CityLights / NeonNights

2009-05-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am very upset and dejected today. I want to walk right into that glass door and say, I fucking quit you. I wish I had an answer as to what I'd do after quitting. I also wish I had to courage to write more but it all seems so pointless.

nebulous

2008-11-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

feeling nebulous today. I don't like that word much but it describes my state of mind. am struggling with the boyfriend/fiance in a weird fight. he wants me to go to india in december. i cannot justify spending the 2k for the tickets and i would rather go off peak. like i said, weird fight. i can't get too mad at him or too irritated because he wants for me what i want. practicality stops me right now.

my to-be brother-in-law sent me photographs of their time in bombay visiting my family. and i wished i was there. sometimes, the urge to quit everything here and go back to my family and get to know them is so strong that i have to really remind myself of the bigger picture.

le sigh.

2008-10-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I've come here. I am very sad right now. The details do not matter - what matters is how it affects your life, your dreams and the people you love. Something, beyond my control or anyone's control really, has happened and it has upset many people who I love dearly.
It has taken me immense strength and patience to keep my tears at bay.
Writing had a way of healing me at one time. Now it doesn't. Maybe it is because I had a different relationship with writing back then.

Life is such. Never what you plan.

2007-12-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

I know people come into our lives for a reason and then they leave. But sometimes, I just don't want to meet people that are not going to be in my life permanently. :(

Welcome July

2007-07-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

Old sunlight leaks through this sparkling piece of plastic. My new friend, my new camera. Funny how I build my career in digital and save my memories in analog.

***

I am back from a short trip to the west coast. Being with a long lost friend was like a drug- distanced from my current life, frothy and just enough to not get addicted. Our conversations and moments weaved around our past and our future. It's either reminiscing about what's gone or looking forward to what's to come. The present, evaporates somewhere between there until it becomes the past itself.

***

There is some pain. Life is elsewhere. We are waiting, for it to begin. For it to, really start. What is now then? An interlude to the actual performance, a prologue to the actual story? There is no way to know. No way to tell. I'm twenty-four but, so has life really started or is it about to begin now?

***

Associations change. The pictures we paint in our head change.

June was the monsoon. June was wet yellow flowers stuck on the rusty Fiat's glass window. June was fat pink earhtworms and rainbow umbrellas. June was the smell of burning tar to seal the leaks on the roof. June was new classrooms, mangoes, first love and Barista. June was the familiar, the known. June was home.

Six years later, June is summer. June is by the fountains on cobbled streets, waiting in line for tickets to foreign movies. June is erudite, June is working long hours and enjoying al-fresco BYOBs. June is, waiting. June is anticipation. June is unfamiliar, the foreign. June is learning to say this IS my home.

***

This morning I woke up and I panicked. How could one spend 24 years and not read Peter Rabbit?

I picked up the book.

Living on a prayer

2007-04-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

I've been away for months from this place and yet at a time like this, I seek solace only here. My loved ones are safe, and yet, I feel a pang of horror deep inside. I am disturbed and this discomfort has wrapped itself around me like a dark shadow. I am also hormonal, so maybe my feelings are magnified today. I wept for the 33 dead at Virginia Tech. I wept for their families, their friends, their sisters. I kept imagining losing my precious in a tragedy like this and the image does not free my mind.
I was talking online to a friend in India today about this and he said, 'come home.'
And involuntarily, my response was, 'This is my home.'

I've been here 6 years. I was here for Columbine. I was here for 9/11. I was here for the Amish school shootings. But nothing has affected me as much as the VTech incident. Perhaps it reminds me how vulnerable we really are and how fragile our lives are. But this rude awakening towards the mortality of my loved ones, has displaced my equilibruim today. Acts of terrorism and communal violence has never taken me by surprise. It is these stories, these acts of sheer ruthlessness and evil that leave me stumped. It is with great difficulty that I learnt today - that we will never, be able to understand the human psyche. Never.

I pray for us today. And I pray for our future.

2007-01-09T21:41:00.000-08:00

alternative lives. sliding doors. people grow. wonder. love fades, love dies. wonder why. ignite.
think buying a new computer will make be happy, but i am still here. surrounded by the same naked trees, honey walls and empty eyes.
life, like a racehorse. one trophy after another. green and more green. time for friendships? gone.
writing. lost luster. living- forgot the roses. forgot vienna.
burned.

me

2006-12-29T01:15:00.000-08:00

PS- Everyday I get to know myself a little better. Today I learnt that my two favorite authors are Murakami Haruki and Milan Kundera.
Ofcourse, there are the one-time genious as Khalid Hosseini and Arthur Golden.

10 things for 2006.

2006-12-29T00:57:00.000-08:00

1. I like new blogger.
2. My Christmas break is uneventful, to say the least. Childhood friend is visiting, we are close but not close. Close because we share the same friends, school and college. But it was nice having her here, kinda got to know her better. For example, I now know that she hates cheese and animated movies.
3. Miss Jolly. Miss bombay more. Miss it more because Jolly is so busy partying and experiencing bombay the way I've always wanted to. With friends. And at 20.
4. Boyfriend surprised me with lovely chandelier swarovski earrings. AND the Aladin DVD. OMG. That was the cheapest, but in my opinion, the best-est gift ever just for the sentimental value that movie holds for me. Dont ask me why. Aladin, 'A Whole new world,' magic -- I grew up thinking that fantasy was my life and the song was the background to my life. The poloroid also arrived. Me ecstatic.
5. Random 'gaav' ke cousins are now on orkut. Alerted boyfriend to not scrap. Reminded myself to delete all scraps that allude to the his existence.
6. New year resolution: 1) make more friends, meet more people 2) create something, make it big 3) hit the jackpot,bring home the million.
7. Philly tires me sometimes. Need to make new friends here or need to convince existing friends to move here.
8. Boyfriend moving apartments. Weekend and 31st will be spent cleaning, moving and cleaning some more. No regrets. Will miss him though from my apartment :(
9. Joined belly-dancing classes.
10.Fell a little bit more in love with myself.

Ruled out.

2006-12-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through orkut, evesdropping on random lives and in a general state of wonderment at the lives people lead when I chanced upon photographs of a friend's new born. He's a friend's friend and my connection to him was brief, but when in college, you are privy to everyone's dirty laundry. Ofcourse, mine was washed out on the front lawn too.

