I'm feeling a little sad right now. I don't have a place to live. Technically, this shouldn't bother me because I've been living alone and from the suitcase for so long, but it does. I feel like a wounded mongrel living on others sympathy and leftover bits. I am too poor to live in NY and I gave away my apt in Philly to my sister. This weekend, I have to go and pack all my stuff and put it in a corner so it can sit there and gather dust.
I'm living with kind cousins in Jersey until I can save enough to get myself an apartment. God knows when that will be. I wonder if its worth it- yeah I'll save money and spend time with cousins, but there's too much mental angst and violation of my self to come to terms with.
I've always been such situations-- that push me a little over the edge and demand more out of me. At college, I was the only Indian girl in J-school and I was "left-out" from the other Indians who were all huddled in business school. Even here, the career path I have chosen for myself requires me to be in NY and the life I carefully built for myself resides in Philadelphia. Please don't leave me comments saying it will get better and things will change-- I know that. I am simply venting because in my head- I know no one reads this place. And even if they do, I don't give a fuck. Oh btw-- I have no idea why I'm anonymous here. The only reason I didn't put my name here is because people do google searches on my name and I'd like them to end up at the other blog not here. I'm a writer/reporter/editor -- and honestly, I don't want to get fired for writing about my job. Coz that's happened before! But if you want to know my name and the other blog name, leave me a comment and I will email you.
I am only writing here because I need to talk to someone and there's no one available. R is asleep and I can't talk to him with my cousins around. I don't talk to my sister about my feelings. My friends are busy. :(
I just want to bitch to someone. About everyone. Its sad but I'm the kind of people who feels better by making other people look bad- but I don't mean it. Its just what works with me when I feel blue. And don't go judging me-- we all secretly have that person hiding inside us, just not the balls to admit to it.
:( I want a place. I want a home. I want something, someplace to call my home.
I'm living with kind cousins in Jersey until I can save enough to get myself an apartment. God knows when that will be. I wonder if its worth it- yeah I'll save money and spend time with cousins, but there's too much mental angst and violation of my self to come to terms with.
I've always been such situations-- that push me a little over the edge and demand more out of me. At college, I was the only Indian girl in J-school and I was "left-out" from the other Indians who were all huddled in business school. Even here, the career path I have chosen for myself requires me to be in NY and the life I carefully built for myself resides in Philadelphia. Please don't leave me comments saying it will get better and things will change-- I know that. I am simply venting because in my head- I know no one reads this place. And even if they do, I don't give a fuck. Oh btw-- I have no idea why I'm anonymous here. The only reason I didn't put my name here is because people do google searches on my name and I'd like them to end up at the other blog not here. I'm a writer/reporter/editor -- and honestly, I don't want to get fired for writing about my job. Coz that's happened before! But if you want to know my name and the other blog name, leave me a comment and I will email you.
I am only writing here because I need to talk to someone and there's no one available. R is asleep and I can't talk to him with my cousins around. I don't talk to my sister about my feelings. My friends are busy. :(
I just want to bitch to someone. About everyone. Its sad but I'm the kind of people who feels better by making other people look bad- but I don't mean it. Its just what works with me when I feel blue. And don't go judging me-- we all secretly have that person hiding inside us, just not the balls to admit to it.
:( I want a place. I want a home. I want something, someplace to call my home.
If its any consolation, you are not alone. I've been in transit a long time too ... and I hate it when they tell me to keep the faith. I have no faith left. Only hope.
Shine on!
we all secretly have that person hiding inside us, just not the balls to admit to it. I dont agree with that completely. It depends a lot on the environment one is brought up in. For example, if a student has to compete in a cut-throat education system where its either a hit or a miss, chances are much higher that the student will have a mentality where s/he wants to belittle others and look better self by bragging abt say, high scores. Not everyone has this mentality and not everyone who does have, retain it through the years.
I would like to know your "other blog" bcos I am analyzing why people blog anonymously, what are the things ppl feel free to talk openly vs. what they want to conceal. I recently wrote a blog article about it too; in case you are wondering why I am asking, read it.
hope all is well.
Hi
AM back from a vacation so I havent read wht uv been upto in a long time!
But hey whenever I read you,it always uplifts me!
Today was so mind fucked, but ur posts just make me feel like everyone goes thru his/her shit!
U know ur blog gives me hope, Yeah id love to read the other one too.. But hey girl U rock! I think ur posts are so from the heart and so honest that although I dont have the faith anymore in things that i thought will happen eventually I still hope they will
Hope it all works out for Ya
Cheers