Seriously R underestimates me.

I've been bugging him about my bday gift since morning. In the past, I've been known to sneak into his email account and search for the tell-tale email from Amazon or overstock or whatever website that detailed my valentines day gift or any other gift. I'm worse than this -- even when I buy him a gift that's meant to surprise him, I can't hold off the excitement and blurt it out to him before the "surprise" moment. In the last 2.5 yrs, i have been successful at surprising him maybe once. When I agreed to date him. And he's probably surprised me never coz everytime he tried to, I'd sneak into his email accnt or drop heavy hints about what I wanted. Devilish.

This time he has been very cautious as have I. I didn't particularly wanted to ruin my bday surprise for myself and yet, curiosity killed teh cat.

Finally R sent me an email sending me an anagram about my gift. The anagram was A HANDPRINT PEEPS and his message was if I figured out the anagram, I figured out the gift. DUH. It took me less than 10 minutes to figure it out. And I got all excited and jumpy and gidddy happy when I figured it out. So I called R and he couldn't believe it that I had figured it out.

DUde-common. How could you send a super-intelligent, future billionnaire an anagram thinking she'll never crack it! heh.

We laughed and I bugged him more to send me a picture of the gift. For that-- he absolutely resisted.

So I hang up the phone abd get back to work- dreaming about my gift and my phone buzzes. A text message from R.
hmm. I wonder what. I view it and it says,
"Hey guys- the venue of CITYLIGHTS "surprise" party has changed and we'll be going to Amici something at 8.30pm tomorrow. See you."

I blinked and read the message again.

I called up R and said to him, Dude- we both suck at surprising each other.
And he went, huh?

I said, "You idiot. You mass texted the surprise party msg to me."

And then we both burst out laughing. We lauhged so hard it was fukin crazy. He emailed me saying, maybe one of these bdays I'll end up surprising you.
And I wrote back, you silly silly boy, I love you even more. heheh

I will get my gift tomorrow, or if I'm lucky, tonight at midnight.

Btw, if you haven't cracked the anagram yet it is a sapphire pendant.
:D

I turn 23 tomorrow! yay.
I'm not worried about growing older, what worries me is not accomplishing enough as I grow older.

I've got a new project in NY and I'll have to go there a couple times a week. I need to find an apartment soon now. I think once I find out how the July 14 presentation goes, I'll have a clearer idea of moving forward with my apartment plans. This time, I want to hitch in for a long time. ANd long time means atleast a year. More would be a plus.

I have another meeting for a new project and I want to nail it. I have to GET that contract. R and me had another argument about the whole getting a full-time job thingy. I misunderstood him. I have a bad habit, I talk without thinking things through. I vocalize stuff that' flits across my mind and I don't vocalize stuff that needs to be said out loud. I gushed over how I'd love to move back to Philly, get a full-time job, get an apt. etc.. when the whole NY job fizzled out and another project kicked in in Philly. And once another NY project worked out, I vacilitated again. It upset R...becuase I bought his hopes up everytime I spoke about moving back to Philly. I didn't even realize how I take him for granted sometimes.

But YAY- I turn 23 tomorrow. It's my birthday! I don't have many updates. OH- I got most of my stuff back from my old hard-drive and finally afforded a new one. It was a steep $300 but you gotta do what you gotta do. Can't buy a new computer yet, but inshallah, god willing- I should be able to buy a new comp. soon.

And tomorrow is also Sam's bday. My darling Candian hermit. But if I know him well, he will avoid all phone calls and such tomorrow.

I don't have many insights/resolutions and lessons learnt about turning 23. I'm content. Life and things can always be better - - but they are getting better. Maybe by next year, I will have moved far ahead career-wise. Touchwood!

Today my Dad told me that I am a failure because I haven't had a single steady job since I graduated last year.
Ouch.

If I am a failure in his eyes, Have I been lying to myself? He told me a couple years from now I will see wisdom in his words and regret the mistake I am making right now.

It hurt.

Why do I refuse to believe him. And why for the first time in my life, I DO not want to make any amends with him or my mum.

My ex-boss, the devil who rolled her eyes, actually threatened me subtly that she may pursue legal action against me. For what? I have no idea. But I am aware of how her brain works. And I know that her threat is her attempt to soothe her bruised ego. She sends me a legal notice and I will make her imaginary empire crumble. I will go the IIPM way and expose her shell company. Yea BabEy- thank god for a blog, thank god for gawker.com and thank god for people's faith in other people.
Its so weird, ever since I quit the job I have had atleast 2 people tell me how they always knew she was bad news.