His story was one of love and longing. They met in grad school- dated for almsot 2 years - the parents approved and just when wedding bells were about to ring, they called it quits. A year later, he got married to a doctor from Delhi and bought her to Amrika. Another year later, they made a baby in their recently-bought house.

I wonder about relationships. I wonder about people. Everything is so calculated once the mind begins to understand and want. I think, it's life. It's so calculated. Milestone after milestone. It's like we are forever ticking off items of our THINGS TO DO list. Graduate, First job, first car, grad school, 100K+ job, new house, marriage, babies, blah blah.

The thought almost stifles me. Like suburbia. Moving up in life, climbing the social ladder. It doesn't have to be that way, you know. It doesn't have to take you 30 years to make your first million. Or you don't have to get married at 27. and make babies by 30. There are no rules. You make your own and yet, just a few realize that.

Funny I say that, when I'm shackled by the same bloody rules.

:D

2006-12-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

brown girl in the ring
tra la la la la
she's a brown girl in the ring..
traaaa la laa la
brown girl in the ring
tra la la la
she looks like a sugar in the plum
plum plum

What I plan to do with my Polaroid

2006-12-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

I'm rooting strongly for a kitshcy little Polaroid camera with blacknwhite and color film to magically appear on my doorstep this Christmas. I've also been hinting very heavily at the person most likely to gift it to me. Back home in Santacruz my mom treasures a few faded, yellowed, polaroids of our family taken back in the 80's by my American mama who endlessly fascinated us with shiny, new, objects and technologies from America. The polroid was the big deal in the 80's, our commonplace Konica was no match to the strange whirring machine that instantly produced first-class photographs. Last year I bought the inexpensive Sunflowers perfume by Elizabeth Arden- a perfume that trendy fashionistas will sneer at if they caught me wearing it but it brings back sweet memories of rain-soaked days, metallic smell of the BEST bus and cobalt blue pinafores. And I'd do anything to live one day in the past.

I hope to document my domestic life with the Polroids. Moments that vanish with time, moments of comedic meter and heck- if I try a lovely dress in a dressing room, I'd like to click an instant picture for posterity.

Yay!

Faraway Princess

2006-11-30T19:32:00.000-08:00

Been a while.

I just returned from a two-day trip to New York. I had to stay there overnight -it wasn't so bad but I don't like hotels. Few American hotels have the kind of hospitality that Indian hotels do - unless it's the Mandarin Oriental or the Waldorf Astoria. so until I climb the social ladder to afford a night at one of those, I'll continue to hate hotels. Thank you.

I was in NY for an Innovation conference which was quite a load of bullshit. I learnt little, met some interesting people and ate breakfast cakes.That pretty much sums up the conference. But it was New York! And that city always evokes strange emotions. I met with an old fashion mag friend for lunch and while we were lunching at Rockefellar we almost bumped into Matthew Fox, the hottie from LOST. I think he was returning from a taping at the NBC Studios. Ah-ha! And then I saw paparazzi crowding a particular 6th ave store and I did a little digging around to find out a model/actress (unknown to me) was shooting inside.There are two words that describe New York: crowded and excessively crowded. Yesterday was "The Day" - when the Rockefellar center christmas tree goes live. And as you can imagine, tourists swarmed at the center to watch the famed tree come to life. It was so crowded that I hate to wait for 15 minutes for the elevator in my building. A large shipment (read tourbus) of toursits had just arrived from the airport and their suitcases littered the reception area. They were scuttling and hurring to the center to catch the live action. I realized something yesterday - that I'm not a big fan of mid-town. Funny it took me so long to come to that conclusion considering I worked in midtown.

It's just too damn full of tourists!
***

On my return trip back home I bumped into my ex-boss, the rolling-eyed devil. An editor-in-chief of a major magazine here quit and my ex-boss is interviewing for this position. She wants to shut down her company and become the EIC of a major magazine. I'll be damned if she gets that job. She hugged and air-kissed me like nothing ever happened. Actually a few days back when I was at dinner with the boyfriends parents, she called me with a quasi job-offer. I learnt a painful lesson in business that night - never burn your bridges. I spoke with her with all the grace and civility I could muster but I couldn't stop bitching about it later. I was also elated. It gave me closure and reminded me that it wasn't me or my performance that was questionable. If she called to hire me, obviously I did something right working for her. Eff it.
Why am I so obsessed with this woman? Incidentally, today we were also on the same train back to Philly and I intentionally sat two seats behind her to spy on her. Perverse no?
I don't think I will rest until I prove myself to be far more successful than her.
***

SIx friends get married this December. Out of all their weddings, I only mourn not being able to attend Tinys. She sent me an email today. Attached was a letter I had written to her in 2001. I opened it, glanced at it and closed it. See, some places I just don't visit. But on 17th December, I will read that letter. And I will dig out my box of hand-written letters and read every letter she wrote to me. I will pull out our photographs and go back to 2000. And I will cry. We were so fukin naive. We made stupid promises with no inkling about our futures.
Who knew jobs and lives and money and obligations and shit like that ran our lives.
I miss her, and I will miss her more on 17th December.
***

PS- I learnt something about myself today. I few years ago I called myself, "Faraway Princess" on MSN. Ironic?

----

2006-10-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

This song makes me cry. Reminds of of lost loves and suspended hopes. A very close friend's husband died- I just found out a few days ago and my mind has been sort of blank. I wasn't very close with her husband but he was a kind man. They have two beautiful children and it's just...not fair.

I am unable to believe in death. Sometimes I feel nothing. And I don't want to feel nothing.

I also miss having a friend. A close friend. Someone who is like me. I have 'friends,' but very little time and energy to keep a close friend. Whatever. This song is for you, Ahlu.

