I don't blog about work. I don't bitch about my boss but ever since *this* happened, I feel like I need to justify and retell the story again and again of how unprofessional and ridiculous my boss was.

I have gracefully and with dignity quit the job I touted much about. Am I a laughing stock now? Maybe. I was naive enough to believe that things may never go wrong with my job. But do I regret having quit the job? Not one bit. I've been feeling much happier and light-hearted ever since I quit the job.

What kind of a boss threatens to fire her employee every time the employee asks her a question? Esp. if the employee is new and has no other superior to go to? What kind of a boss expects her employee to clairvoyantly know that boss's sister was going to be in NJ instead of Virginia? What kind of a boss asks an employee who has called in sick in the morning, "why didn't you tell me last night?" What kind of a boss expects an employee to KNOW she is going to fall sick!?

What kind of a boss lies to her clients about the number of employees working at her firm? What kind of a boss makes up research surveys and data for her clients instead of actually conducting it? What kind of a boss claims to have a strong network of informers when they NEVER inform or respond? What kind of a boss rolls her eyes and pretends to be a celebrity? What kind of a boss accuses her newly hired employee of lying about her experiences WHEN the boss herself interviwed her and had the employees resume infront of her while interviewing her?! What kind of a boss keeps bringing up how much she is paying you AGAIN and AGAIN to remind you about the work you are doing for her? What kind of a boss gives good tips to waitress's but is always mean to her driver? I'm sorry -- No matter how much money anyone makes, to have someone open your fucking door for you is just not worth my respect.

What kind of a boss tells the new employee that *other* employees have complained that the new employee has not directed them well WHEN the *other* employee infact really liked the new employee? What kind of a boss bitches about other employees infront of her employee?! And what kind of a boss expects the employee to join in the bitch fest!

My boss, the CEO of her compay did all that and more. And frankly, I'm through with that bullshit. Her company may make millions but it lacks substance and true integrity of any sorts. I read this somewhere today, great people discuss ideas, average people discuss events and cheap people discuss other people. Since I don't need to prove it to anyone that I'm great - I want to indulge in the cheapness and discuss my boss. The devil, who rolled her eyes. (WHO FUCKING DOES THAT !)

I've not even begun to climb the rungs of my career and I've already learnt a huge lesson. To quit a job in 3 months is saying a lot: both in positive and negative overtones. But I am not about to slave my life under someone who thinks she owns me and my time. I only have one word for my boss: an A Class bitch. I feel sorry for whoever has to work for her next. And on yeah, I feel good getting it all down here right now.

It's not like I haven't paid my dues -- I have slaved at $6/hour internships, unpaid internships, waiting tables, editing boring papers about Greek philosophy. I've done it all. So no, I didn't quit this job because my ego was fractured or because I let pride step in. Or because I had too much work. I was working 40 hours a week and being paid for 20 hours a week- that's how much I gave in for this job. And when I bring this to my boss's notice, I get a prompt response: We didn't ask you to do that. So either ways, I was screwed.

I don't belong to the generation that believe jobs are hard to come by. I already have a couple interviews lined up. And if nothing works out, I'll start my own thing. So I'll be broke for a few more months. But I've been through worse.

I am proud of my decision. But today when I checked my bank account, my heart dropped. I barely have enough money to live through two months. And I am so deep in debt that I cannot afford to borrow any more money from generous hearted boyfriend or use my credit-cards. It doesnt break me, but when I think how nice it would be to have money and not worry about it, my stomach somersaults and head whizzes. I've not slept on a proper bed for over a year now. Earlier because I was a broke student using used mattresses. And after that-- because I never had my own apartment or a room. I've taken to sleeping on the floor of my bedroom with a comforter beneath me because the pullout bed that my roommate provided was begining to hurt my back.

For some reason, sleeping on the bare floor makes me feel incredibly humble, little and sad. My boyfriend sometimes think I wallow in self-pity. But he doesn't know that it's hard to stay strong always. That is difficult to always have faith in yourself even when people around you have faith in you. That sometimes, you just have to let the situation hit you in your stomach so you truly realize what you are going through.

I am strong. but maybe my strength lies in not being afraid to admit that I'm scared. That I'm concerned. I know deep down my family, friends and boyfriend will not let me go to bed hungry or sleep on the bare floor. But I want to be the one who takes care of that for myself. And that hurts.

My friends who know are being very supportive. They tell me that they saw red flags going up ever since I started my job. I'm afraid to tell friends who don't know yet because I don't want to lose face and because I'm worried they won't understand. My parents think I should tell everyone after I get another job. And I think, that would make me no different from my boss.

Tomorrow is a new day though. Atleast I am gauranteed of one thing: I will not wake up wishing I hadn't quit the job. I may wake up wishing I had a job or some work to do, but I will never think of the job I quit. Atleast not wishfully. The job wasn't the problem anyways - the people and the company was. And believe it or not, it makes all the difference.

I may be going back to Philly tomorrow. Just to spend time with bf. I've neglected this relationship for too long. I met a friend today for dinner who's relationship died because of distance and them not being able to find time for each other. R always has time for me. Always did, but I never did. I always was the person who said, I'll call back and I never did.
And then yesterday, for the very first time R forgot to call me after he got home from work. When I called him, he apologized. He had genuinely forgotten to call me. He said, "I'm so used to not talking to you that I didn't miss it."

That's a bad bad bad sign.
And it needs to change. It needs to go back to me being excited to talk to him again... to me wanting to share everything with him.. to me finding everything he says interesting...
I just don't know where I lost the girl who I used to be. I thought we could work out the distance, that it wouldn't be a problem. But it is. It is. And if its not worked on now, it will be too late to be worked upon later.

Tomorrow, though, is a new day.

My mind is a whilrpool of confusion emotions right now. I feel stoic. Deathly quite. It's like there are two forms of me: a ravaging, angry, hurt mind lookin for answers and a quiet, numb, desentisized mind waiting for nothing in particular. The last few days have been difficult. Everything blew apart and fell on my face. I was wondering why everything was working out without a hiccup in my life. Little did I know, a storm was in the brewing all the time.

So what happened? My sister hates R. And she told my parents. And she told them everything that is skewed from her point of view. And I have respected the fact that she does not get along with R, but it hurt too much to hear her says he hates him. To watch her put all the gifts he gave her ina bag and ask me to return to him. I stood there helpless, wanting her to understand what a big misunderstanding it is. All that glares at me and my parents out of this is that R is rude, insults everyone and has an anger problem. It is not true, it is not true and I am not saying this because I am blinded by my love for him. He did hurt my sister, but not enough to warrant this hatred. Never. Never ever.

I do not want to take sides, and yet... that's precisely what I'm being asked to do.
There is so much at stake here. And I told them about her bf and it just spiralled downwards from there. Accusations, past hurts, understandings, misunderstandings, mind blocks, pre-concieved schemas.... you never would know how everything merges together and creates a life-altering event that leaves you with two choices: you pick love and you lose family. you pick family and you lose love.
I realized, sadly, it is too late now to merge family and love.

I work, I work all the time to bring myself away from the feelings that contrict my heart and block my throat. On the verge of spilling it all out. I love my sister.. but I am allowed now to only love her from afar. She does not trust me, she hates me and it is not going to change. How do people patch a fractured relationship?
How do you heal hurting hearts? She is as much in pain as I am. She is hurting as much as I am. And I can't see that either. ...

Thoughts that have never crossed my minds flit across it .... ideas that should never belong in my head, should never enter it....

Is this something time will solve on its own? Is this something that will repair itself with time?