I suck though. I should close this chapter and put it behind me, but its like I'm still trying to redeem myself. Of what? I don't know. My parents are ashamed of telling my relatives about the 'developement.' They want me to find a new job soon so they can craft a cool story about how I got a better job and hence quit the first one. I feel their pain, trust me I do. But why don't they get it? A full-time job isn't a means to my end. They just got back from Boston- visiting relatives-- and we had the same argument again. Why aren't you looking for a full time job ? Why haven't you gotten your computer repaired? Why havent you given your drivers exam? Is R telling you that you shouldn't look for a fulltime job?

That the best, no ? When parents can't reason with their kids- they immediately pounce on her friends and in this case, her disliked-for-not-being-a-gujju and unaccepted boyfriend. And the funny thing is-- while R knows I am smart and very capable of fending for myself, he gives me the same advice as my parents. get a fulltime job. He means well, as so my parents. But it pisses me off that my mum thinks R has anything to do with my decisions about employment.

Yeh- there. I said it, I am a gujju. Not that I give a damn, but my parents do. Get this- according to my mum, I should be blessing my stars for being born a jain gujju. Apparently, only very lucky people are born into jain families.
ever heard a more amusing theory? I am not making a mockery out of my religion here. I don't believe in the supremacy of any religions and it irks me more when my mum launches her tirade of why I should marry a jain.

And esp now that they are back from Boston-- they are so effected by her brothers kids. One of them works at a prestigious bank in NYC prolly making $100k or more. and the other one just got accepted to the Harvard Business School after working it up at IBM for 2 yrs.

Not that they are comparing- they never do. Their point is simple- I should get a fulltime regular 9 to 5 job with the promise of permancy and insurance. But I have an entrepreneurial streak. I don't want to submerge myself or go brain-dead doing entry-level work when I know in my head I am capable of so much more. I am not discounting the value of experience here-- all I'm saying is, I want to try it my way and if it fails, I'll go the 9 to 5 way.

I told my friends abt the job. I mean, they were aksing me/ so hows your job. And I just couldn't bring myself to lie to them. Yes so if any of them think I'm a loser for being so happy about it in the begining so be it. Atleast I'm not ashamed of quitting it.

I do have a project I'm working on for a month. So its not like Im totally jobless. And yea- I've moved back to Philly for a month or so. The project I'm working on right now is based in Philly and it just made sense. Besides, I don't really have the $700 for rent in NY right now. Im more concerned with keeping myself alive for the next few months.

You know, one thing tht rankles me constantly? I know it in my heart, in my gut and in my soul that I'm going to be successful. That I will be sought after and that I will make as much and more than what the fancy cousin of mine is making right now. Yet, sometimes I question myself thinking-- am I really that smart? Will I really be able to make it? Or am I just fooling myself.. am I just making myself believe this because I don't want to go the 9to5 way?
Self-doubt is my biggest and worst enemy.

It never ceases to amaze me how constantly life changes and how its not what you expect it to be at all. Last month I had a job and now I dont. Will I have a job this time next month ? No fuking clue. But I'll be a year older this time next month. I'll turn 23.

R hasn't been with me any of my bdays. We've been tog for 2 yrs. One June he was in India and last June I was in India. That bday when he was in India-- I was alone in NY interning at a highfi fashion magazine. I didn't have any friends in NY and was living in a roach infested apt that smelt of Indian curry in jersey city and my bday was on a monday. So I couldn't even go back to Philly. I was so eager and lonely that I met this random guy who had once contacted me for an apartment situation and who was working a couple bldgs away from mine and I celebrated my bday with him. Just a drink and dinner. He was a nice guy... I wanted a friend.. but then I felt so stupid and embarrased about it that I never met him again.
I mean, what kind of a despo wants to find a friend to celebrate her bday with? But thankfully-- my sister showed up at my stinky apt to surprise me and becoz she didnt want me to be alone on my bday. I love her. Things between us have improved. Her and R dont talk-- but maybe that will change.

On a happier note, I met an old roomate of mine yesterday. Bumped into her at the bookstore. She's engaged now! And will be marrying her partner this Oct. Her mums finally accepting that her daughter just doesn't play for the guys team.

***
I simply refuse to think of any further than a month right now. I did that once and we all know how that ended. I was already planning a move to Soho and shit like that. It's terrible to watch those dreams crumble. But renewed faith and a little bit of wisdom goes a long way. So I'll have to wait a little while longer to finally get my own apartment and call it home but I bet, when that does happen, it will be very sweet. I've moved 12 times in the last 5 years.
Just a little while longer now. I hope!

And dearest SwB, Grey Shades, Dobreneir and Karishma-- I love you guys. Thank you for reading, thank you for your words. Just thanks for being there. mwaaaah.