Jag ja re gudiya, misri ki pudiya, meethe lage do naina
Nainon mein tere hum hi base the, hum hi base hain…haina
Oh ri rani, gudiya, jag ja…ari jag ja, mari jag ja

Halka sa kosa, subah ka bosa
Maan ja ri ab jag ja
Naak pe tere kaatega bichu
Jag ja toh maan ja
Jo chahe le lo, dashrath ka vaada
Nainon se kholo ji raina
Oh ri rani, gudiya, jag ja…ari jag ja, moi jag ja

Kirnon ka sona, os ke moti
Motiyon sa mogra
Tera bichauna bhar bhar de daaloon
Gulmohar ka tokra
Aur jo bhi chaho, mango ji mango
Bolo ji meri maina
Oh ri rani, gudiya, jag ja…ari jag ja, oi jag ja

Jag ja re gudiya, misri ki pudiya, meethe lage do naina
Nainon mein tere hum hi base the, hum hi base hain…hai

just another monday morning

2006-10-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

I spectaculary failed my drivers test. It didn't even last 2 minutes before I knew it was going downhill. Parallel park scrwed me over. Or rather I screwed up parellel park. It's always so easy to push the blame on something that wasn't under my control.

Diwali came and went. Life kinda carried on as usual. Orkutters wished me and I recieved a few random smses including a loud and colorful sms from my Dad which amsued me to no extent. These are pensive days for my family. We stand on the throurghfare, between India and America, weighing our options. Mum says to me that I don't talk about India the way I used to. She says that it doesn't look like you want to come back. I don't let her claims break me. Instead I respond and make sure she knows why I am here. I feel no shame or embarrasment in saying that I am here for the better life I can provide for myself and people I love. I feel no shame in saying that I am here because I can earn more money here. And then I'm here because I love it here. My life is now here. I found love here. That is as truthful and honest as the color of my blood.

But some feelings are best kept at bay. I struggle with trying to erase the harsh memories of my first few years here. My parents had been warned that to send a child so young away would be a mistake. I had been warned, but I wanted the taste of that forbidden fruit, I wanted to reach those dreams. I speak of those years now like I' m narrating an oft-seen movie that you aren't particularly fond of but hold an irresistible urge to share your review with everyone. Maybe because I am still trying to understand the (in)signifiance of those tears? I ask myself questions and I try to answer them myself. Why do we think that at 18 we know it all?
It's like those years robbed me something. What? I can't quite figure out.

This is not something I wish to disect and analyze anymore. Suffering moulds you into a tougher, stronger being. That suffering for love, approval, hunger and warmth. I wouldn't want to go through those years again. For nothing in the world. And for as long as I am alive, I know that I never want to be there again. Nor do I want anyone I love to worry about spending that extra dollar on food or the winter coat. There is no measure for suffering as there is none for sadness or love. There is no answer to how much have you suffered just as there is no answer to how much do you love me? You either learn from it or you break. And I'm still learning.

I think half the things people say to themselves or each other are horse-shit. Things to make ourself feel better. God knows, I'm guilty of that. (like telling ppl I failed my driving test becoz my instructor didn't coach me correctly. BS)
***

whoa. too much for one morning. on the brighter side, this friday a good friend of ours is visiting us after almost 1.5 years. friday is "the" night. we are geting drunk, stoned and everything in between. par--tay!

car car car!

2006-10-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Things are work are heating up. The colleague I've been car-pooling with is leaving to Aruba for a vacation for the next 10 days which leaves me without a ride and hence, has forced me to buy my car this weekend-- a full three weeks sooner than planned.
I've been practising on R's car since a few days but he yells too much at me. So yesterday he asked D, his best friend/roommate and my friend to sit next to me and coach me. D didn't yell even once and only pointed out my mistakes after I had parked the car. So when we left to go home again, I drove and I took point of all of D's notes and made those improvements in my driving. R threw up his hands because he had been saying the same things to me for the last 2 weeks. I told him if he didn't scold me so much, I'd have listened to him. He just shrugged. :P

So now I am scheduled to give an exam on Friday morning and I simply cannot fail it. If I do, I just won't have a way to get to work for the next couple of days. Inshallah.

welcome fall

2006-10-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

There's a slight crispness in the air. Leaves are changing colors and when the last few rays of the sunset reflect on the fallen leaves, they glimmer a brilliant shade of russet gold. A particular tree that I pass every day to work, was among the first ones to welcome fall and when all it's compatriots around were still lush green, this one was a blazing red. It was a spectacle.
My shelves have been replaced with comfortably soft sweaters and my woollen scarves are out of suitcases. My shoes are packed away and the fake Uggs are out. I even changed my bedspread to a bright red paisley print to add a splash of color to my room. All my favorite TV shows have begun, with new episodes, new characters and new stories. The last of the autumn leaves were pluck out of the swimming pool and now a metal green awning covers the length and breadth of it. It's even a little less easier to find a good parking spot, that reminds me of the winter interia that's seeping in everywhere. The fountains around the park will cease to flow so bountifully soon.
Even the air smells different. Cleaner. Whiter and restful.

Days slip by into weeks, weeks into months and indefinitely fall always invites a subdued introspection. The classy stores on Walnut Street have taken to playing holiday songs, nudging shoppers in the subtlest ways to begin their holiday shopping. Soon, the fairy lights will be up on every street, every park and every standalone tree. The city will embrace the fall with a magificence that could only take your breath away. Badly dressed Santa's will crowd the street squares and people like me will be more willing to donate a few stray dollars to the umpteen happy homeless people that monger around the parks and sleep on empty benches.

I love my city. I love it so much that it makes me want to cry sometimes. I have looked at the soul of this city and it stared right back at me. When I left it for the glitzy lights of New York, it still welcomed me with open arms when I returned. They say people make a place and it may be true. Right now, the people I care about and want them to be around me are here in this city. In a few years when I am ready once again to start anew, with new people, new friends -- I will make the move. For now, I'm hopelessly in love with my city.

This weekend I experienced another facet of this city. We woke up at the break of dawn on Saturday and were out of the apartment by 8.30am. I had a 9am appointment for a facial at a spa in downtown Philly. The spa was so beautiful that I may have stared because I've never been to one before. At 9am int he morning, it was beautifully lit with soft tealights and a nice smelling candles. I was offered fresh minty-limey water and then ushered into a massage room. It felt so nice to have the woman's soft kneading hands on my face. She also gave my face tiny electric shocks -- supposdly a new technology in skincare. Anyways, I left feeling beautiful and refreshed. R and me spent a few hours at Barnes and Noble, just having breakfast and reading. And we decided to lunch at Reading Terminal. Reading Terminal is one of Philadelphia's oldest markets -- very much like the open Italian markets. A hundred and more tiny open stores are stuffed into this huge open space. We passed through the Amish farmers and I locked eyes with one of the girls selling Lancester county jams and conveyed my condolenses. (Recently a random man just walked into an Amish school and killed 3 innocent girls. Read up on it. It's the most horrifying story) R was born and raised in Muscut and will pick Middle Eastern food over any other kind any day. And since I'm a vegeterian, sometimes, I like to eat food I can really enjoy. So he ate shwarma and I ate Thai. I was pissed off at the woman for adding brocolies to my food AND too much squash. But the humdrum and business of the Reading Terminal market cannot afford the luxury of time. People eye you and the minute you get up from your seats, they are grabbed.

