No word on the status of my laptop yet. Thanks MItesh though ... I've learnt to always keep back-ups and always update my back-ups. I am feeling a little blue. I don't like the month february, or maybe it is just my situation I'm unhappy with. The mornings are so cold and grey....and I feel like a little mouse in a big city of giants, afraid of being trampled under one of their huge feet. I'm not really afraid, but I'm lonely. It is not dificult for me to go out and make friends, but I don't know.... everytime I hear my sister talk about my friends and what they are doing, I feel tiny pangs of jealousy and regret. Maybe this feeling is magnified right now with me nto having my own place to live, my computer and good weather. But I've made a conscious decision...I won't be hung up on the life I had in Philly. I'm here in NY for god knows how long and I'm going to make the most of it and god willing, I'll meet some amazing people here and become life long friends with them like I'm with the ones in bbay and philly.
:( Its just.. patience is one virtue God hasn't gifted me with.

I feel restless. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting ahead, doing something real with my life. Instead, here I am -- stuck in a rut. I got a fat paycheck today so that makes me happy. The fact that it didn't even occur to me to go shopping or to treat myself (I wanted to treat myself to something nice coz my computer hit the sack) gives me another reason to congratulate myself. I've successfully graduated from being the impulsive citygirl to the rational citywoman. This paycheck is going straight to my savings.

I'm going to see another place tomorrow. In Newport. I LOVE that area. I've been there plenty of times before and known many people who've lived there. I simply wasn't able (still am not!) to afford anything in that area yet. But I found this apt.. the girls are renting their living room which can be privatized using partitions... and the rent is $600.

A thought eats me consistently and I wonder if I am totally off to assume or expect this :for some reason in my head, I expect my bf to get along totally well with my sister. I expect him to like her and care for her like his sister. But its too much to expect, I've realized. Cos, they have nothing in common but me. And it upsets him when my sister is rude to me (which she is) or hurts me. I guess if he asked me or forced me to get along with his brother, I would be mad or wouldn't know what to do .But you know... in movies and tv show and all they show such lies.. they show the saali and jija being so close and such great buddies... its not like that in real life at all. I dislike and have no respect for my cousins husband. and i think she knows it.... but well, what can she do? she can't yell at her husband and ask him to be nice to her sisters.... she can't and she won't. but i worry too much. i worry about being in her place if i got married to my bf... i know i will always yell at him and ask him to get alone or be nice to my sister.

the problem is my sister and him are too alike to get along. they are both hot-headed, do what they please, arrogant and have the ability to be very rude. r will be outright rude to her and my sister will insult him by not talking to him or ignoring him when they are in one of their moods. it deeply upsets me. i dont know why im thinking of this right now-- but i just spoke to my sister and she told me how our friends are taking care of her.. and it pricked me. she never once said to me that r takes care of her... or anything like that. i dont understand what went wrong actually. they both got along soo well in the begining... and it all changed once she got her own bf. after that she started treating r like... shit. maybe coz r (and me) didn't approve of her relationship? i dont know. i pray that over time ,this wil change. i should have patience, right? i wish i wish i wish. i only have faith.

if i make a movie i will show it is not true that all saalis and jijas get along. (although in my caseif i get married to r, i do hope like the movies, they get along) what sucks is-- i know that he cares for her but has too mch of a freakin ego to admit it!! and mayb that's the same for her, who knows. sigh.

i'm one troubled writer.

and now they are predicting snow for the weekend. i just want to wail loudly. i heard once that a guy helped donald trump fix his flat tire on the road to atlantic city and the next day his entire mortgage on his house was paid off. i wish i can help trump with something/ anything and wake up the next day to my own spanking new apartment in downtown manhattan and a private jet to philly that i can use anytime i want. that way i won't have to take the stinky chinatown bus again.

or, i can just wait for 10 years, get rich and get both the apartment and the jet.