I feel like an alien in my own surroundings. My stuff has been moved out of my old room and my sister put her stuff there. I slept there last night and I woke up feeling like like I woke up in a strange place. I didn't recognize the bare ceilings.
I feel back to square one. Back to living from a suitcase, back to having my stuff all over the place. Right now, I have a bag of clothes at my office, some bags at my cousins place in NJ and the remaining stuff here in Philly. Disconnect is what I feel.

This weekend, I also realized that I have been a fool. R did something, which I know he didn't intend to, but it hurt me. I don't know if this is the long distance, or if we aren't right for each other, or whatever the reasons are, but we've are having rocky times. He thinks that he is my number two priority and I dont know...is he? I have given more importance to my family and my sister, I admit to that. The cousin I'm livig with... I don't like her husband aka my jija. We don't get along and this affected my relationship with her. We used to be very close and now...I don't want that to happen with me. I keep wishing my sister will get alone with R, but they are both very strong personalities and have their frictions. And I end up siding her because I think that if I don't-- me and her will drift apart like me and my cousin did. Why can't everyone get along with everyone and accept them for that they are and hold peace and love? But thats a stupid question.

I feel entangled in a web of emotions, in worrying about others and in expectations out of me.

This weekend is the weekend of betrayals. A friend and I had been working on the concept of putting together a magazine. We worked, went on photo shoots, talked the concept-- of course had our share of disagreements and agreements but finally put something together on the web. And then she disappeared. She moved to NY and we had decided to get in touch and start work on the magazine once she is a little settled but since December, there has been no word from her. I was worried-- first I thought she must have gone back to Tokyo for a vacation, then when it was Jan and still no reply from her, I worried if something had happened to her. Finally yesterday I called the guy who was doing the web-stuff for us and asked him if he had heard from her. Turns out she is very much in NY.
I wrote to her again. asking her whats goin on and why was she avoiding me.

She writes back and tells me that she wants to do the magazine on her own and doesn't want my input and that she'll contact me once she has done work on the magazine. She also told me that she's very busy with her new job, and new life in NYC.

I felt a kick in my stomach. I strong kick that wiped out the air out of my lungs. I felt foolish for trusting her, I felt cheated for being cheated upon. I thought we were friends first and partners then .... but I realized it always had been about business. Never about friendship. She admitted in her mail that she was being selfish but she said, "I had to."

I wrote back to her and told her how disappointed I was in her display of profesionalism and friendship. I terminated any association with the magaznie and told her to take off the pictures currently on the site becoz they were taken from my camera and I own the copyrights to them.

My life is in turmoil right now. My head swims above these emotions, trying to make sense of them, trying to pick each threat apart but they are so intertwined that I'm afraid I'll upset the whole fabric of my life if I pull one wrong thread.

If I lose R, it will be my fault. If I lose my sanity, it will also be my fault.

I found a studio in Queens for $350-- I'l be sharing it with a strange girl from Madras. That's all I know about her. And that she only speaks English. I didn't see the place, I don't know the area (but I made sure it is safe) and I don't know how big the place is. I said yes, because I want to save money right now. I want to make myself financially stable and I don't want to allow an expensive city steal that from me.

It is at times like these that I question my blind faith in people. In relationships, in friends,in so-called friends, in sisters. I do things for people out of the goodness of my heart and I really don't expect much back. But now I wonder if I really don't expect anything back. Honest to God, I am a good person with a clean soul. I have never wished ill on anyone. Is this payback time of some bad karma?

Tomorrow will be a new day. Sans the rain, sans the betrayal, sans the hopelessness in my heart. I am going to eat cupcakes today and work some more. I'll figure out my life tomorrow.