Then we went shoe-shopping and met up with Resh and Hardeep at a newly opened chocolate cafe. I'm don't like chocolates but I LOVE cupcakes. So we chilled for a bit and then returned home. It was fantastic for once, to not wake up at noon on a weekend and have half the day gone.

Last week I was also in NY for a day for work. After wrapping up work, I walked around Soho with a list of stores and restaurants I wanted to explore. I spent wrong money on indulgences (which is why I'm broke until my next paycheck) but it was so much fun! I love NY - the city always inspires me. People say it all the time and I echo their thoughts. There are all kinds of people in NY and that gives it such a rich layer that you cannot stop exploring. In my opinion (and also my work) much of the city lies on the streets. The shops, the stores, the restaurants, the people.
I am a big fan of history but that is something to reflect on and understand : experiencing a city is done on the street. I finally went to the tiny hole-in-the-wall kidrobot store. (www.kidrobot.com) and added two more munny's to my small collection. (I am obsessed with collecting japanese figurines and tiny toys) And then a found a cute Parsien store and added 3 more little toys to my collection. I desserted at Rice to RIches (www.ricetoriches.com) and lunched at Hampton Chutney (www.hamptonchutney.com) an awesome place that serves American-style dosas! I really really wanted R to try this place becoz I knew he'd love it so instead of eating my lunch, I got it packed and took it home. I picked a portobello mushroom, carmelized onion and feta cheese doas with mango chutney!! Ahhh. Only in NY can you find weird places like this.

I also browsed through several other stores but all in all, it was a memorable- much needed trip. I plan to make those more often!

And now it's 945am and I have to get back to work. Muah-- I'm ready and armed to face the fall.

meeting halfway

2006-09-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I make the horrible mistake of putting my foot in my mouth. Let me explain the unusual outburst and the cause of it. It was obviously directed towards R.
Friday night we had a big fight and it was my fault and I take full responsibility for it. So we made up and Saturday decided to give the entire day to ourselves. We had lunch at a not-so-good place but I wanted to try it since a long time. And bought tickets for the Illusionist. We spent the 40 minutes or so before the movie browsing through an independent book store and I end up buying Everything is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran, (If you haven’t seen the movie, watch it. It’s awesome) and Lord of the Flies. We put some more quarters in the car again and entered the theater. We miscalculated the time and reached when all the best aisle seats were taken so I found two empty seats at the back near two very fat, very old , very wrinkled, very adorable women. They were so beautifully and comfortable situated in their seats that they asked if we could just squeeze through. I had no problems but R has such long legs that he fumbled a little and gave me the look, “didn’t you find any other seats.”
But the movie was AWESOME. Blew our minds away. I’m so glad I went for this movie. We were driving back home when I spotted the monthly art exhibit at Rittenhouse square and begged to R to park the car and look at art with me. We were lucky to find parking in the area and we looked at the not-so-impressive but super-expensive art and as we were walking back our friend Resh called us. We hadn’t seen her in a while so we decided to stay put on Walnut street and grab a drink with her.
We found a cozy bar and got a table and waited for Resh to show up. R complained that I had stopped drinking alcohol and that he missed my company and in a whimsy, I ordered a mojito. The fuking mojito was so strong, that it screwed me over. When Resh came, we hung out for a bit and then walked down the street to her apartment. Resh played an old cassette of Salman Khan songs and I was so tipsy, we laughed at those poufy hair, baby doll frocks and gaudy makeup from the 90’s. did I mention the funky dance steps? Esp. from that movie Panther and Phool or something when he does that jig with Raveena Tandon. I blew us man, did we really grow up watching this stuff?
We were having so much fun but we had to leave. So we made plans to meet in a few hours at Mahagony, the cigar lounge on the street. So R and me hurried home.. we walked through gaybourhood, R was visibly uncomfortable and I was sadly dying to see some drag queens. We grabbed a slice of pizza and walked towards the car. Only- we had forgotten where the car was parked. We hunted and hunted for about 45 minutes and then realized we were hunting on the wrong street. Finally we found the car and headed home. Changed quickly and went to Mahagony. That mojito had totally hit me by now and R was getting a little annoyed with me.
Four of our friends were already there and a few arrived later. So we are all sitting and having a good time and the guys are sharing jokes about the waitresses and from somewhere, someone asked R to ask for one of the waitresses number. I’m not even sure who picked the topic… maybe it was me? But I have no recollection. But then I edged him on and challenged him. He flatly refused and after a bit, I forgot all about it and went to the restroom with my girlfriend. So while my girlfriend showed me her flat worked-out tummy and made me feel miserable about mine, the guys forced R to ask for the waitresses number. He kept refusing but the boys including his best friend kept forcing him. To shut them up (and me, I suppose) he just asked for her number and that bitch gave it to him.
So I come back from the restroom and his best friend smiles at me and shows me the paper napkin with the number on it. And I look slightly bemused at R. and he said, you asked for it. Then, I feel a little bit of pride and confusion and want to kiss R. The fact that he’s still so desired and wanted by other women makes my heart melt. Coz guess who’s going home with this boy? Me.
But that feeling doesn’t last long. The stupid waitress comes by again and whispers to R that he should call her. Now R is feeling bad that he bought her hopes up… so he wants to alleviate his guilt. So he gets and tells me that he’s gonna make sure that the waitress gets the tip and goes to the bar. My eyes follow her and that bloody waitress, overjoyed at his concern, gave him a hug and a kiss on his cheeks. I fumed when I saw that.
And then R started acting oddly with me. And then his best friend Dhru, took us all to his apartment. He had a joint of weed and he thought it would be cool for all of us to smoke it to together. Let me tell you one thing, I’ve never smoked before, not even a cigg. But I kinda always wanted to try weed so I took a puff and it burned my throat. But it was the funnest night we’ve had in a long time even though we didn’t go dancing.

