My ex-professor invited me to a seminar she is organizing for young 12-18 year old women. She wants me to be on a panel to inspire these girls. I balked at the mere thought of standing on the podium, not much older than these girls, trying to inspire them. But my teacher thinks I have a story that I should share. I'm still not sure exactly what about me is so inpsiring but I feel very honored to think that my professor thinks so. And I guess even if I end up impacting the thoughts of one person out of the room, It will be worth it.

I have two interviews this week. One is in about an hour and the other is tomorrow. I need some work after May -- I hope something works out.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Just about life and money and career and my family. My Dad's brother, my kaka, needs dialysis every week or so. His health is deterioating...and is beyond anyone to do something. I think they are looking for a kidney transplant but haven't found a right match yet. I don't call my relatives often...not because I don't like them because it just never occured to me that the people I grew up with are growing older and older day after day. My Baa died last year. I hadn't seen her in 2.5 years and I had just reached Bbay after graduation. She was doing fine, she was well. But she slipped and broke her hip and never got better. In the ICU room, I was alone with her for a few minutes when my Mom went outside to fetch her sons. She wanted to talk to her sons. I held her frail hand and she squeezed it so tightly that my heart awoke and I knew she'd be alright. She had so much strength.. she held my hand so tight. I just knew she'd be fine. But she didn't. She died the next morning. I cried when I saw other people around me crying. I cried when I saw my Dad break down. When my Dad's oldest brother broke down. But I didn't feel her loss.. I didn't know she was gone. How could I know? I hadn't been around her for five years to miss her after she was gone. And sadly, much of my growing up had happened in those years.

I went to the cremetorium with the men. The women in my family questioned my decision and the men in my family asked my parents to change their mind. But my Dad stood up for me. And said I should be there if I wanted to. I followed the men when they carried her body outside the building to the ambulance. I got into the ambulance with my Dad and I remember placing my hand on her head because I didn't want her to feel the bumps on the road. Her skin was like stone. But she had a smile on her lips. A smile frozen in time. We reached the cremetorium near Pawan Hans in 10 minutes. My father asked me stand outside until he called me in. I respected his wishes and waited outside making small talk with my uncle. It was a hot day. We smelt of smoke. My neck felt sticky with grime. Then my Dad called me and I went inside. My Baa was already lost underneath the wood. They lit her. And I watched asking curious questions. To something I asked my Dad replied, the skull takes the longest to melt. And I bit back my lips to contain my tears.

Words floated around. She's not my Baa.. she's just a dead body. I remembered reading that when someone dies, immediately they lose 27 grams, the weight of their soul. I wondered if that was true. The fire smelt strange. Not disgusting.. I couldn't smell the flesh burning. But it smelt different. I sat in the pews and talked to my other Kakas. (My dad has 4 brothers) I felt like I wanted to be their pillar of strength. To lean on. I think I really went to the crematorium for my father. I wanted to be there for him. My father has always called me his son. When my parents die, I will light fire to their bodies.

The rest of my vacation passed by as though nothing had happened. Occasionally I'd remember her.. or think of calling her and then remember she's dead. Even after I came to Philly.... sometimes I'd ask mom, how's baa and we'd both get quiet. After that... I got news of several other relatives who died of old age.

Its such a hard reality to come to terms with. The mortality of my own parents looms ahead in the distant future. I will get married in some years.. life will go on as it is supposed to. But I really want my parents around me now... or I want to be around my parents. I have decided to save up $10,000 by the end of this year and clear my credit card debt and buy a house by next year. A condo, an apt ..whatever. But buy it. Make a home.

I've been living out of a suitcase.. switching apartments for so long now... I want firm roots now. I want a place thats mine. In the last5 years alone, I've had 8 places of residence. There's been no consistency , no stability and I crave for it now. I will still wander.. travel as and when I want, but I'll always know that I have a place to go back to that's mine alone.