness of my heart and I really don't expect much back. But now I wonder if I really don't expect anything back. Honest to God, I am a good person with a clean soul. I have never wished ill on anyone. Is this payback time of some bad karma?

Tomorrow will be a new day. Sans the rain, sans the betrayal, sans the hopelessness in my heart. I am going to eat cupcakes today and work some more. I'll figure out my life tomorrow.