There was hardly enough of that stuff for one person so it didn’t really hit any of us. We chilled for a bit and then trooped back home. R and me just went to bed without saying a word to each other.
In the morning, we spoke up and it was so dreary and dull. We spoke and he told me he was pissed off that I challenged him infront of his friends to ask for that girls number. And just.. one thing led to another and we didn’t talk to each other properly all day. And I kept getting these horrible thoughts of him leaving me for someone else and my mind started overtiming and overworking and argh. It was horrible. We fought in the morning, we fought at nights, we annoyed each other to the extent of breaking up. My alarm pissed him off and him plopping on the bed pissed me off and it was just a dark dark time.

Which probably explains why I wrote that post.

But, things heal and we are healing. He is practical to the point of being a 35 year old in a 24 year old body and I’m idealistic to the point of being a 13 year old in a 23 year old body. And that’s where we clash. So loudly that it rattles and shakes everything around us and the very foundation of what we believe in and how we perceive our lives.
I was once told me a tarot card reader that if I last it out with R for 2 something years, we are for good. But such prophecies are best not believed. How can someone/ anyone tell the future of a relationship when all that exists is the present and our dreams for tomorrow? We are trying to meet each other at 23. I’m trying to grow up for him and he’s learning to be more child-like and more his age for me. And maybe, just maybe it will work out.

The last few days have been spent blissfully in the domesticity of life. We come home late and tired, we cook dinner together (he made awesome dosas last night and my pathetic attempt at making some kerlaite chutney turned out completely something else which was quite delicious) we read together and then we sleep, waking up to yet another routine. But never in my life have I so looked forward to sharing a routine. Especially with him.

2006-09-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

this is probably my last post here. i cant do this anymore, im not honest to myself here.
i know certain people are reading this and i no longer feel as close to them as i did at one point. and you'll never know who im taking about coz i wont tell. but if you know me even a little, you know its you.
sorry, but i have to do this.

goodbye, indefinitely.

sunshiny days

2006-09-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

Breathe.

I find it childlike and it makes me feel shy to wax eloquent about R. And it constantly surprises me because I remember writing jeweled poetry and recounting nostalgic experiences with the insignificant men of my past relationships. In being with R, I've understood an entire new meaning of love. What's there to write about really? It doesn't feel like there ever was a time when he wasn't a part of my life and yet, I remember that time so vividly.

But god, men can be annoying. I am a little paranoid about everything right now. Esp. since there are a lot of firsts in my life right now. My first *own* apartment etc. I don't like people wearing shoes in my house, I need my kitchen clean, I need the sink cleaned at night, I don't like clothes all over the place...and I DONT like the AC on all the time. I get cold too easily. And what do you think R is like? Total bloddy opposite!

I just bought a four hundred dollar bed, my very first purchase. And R jumps on it and plops on it every single fukin time! And if he wants to get up, he stands on the bed and jumps down. And it grates my nerves. I didn't pay all this money to have a broken bed in six months. And now he does it only to annoy me. It makes me want to tear my hair.

I'm always freezing in my OWN apartment because His Majesty wants the AC on. God forbid if I have the AC off or worse, the heat on. And then he makes an (annoying in hindsight) but (adorable in circumctances) puppy face, and he's sweating and he pretends to be dying and I shurg my sholders, bury myself inside my closet and come out as though I'm dressed for Iceland.

He's lucky I love him so much, but one of these days, I'm going to lock him out or worse, hope for the AC to break.

***

I am in the process of buying a car, atleast once my employment paperwork gets through. I am buying a car because my job requires it, I'm not particularly looking forward to adding another five hundred bucks to my monthly expenses. I can barely afford a card, but I'm already addicted to the freedom it will grant me.

And learning stuff about insurance, payments, savings, financial planning, hiring an accountant....it fukin feels so grown up. It's like the last vestige of being a carefree whimsy birdie. Now it's all about the future. But I can't argue with teh fact that I live my present far better knowing my future is secure. It isn't yet, but inshallah, it will soon be.

***

My friend and R's best friend, is on teh threshold of graduation and picking his best options and he's so smart, companies have already started wooing him. Companies that don't sponsor H1 Visas are making an exception for him... and he's got everythign going for him. One of the things that makes me happiest about growing up, is seeign where life takes my friends. Its so heartening to see how people you knew as puny, lukha college students who had to scrape money for khanna and who sneaked into movie theaters from the exit door to avoid paying $8 for a ticket, are goign places, becoming adults, talkign big dreams and just... growing up.
A strange sort of humility hides somewhere in there.

***

And this weekend, I'm gonna paint the city red. I'm going dancing, with or without boyfriend. Nothing. will. stop. me.
Happy saturday!

working girl

2006-09-05T14:12:00.002-07:00

My boss put together a cross-functional team for my project a few weeks back. they all made it to the first meeting and none showed up for the second meeting. I was a bit bummed and so I scheduled 1-on-1 meetings to get to know them better, to have them understand me and just break the ice and sell them on my project. unless they think of this as their baby too, I'll never get a 100% from them.

so today, when the mktg director wasn't able to make it to my meeting, he emailed me and informed me about it. and said something about "our project." it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. atleast my team members are thinking about this project as their baby! in the next 2 weeks, i hope to gain more goodwill and totally convert them into firm believers of the project that I'm heading. it feels awesome especially coz I'm a lowly 23 year old and these are people with fantastic experiences and years and years of experience. I'm learning oh so much. But deep down, I am always on the edge. Wondering what if I get fired? what if my company decides to not go ahead with the project? my paperwork isn't completely done yet and it makes me anxious. funnily, I've never thought- what if I fail at this project. That's a good indication, I suppose. I live to work. and thankfilly, I love my work.

***
This weekend was totally chilled out. We didn't do anything extravagant, just slept half the day and stayed up half teh nights! We drove down to jersey to watch munna bhai and my sister (Jolly) and me cannot stop humming "pal pal.." On our way back from the movie, Gaurav got cranky because it was long weekend and he wanted to *do* something. So we made a detour and drove to Altantic City. It was super fun! We didn't gamble much, all of us are big sissies when it comes to gambling money. But we decided to go to vegas next year and go all out.

