I am very upset and dejected today. I want to walk right into that glass door and say, I fucking quit you. I wish I had an answer as to what I'd do after quitting. I also wish I had to courage to write more but it all seems so pointless.
nebulous
Published Thursday, November 06, 2008 by Color/Light/Water.
feeling nebulous today. I don't like that word much but it describes my state of mind. am struggling with the boyfriend/fiance in a weird fight. he wants me to go to india in december. i cannot justify spending the 2k for the tickets and i would rather go off peak. like i said, weird fight. i can't get too mad at him or too irritated because he wants for me what i want. practicality stops me right now.
my to-be brother-in-law sent me photographs of their time in bombay visiting my family. and i wished i was there. sometimes, the urge to quit everything here and go back to my family and get to know them is so strong that i have to really remind myself of the bigger picture.
le sigh.
my to-be brother-in-law sent me photographs of their time in bombay visiting my family. and i wished i was there. sometimes, the urge to quit everything here and go back to my family and get to know them is so strong that i have to really remind myself of the bigger picture.
le sigh.
It has been so long since I've come here. I am very sad right now. The details do not matter - what matters is how it affects your life, your dreams and the people you love. Something, beyond my control or anyone's control really, has happened and it has upset many people who I love dearly.
It has taken me immense strength and patience to keep my tears at bay.
Writing had a way of healing me at one time. Now it doesn't. Maybe it is because I had a different relationship with writing back then.
Life is such. Never what you plan.
It has taken me immense strength and patience to keep my tears at bay.
Writing had a way of healing me at one time. Now it doesn't. Maybe it is because I had a different relationship with writing back then.
Life is such. Never what you plan.
I know people come into our lives for a reason and then they leave. But sometimes, I just don't want to meet people that are not going to be in my life permanently. :(
Welcome July
Published Wednesday, July 11, 2007 by Color/Light/Water.
Old sunlight leaks through this sparkling piece of plastic. My new friend, my new camera. Funny how I build my career in digital and save my memories in analog.
***
I am back from a short trip to the west coast. Being with a long lost friend was like a drug- distanced from my current life, frothy and just enough to not get addicted. Our conversations and moments weaved around our past and our future. It's either reminiscing about what's gone or looking forward to what's to come. The present, evaporates somewhere between there until it becomes the past itself.
***
There is some pain. Life is elsewhere. We are waiting, for it to begin. For it to, really start. What is now then? An interlude to the actual performance, a prologue to the actual story? There is no way to know. No way to tell. I'm twenty-four but, so has life really started or is it about to begin now?
***
Associations change. The pictures we paint in our head change.
June was the monsoon. June was wet yellow flowers stuck on the rusty Fiat's glass window. June was fat pink earhtworms and rainbow umbrellas. June was the smell of burning tar to seal the leaks on the roof. June was new classrooms, mangoes, first love and Barista. June was the familiar, the known. June was home.
Six years later, June is summer. June is by the fountains on cobbled streets, waiting in line for tickets to foreign movies. June is erudite, June is working long hours and enjoying al-fresco BYOBs. June is, waiting. June is anticipation. June is unfamiliar, the foreign. June is learning to say this IS my home.
***
This morning I woke up and I panicked. How could one spend 24 years and not read Peter Rabbit?
I picked up the book.
***
I am back from a short trip to the west coast. Being with a long lost friend was like a drug- distanced from my current life, frothy and just enough to not get addicted. Our conversations and moments weaved around our past and our future. It's either reminiscing about what's gone or looking forward to what's to come. The present, evaporates somewhere between there until it becomes the past itself.
***
There is some pain. Life is elsewhere. We are waiting, for it to begin. For it to, really start. What is now then? An interlude to the actual performance, a prologue to the actual story? There is no way to know. No way to tell. I'm twenty-four but, so has life really started or is it about to begin now?
***
Associations change. The pictures we paint in our head change.
June was the monsoon. June was wet yellow flowers stuck on the rusty Fiat's glass window. June was fat pink earhtworms and rainbow umbrellas. June was the smell of burning tar to seal the leaks on the roof. June was new classrooms, mangoes, first love and Barista. June was the familiar, the known. June was home.
Six years later, June is summer. June is by the fountains on cobbled streets, waiting in line for tickets to foreign movies. June is erudite, June is working long hours and enjoying al-fresco BYOBs. June is, waiting. June is anticipation. June is unfamiliar, the foreign. June is learning to say this IS my home.
***
This morning I woke up and I panicked. How could one spend 24 years and not read Peter Rabbit?
I picked up the book.
Living on a prayer
Published Tuesday, April 17, 2007 by Color/Light/Water.
I've been away for months from this place and yet at a time like this, I seek solace only here. My loved ones are safe, and yet, I feel a pang of horror deep inside. I am disturbed and this discomfort has wrapped itself around me like a dark shadow. I am also hormonal, so maybe my feelings are magnified today. I wept for the 33 dead at Virginia Tech. I wept for their families, their friends, their sisters. I kept imagining losing my precious in a tragedy like this and the image does not free my mind.
I was talking online to a friend in India today about this and he said, 'come home.'
And involuntarily, my response was, 'This is my home.'
I've been here 6 years. I was here for Columbine. I was here for 9/11. I was here for the Amish school shootings. But nothing has affected me as much as the VTech incident. Perhaps it reminds me how vulnerable we really are and how fragile our lives are. But this rude awakening towards the mortality of my loved ones, has displaced my equilibruim today. Acts of terrorism and communal violence has never taken me by surprise. It is these stories, these acts of sheer ruthlessness and evil that leave me stumped. It is with great difficulty that I learnt today - that we will never, be able to understand the human psyche. Never.
I pray for us today. And I pray for our future.
I was talking online to a friend in India today about this and he said, 'come home.'
And involuntarily, my response was, 'This is my home.'
I've been here 6 years. I was here for Columbine. I was here for 9/11. I was here for the Amish school shootings. But nothing has affected me as much as the VTech incident. Perhaps it reminds me how vulnerable we really are and how fragile our lives are. But this rude awakening towards the mortality of my loved ones, has displaced my equilibruim today. Acts of terrorism and communal violence has never taken me by surprise. It is these stories, these acts of sheer ruthlessness and evil that leave me stumped. It is with great difficulty that I learnt today - that we will never, be able to understand the human psyche. Never.
I pray for us today. And I pray for our future.
alternative lives. sliding doors. people grow. wonder. love fades, love dies. wonder why. ignite.
think buying a new computer will make be happy, but i am still here. surrounded by the same naked trees, honey walls and empty eyes.
life, like a racehorse. one trophy after another. green and more green. time for friendships? gone.
writing. lost luster. living- forgot the roses. forgot vienna.
burned.
think buying a new computer will make be happy, but i am still here. surrounded by the same naked trees, honey walls and empty eyes.
life, like a racehorse. one trophy after another. green and more green. time for friendships? gone.
writing. lost luster. living- forgot the roses. forgot vienna.
burned.
