This song makes me cry. Reminds of of lost loves and suspended hopes. A very close friend's husband died- I just found out a few days ago and my mind has been sort of blank. I wasn't very close with her husband but he was a kind man. They have two beautiful children and it's just...not fair.

I am unable to believe in death. Sometimes I feel nothing. And I don't want to feel nothing.

I also miss having a friend. A close friend. Someone who is like me. I have 'friends,' but very little time and energy to keep a close friend. Whatever. This song is for you, Ahlu.

Jag ja re gudiya, misri ki pudiya, meethe lage do naina
Nainon mein tere hum hi base the, hum hi base hain…haina
Oh ri rani, gudiya, jag ja…ari jag ja, mari jag ja

Halka sa kosa, subah ka bosa
Maan ja ri ab jag ja
Naak pe tere kaatega bichu
Jag ja toh maan ja
Jo chahe le lo, dashrath ka vaada
Nainon se kholo ji raina
Oh ri rani, gudiya, jag ja…ari jag ja, moi jag ja

Kirnon ka sona, os ke moti
Motiyon sa mogra
Tera bichauna bhar bhar de daaloon
Gulmohar ka tokra
Aur jo bhi chaho, mango ji mango
Bolo ji meri maina
Oh ri rani, gudiya, jag ja…ari jag ja, oi jag ja

Jag ja re gudiya, misri ki pudiya, meethe lage do naina
Nainon mein tere hum hi base the, hum hi base hain…hai

I spectaculary failed my drivers test. It didn't even last 2 minutes before I knew it was going downhill. Parallel park scrwed me over. Or rather I screwed up parellel park. It's always so easy to push the blame on something that wasn't under my control.

Diwali came and went. Life kinda carried on as usual. Orkutters wished me and I recieved a few random smses including a loud and colorful sms from my Dad which amsued me to no extent. These are pensive days for my family. We stand on the throurghfare, between India and America, weighing our options. Mum says to me that I don't talk about India the way I used to. She says that it doesn't look like you want to come back. I don't let her claims break me. Instead I respond and make sure she knows why I am here. I feel no shame or embarrasment in saying that I am here for the better life I can provide for myself and people I love. I feel no shame in saying that I am here because I can earn more money here. And then I'm here because I love it here. My life is now here. I found love here. That is as truthful and honest as the color of my blood.

But some feelings are best kept at bay. I struggle with trying to erase the harsh memories of my first few years here. My parents had been warned that to send a child so young away would be a mistake. I had been warned, but I wanted the taste of that forbidden fruit, I wanted to reach those dreams. I speak of those years now like I' m narrating an oft-seen movie that you aren't particularly fond of but hold an irresistible urge to share your review with everyone. Maybe because I am still trying to understand the (in)signifiance of those tears? I ask myself questions and I try to answer them myself. Why do we think that at 18 we know it all?
It's like those years robbed me something. What? I can't quite figure out.

This is not something I wish to disect and analyze anymore. Suffering moulds you into a tougher, stronger being. That suffering for love, approval, hunger and warmth. I wouldn't want to go through those years again. For nothing in the world. And for as long as I am alive, I know that I never want to be there again. Nor do I want anyone I love to worry about spending that extra dollar on food or the winter coat. There is no measure for suffering as there is none for sadness or love. There is no answer to how much have you suffered just as there is no answer to how much do you love me? You either learn from it or you break. And I'm still learning.

I think half the things people say to themselves or each other are horse-shit. Things to make ourself feel better. God knows, I'm guilty of that. (like telling ppl I failed my driving test becoz my instructor didn't coach me correctly. BS)
***

whoa. too much for one morning. on the brighter side, this friday a good friend of ours is visiting us after almost 1.5 years. friday is "the" night. we are geting drunk, stoned and everything in between. par--tay!

Things are work are heating up. The colleague I've been car-pooling with is leaving to Aruba for a vacation for the next 10 days which leaves me without a ride and hence, has forced me to buy my car this weekend-- a full three weeks sooner than planned.
I've been practising on R's car since a few days but he yells too much at me. So yesterday he asked D, his best friend/roommate and my friend to sit next to me and coach me. D didn't yell even once and only pointed out my mistakes after I had parked the car. So when we left to go home again, I drove and I took point of all of D's notes and made those improvements in my driving. R threw up his hands because he had been saying the same things to me for the last 2 weeks. I told him if he didn't scold me so much, I'd have listened to him. He just shrugged. :P

So now I am scheduled to give an exam on Friday morning and I simply cannot fail it. If I do, I just won't have a way to get to work for the next couple of days. Inshallah.