Yesterday R went to watch the US Open live with his best friend. He was gone for most of the day and believe it or not, even though we missed each other crazy, we both end up having a great time. I spent quality time with Jolly. She cooked dosas for lunch and I rent 'Just my luck', the silly chick flick. After lunch, I walked to the city to spend some money (hehe) and bought a lovely SJP-like dress that I can wear to work as is and can wear out to dinner if I only added a piece of electric blue silk ribbon to it. Improvisations! My time from the ny fashion mags comes in handy now. While shopping at the store, I befriended the shopgirl who was grumbling about having to fold the pile of clothes other shoppers left behind. "People are such animals!" Turns out, she lives a block from my building and is an engg. from U Mich Ann-Arbor. She is in-between jobs right now and has to suck it up in retail until she finds something else. Mostly, we hit it off coz she's from Lebanon and we had enough stories to swap about our countries. We end up walking home together and she's promised to teach me belly dancing if I feed her some Indian food! yaaay!

I also bumped into two very good friends of mine while walking in the city and end up having coffee with them. It was just so good to be out on my own, without a boyfriend.... I don't mean it in a negative way. I mean it exactly the way I said it. I hung out with my girl-friends, swapped stories, made plans to go salsa-ing this weekend and came home a happy camper.

Jolly invited me for dinner and we cooked together. I grumbled coz she insisted on making rotis from scratch (atta and all) I pleaded that we should just heat the frozen malaysian paraths and she wouldn't listen. But boy, am I glad! The rotis were dripping with Amul ghee and while it took us 2 hours to cook the meal, it was over in 10 mintues! We pounced on it like we'd never seen food before.
After dinner she ordered me to go inside her room. She said she had a "surprise." She walks in the room a few minutes later with FALOODA!!!!
I almost died!

And gulped down the glass, stuffing my already over-stuffed stomach.

I came home and chilled with another friend for a bit and then went to bed. R came back from teh match at 4am and I was sooo happy. I woke up , we talked, he showed me the pics, gave me a smiley bear that says US OPEN and we hugged and went to bed.

the best sleep i ever had!!!

too much of a good thing

2006-09-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

Last night, another murky fight, wasted evening, spent feeligns and hurt eyes. relationships are so hard. eternal love and all that is one thing but (attempting) to live with someone 24/7 is another. there is no room for bullshit coz when you do, you get caught.
We are just too different and althought I know R occasionally reads this, I guess I have to admit that sometiems I wonder if love will keep us through this. He thinks I'm psycho and I think he has an anger problem. And this is a relationship, so even though it is very tempting to bring in a third person to judge who's right and wrong, we just have to talk it through and figure out who's right and who's wrong, coz trust me, someone is always wrong.
He feels that I take him for granted, which I agree, I do sometimes but have been makign a conscious effor to not do so. and btw, this was the a fukin difficult sentence to admit to.
Two friends of ours, that are married and live a few floors above mine talked to us one night when me and R fought infront of them and I hit R. (it was a terrible night) This is my first real relationship, and R and me are both ambititious and headstrong and I think we have big egos when it comes to each other. I don't knwo what it is man! All I know is, I dont want to screw this up.

***
I've been dyin to go otu dancing since such a long time. i don't remember the last time I went dancing. But it wont be possible this wekeend either thanks to hurricane ernesto. ill have to stay cooped in my apt. and clean my bathroom. how fun.

gettign ready for the long weekend

2006-08-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

I skipped work on tuesday, as did the BF. It wasn't really planned, we just couldn't wake up in the morning. Two of our friends (that the BF doesn't like evry much but I do) left for India for a few months. They will probably be married when they are back. So we had a last dinner together and it got quite late that night. Which explains why we couldn't wake up the next morning.

So the BF made me awesome dosas, and called me Stinky as I feasted on them in my pjs and wthout brushing my teeth. That's his pet name for me, Stinky. And I actually lke it, I think its adorable. I do not stink, thank you very much...infact, I smell very good. So while eating the dosas with Mangola, we were flipping channels and end up watching a beautiful documentary on Philadelphia. and my heart burst with the love I feel for this city. It has molded me into who I am today. as I watched the documentary, i realized how little of this city I know. and how much remains to be explored. sigh.

on another note, sometimes, I sorely miss new york. just for the kind of people that live in that city, the kind of things they do, and the kind of conversations they have. I wish Philly attracted such people...I used to feel very lost in new york. its like, i knew teh streets and the subways, but I didn't know the people. in philly, i feel at home with the people here. inshallah, maybe i will return to nyc (and this time LIVE in nyc) in a few years.

the long weekend is creeping up. today is aug 31st and teh chill in the air reminds me that winter is lurkign around the corner. the swimming pool is empty now because it is too cold. we barely had a summer. i'm planning on going to LA mid-nov to attend a non-profit fashion event. the event's organizer and me became friends over an interview and we want to take the event to india. i'm planning on coming to india this dec as well and she'll accompany me so we can scout the scene and so i can show her around bambai. i have two weddings to attend this dec and im super psyched.

nitin is getting married in a place called solan, a hour away from shimla. i have NEVER been to the north of india and i'm so excited. most of our friends will be there and it will be soo much fun! unfortunately R can't make it and it makes me very sad. i will miss him throughout. he hasn't been to his home in kerela in almost 3 yrs now and can't go until next year. some h1 crap.

i love sarees. and im always loooking for an excuse to wear one. and weddings are the perfect excuse to add more sarees to your wardrobe. ive decided though that i will pack very light for my flight to india. nothing but the essentails, i dont really fancy havig my luggage lost or having to drag it around.

so I will spend 3 days in solan/simla with friends and head back to bbay for tina(1)s wedding. she's a bohri and ive heard muslim weddings are a blast. they the food is supposed to be delicious if i remember a certain friends description of a bohri wedding he attended (!) granted, i may not get to spend time with her but she's moving to dubai after her wedding and taht gives me a reason to visit dubai. yay. her wedding will last a few days but since i will be in bbay i will have time to get work done and meet my other friends and family. i will prolly take off 10-12 days from work and it will be a defintie challenge to fit everyone!

in spt. however, another friend and fellow blogger visits new york and may get married here. so i may have to troop down there! growing old is so much fun, atleast for now- you get to witness yoru friends thru the biggest and some of the best moments in their lives.

on another note-- this weekend we are planning to watch the munna bhai part 2. I am SOO excietd. i loved the first part of the movie.

brb

electric blue in me

2006-08-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

I've always been fascinated by the word, electric. and more so, electric blue. it sends a shiver through my spine, it makes me feel as though I am at the very edge of a jumping board above a pool and the first few seconds when I take the plunge and am suspended mid-air, a few feet away from the water- are the most exhilirating moments, electric moments.
I was reading a few blogs online today and thinking how my blogging/writing has evolved. It is not the calm, meditative, burning writing anymore. my words don't pierce nor do they inspire pain, longing or nostalgia. my words are, now, electric. I think. they run, they are zagged, with unruly edges and sharp. so today I want to share with you a poem i have loved ever since i first heard it and a poet who i relate to the most at this point in my life. the liquid energy in his writing, the "electric" element, draws me to his words, and i make them my own.
this poem breaks the mold - words don't rhyme here, it doesn't have stanzas and verses. it is, at it is. and that's exactly how i feel at this point in my life -- as i am. breaking the mold, making my own. the poem is about a city i have lived in but not loved as I love philadelphia. but if you look beyond what it is about and feel the energe of the words, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Manhatta - by Walt Whitman

I WAS asking for something specific and perfect for my city,
Whereupon, lo! upsprang the aboriginal name!

Now I see what there is in a name, a word, liquid, sane, unruly, musical, self-sufficient;

I see that the word of my city is that word up there,
Because I see that word nested in nests of water-bays, superb, with tall and wonderful
spires,
Rich, hemm’d thick all around with sailships and steamships—an island sixteen
miles
long, solid-founded,
Numberless crowded streets—high growths of iron, slender, strong, light, splendidly
uprising toward clear skies;
Tide swift and ample, well-loved by me, toward sundown,
The flowing sea-currents, the little islands, larger adjoining islands, the heights, the
villas,
The countless masts, the white shore-steamers, the lighters, the ferry-boats, the black
sea-steamers well-model’d;
The down-town streets, the jobbers’ houses of business—the houses of business of
the
ship-merchants, and money-brokers—the river-streets;
Immigrants arriving, fifteen or twenty thousand in a week;
The carts hauling goods—the manly race of drivers of horses—the brown-faced
sailors;
The summer air, the bright sun shining, and the sailing clouds aloft;
The winter snows, the sleigh-bells—the broken ice in the river, passing along, up or
down,
with the flood tide or ebb-tide;
The mechanics of the city, the masters, well-form’d, beautiful-faced, looking you
straight
in the eyes;
Trottoirs throng’d—vehicles—Broadway—the women—the shops and
shows,
The parades, processions, bugles playing, flags flying, drums beating;
A million people—manners free and superb—open voices—hospitality—the
most
courageous and friendly young men;
The free city! no slaves! no owners of slaves!
The beautiful city, the city of hurried and sparkling waters! the city of spires and
masts!
The city nested in bays! my city!
The city of such women, I am mad to be with them! I will return after death to be with
them!
The city of such young men, I swear I cannot live happy, without I often go talk, walk,
eat,
drink, sleep, with them!

helluva week and some learnings.

2006-08-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

Last week was rollercoaster. monday was abi (sis's bf) birthday and we trooped all teh way to new jersey to dine at the mexican food factory. great food, great ambience and everyone showed up. awesome experience! although i cant' rememebr who was sitting enxt to me. i was very tired - getting used to this new routine of goign to bed early and waking up early isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

tuesday was fantastic in every sense of the word. a couple of us went to a Live Indian Ocean concert. R, me and our friend Tina were at a table with two english professors from Penn. such erudite people! the kind of indians I've always wanted to be associated with. we started chatting and I just felt so intellectually fulfilled. the college i went doesn't attract intellectually smart people. not that I am by any means very smart but I sincerely enjoy sparkling conversations and i like to feel my adrenaline rushing and my intelligence quotient rising up. i'm planning on taking classes at penn just so that i can continue my intellectual growth and be in constant company of smart, overachieving indviduals. the profs. we met are moving to london for a year to set up penns south asian program there but i hope it is a connection that will last forever. they were so sophisticated! the husband (husband and wife team) even offered to buy us drinks but we politely declined. and just the tone of their vocies, the confidence infused words -- ahh! I felt so energized that night.

And the concert topped teh evening. I LOVE that band. I remember listening to Kandisa on re-runs as I prepared for my SATS way back in 1999. the group is so chilled out -- we chilled with them after the concert and took pics. even had a drink with rahul, the lead singer! for the first time in my life, i felt that philadelphia had the potential to offer me the kind of life i've alwasy dreamt of. an intellectually and artistically fulfilling one.

then came wednesday night and for the life of me I cannot remember what we did then. but i do know it was something to do with going out somewhere and chilling. thursday maybe was lowkey but friday again was a lot of fun. jolly and me spent the entire day together and just... hung out. it was so much fun.

weekend I finished grocery shopping and my laundry. boring sundry tasks that need to get done. went to barnes and noble, picked up a few books. relaxed... fought with R, made up, chilled some more. actually, we haven't been fighting all taht much now, just friendly fights without which life would be incredible bore.

like this morning! because of my erratic sleep pattern over the weekend, i couldnt fall asleep last night. i tossed and turned and dropped a glass and made a lot of noise in bed and kept waking up R (unintentioanlly!) he wanted to wake up at 5.30am this morning, work out and go to work early, so he could come back home early. but then we both woke up real late this morning. (6.30 am instead of 5.30) and he got pissed off with me and yelled at me in the morning saying, next time if I couldn't fall asleep,I should stay in the living room. I yelled back that if he had such a big problem he should sleep over at his place. he huffed and puffed, i huffed and puffed. we ignored each other and then he took a shower.
but after we got out, we both just looked at each other, mumbled a meek sorry and laughed about it.

i don't get couples that dont fight. how can you not fight? i dont think love can or should be idolized. my test of being in love/ and utterly comfortable wth your partner is your ability to be able to fart and burp infront of them. evn sitting next to them! (not that I condone it and you should fart the next time you are sitting enxt to your beloved) but if you can do that-- then, your relationship is healthy. atleast tahts my measure. also, just coz I'm in love with R and he's in love with me, doesn't mean we have each other on a pedestal. we are flawed human beigns and when in love, our flaws shine out the most coz they actually bother the other person!! my god- how much we fight over my absent-mindedness. the only excuse i ever have which he never buys is : I forgot.
sigh. but i like the little life we've built for ourselves and i hope we can shelter it and allow it to grow.