There's a slight crispness in the air. Leaves are changing colors and when the last few rays of the sunset reflect on the fallen leaves, they glimmer a brilliant shade of russet gold. A particular tree that I pass every day to work, was among the first ones to welcome fall and when all it's compatriots around were still lush green, this one was a blazing red. It was a spectacle.
My shelves have been replaced with comfortably soft sweaters and my woollen scarves are out of suitcases. My shoes are packed away and the fake Uggs are out. I even changed my bedspread to a bright red paisley print to add a splash of color to my room. All my favorite TV shows have begun, with new episodes, new characters and new stories. The last of the autumn leaves were pluck out of the swimming pool and now a metal green awning covers the length and breadth of it. It's even a little less easier to find a good parking spot, that reminds me of the winter interia that's seeping in everywhere. The fountains around the park will cease to flow so bountifully soon.
Even the air smells different. Cleaner. Whiter and restful.

Days slip by into weeks, weeks into months and indefinitely fall always invites a subdued introspection. The classy stores on Walnut Street have taken to playing holiday songs, nudging shoppers in the subtlest ways to begin their holiday shopping. Soon, the fairy lights will be up on every street, every park and every standalone tree. The city will embrace the fall with a magificence that could only take your breath away. Badly dressed Santa's will crowd the street squares and people like me will be more willing to donate a few stray dollars to the umpteen happy homeless people that monger around the parks and sleep on empty benches.

I love my city. I love it so much that it makes me want to cry sometimes. I have looked at the soul of this city and it stared right back at me. When I left it for the glitzy lights of New York, it still welcomed me with open arms when I returned. They say people make a place and it may be true. Right now, the people I care about and want them to be around me are here in this city. In a few years when I am ready once again to start anew, with new people, new friends -- I will make the move. For now, I'm hopelessly in love with my city.

This weekend I experienced another facet of this city. We woke up at the break of dawn on Saturday and were out of the apartment by 8.30am. I had a 9am appointment for a facial at a spa in downtown Philly. The spa was so beautiful that I may have stared because I've never been to one before. At 9am int he morning, it was beautifully lit with soft tealights and a nice smelling candles. I was offered fresh minty-limey water and then ushered into a massage room. It felt so nice to have the woman's soft kneading hands on my face. She also gave my face tiny electric shocks -- supposdly a new technology in skincare. Anyways, I left feeling beautiful and refreshed. R and me spent a few hours at Barnes and Noble, just having breakfast and reading. And we decided to lunch at Reading Terminal. Reading Terminal is one of Philadelphia's oldest markets -- very much like the open Italian markets. A hundred and more tiny open stores are stuffed into this huge open space. We passed through the Amish farmers and I locked eyes with one of the girls selling Lancester county jams and conveyed my condolenses. (Recently a random man just walked into an Amish school and killed 3 innocent girls. Read up on it. It's the most horrifying story) R was born and raised in Muscut and will pick Middle Eastern food over any other kind any day. And since I'm a vegeterian, sometimes, I like to eat food I can really enjoy. So he ate shwarma and I ate Thai. I was pissed off at the woman for adding brocolies to my food AND too much squash. But the humdrum and business of the Reading Terminal market cannot afford the luxury of time. People eye you and the minute you get up from your seats, they are grabbed.

Then we went shoe-shopping and met up with Resh and Hardeep at a newly opened chocolate cafe. I'm don't like chocolates but I LOVE cupcakes. So we chilled for a bit and then returned home. It was fantastic for once, to not wake up at noon on a weekend and have half the day gone.

Last week I was also in NY for a day for work. After wrapping up work, I walked around Soho with a list of stores and restaurants I wanted to explore. I spent wrong money on indulgences (which is why I'm broke until my next paycheck) but it was so much fun! I love NY - the city always inspires me. People say it all the time and I echo their thoughts. There are all kinds of people in NY and that gives it such a rich layer that you cannot stop exploring. In my opinion (and also my work) much of the city lies on the streets. The shops, the stores, the restaurants, the people.
I am a big fan of history but that is something to reflect on and understand : experiencing a city is done on the street. I finally went to the tiny hole-in-the-wall kidrobot store. (www.kidrobot.com) and added two more munny's to my small collection. (I am obsessed with collecting japanese figurines and tiny toys) And then a found a cute Parsien store and added 3 more little toys to my collection. I desserted at Rice to RIches (www.ricetoriches.com) and lunched at Hampton Chutney (www.hamptonchutney.com) an awesome place that serves American-style dosas! I really really wanted R to try this place becoz I knew he'd love it so instead of eating my lunch, I got it packed and took it home. I picked a portobello mushroom, carmelized onion and feta cheese doas with mango chutney!! Ahhh. Only in NY can you find weird places like this.

I also browsed through several other stores but all in all, it was a memorable- much needed trip. I plan to make those more often!

And now it's 945am and I have to get back to work. Muah-- I'm ready and armed to face the fall.