today i haev some friends over for dinner. am super tierd but really have to feed them. r has to study for his gmats so i wont ask him for help. after this the week should flow smoothly.

workwise- i'm realizing its far more difficult to implement something than to come up with ideas. am learning a lot.. and scared shitless!

inshallah, everything will work out.

familywise -- my kaka, (my dad's elder brother) is very ill. he has only one kidney and it needs a transplant and his wife, my kaki, is going to give him one. financialy, they cannot afford it and the family is going to help out. my family is not super rich and the operation is some 4 odd lakhs ($8000) I told my dad that I'd rather not go to India in dec and offer the money for my ticket for his operation. how can I not? and i dont even feel sad about this option. its not only the right thing to do, but it is the heartfelt thing to do.
my only reason to go to india in dec is for my close friends wedding, but i can always go to dubai and visit her there if i cant make it to the wedding.

i was speakign with karishma (makhtub) and she told me about how she is volunteering at an orphanage. she told me how selfish she felt at the thought of wanting to adopt one of the kids there....she was talking to me how these kids live in the moment and are simply dying for love. i was so touched speaking with her... it reminded me of a part of my life that id simply forgotten about. in my quest to be the number one executive or the most successful woman in america, i had forgotten about giving and loving and being human.

you really need to look beyond yourself sometimes and step back and say, that's enough. which is what i've decided to do now. i am looking for a way to channel this into a cause as well.

today is the first of our eight holy days (Im a jain) and while i am not sure if i believe in religion and it's boundaries, my only prayer to god today is to keep everyone i love and their loved ones safe, healthy and happy. really, that's all i want.

fillers

2006-08-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

Indira Nooyi will be the new CEO of PepsiCo starting Oct 1st. I am so inspired. She is obv, incredibly smart and one of teh first desi's to lead a US company of this size. Apart from digging up information about her, I'm super inspired to take my career to new heights now.

In other news, I've decided to brush up and continue learning Italian. I'm also thinking of taking evening classes at UPenn just to keep my intellect jogging and obv. to meet new people. R is applying to schools for an MS program as well. He really wants to get into Carneige Mellon and I know he will. But too much work to do before that and I'll be all alone once he leaves :( We've been fighting a lot these days and sometimes I feel like we are slowly falling apart but then its like, its me and him-- we are meant to be. But those assumptions are illusions. We haven't seen life and I don't know whats in store. All I can hope for is that the love remains, grows and lasts throught the next couple of years as we build our lives independent of each other.

December is going to be a crazy time. A couple of my friends are getting married and I can't miss their weddings! I'm so excited. I also may get a chance to meet my blog friends, my old forgotten school friends and a bunch of us are going together from here so we may all go to Goa as well. R may not be able to come but I'm hoping for a miracle. I'd love to meet you guys too, if any of you are interested in meeting me :)

Btw, in the last few weeks I met so many people on orkut it is ridiculous. I met my school friends I hadn't seen in 8 years. They had a reunion this past weekend and are planning another one when I go back in Dec. Orkut rocks, even though it gets annoying at times.

Back to work now!

sortingout.

2006-07-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

You tweak, twist and turn your life until you find the exact setting you want it to have. The right people, the right job, the right city - your love, your family, your peeps and your work. Life feels full, like it may be going somewhere. And then, there is that emptiness.

Yesterday I was arranging my books in the my new IKEA bookshelf. Emptying torn boxes on the carpet, dismissing the books in three piles: trash, front-row, back-row. Then there was that book. Printed and binded, a copy of my diary entries from 2000 - 2002. And there were more. Fat expensive hard-cover Archies notebooks I had purchased with stolen money from my Mum's purse because I wanted pretty books to write in. Tomes of poetry that documented broken hearts, faded dreams and golden nostalgia. It hurt me to read the lines. And when I did read, I couldn't go on much further because I was afraid to learn what I would find in those pages. I was afraid of remembering again the people I was close to, the people I had loved and the people I had not cared for in my past. I was afraid of throwing myself in that world of forgotten smells, conversations and people's voices. Because if I am being honest right now - I still, still, remember the nature of those days: from the sounds and the colors to the smell of the rains and hoot of the rickshaw. And it only causes me pain.

Not because I miss the past so much, but because my present is so different from my past that nothing links me back to it and I feel like I may have lost it forever.

I am on Orkut and I bump into these people I shared I large chunk of my life with. 10 years of school. And I stare blankly at their profiles and pictures now. I cannot remember being close to them, I cannot recognize them. I am unsure of how to view the little time together I had with them. Is that time enough to rekindle a friendship? Is that time enough to bridge the gap of distance and age?
More often than not -- it is not enough.

I often ask myself, if I left India too soon. If I should have finished undergrad in India. I have no regrets because at that time, it was the best decision and the right one to make. But in hindsight I wonder -- what if? Would I be closer to the people I left behind?

Why can't making friends be as simple as, "Hi, I'm Me. Would you like to be my friend?"

It has been difficult for me to forge the same kind of close friendships here. Partly because I can't seem to trust people, partly because we don't have the time or inclination to build enough history together that will sustain a lifetime of friendship. And also because in my head, I keep looking for the same kind of friends I had in India, knowing-well that it is impossible.

Reading those diaries put me in an uncomfprtable place and I had to shut them. I piled them in the back-row section and hid them behind my books about Wines, roman history and advertising. My past, did not belong to my present.

I miss having a friend. Life is different here. It's not better or worse. Most of my growing up happened here in Philadelphia. Even though I lived in Bombay for 18 years, sometimes I just draw a blank. My memory of those 18 years, feels like old photographs watered down with rust and rain. Hazy, unreal. But my memory of the last 5 years here is vivid. Painful and proud.

I remember visiting Goa before I left for America. I sneaked out alone to the sea late at night. I wanted to stand infront of the pitch dark sea and feel insignificant. I wanted it to frighten me. And it did. In the inky darkness, as I stumbled back to my room, running away from the roaring sea-- I felt as docile and defenseless as a lamb. I knew a strong wave could sweep me away and that would be the end of my dreams, promises and questions.
And somehow, knowing that put me to sleep that night. A silent, dreamless sleep that I craved.

I'm glad I still know that.

Just whizzed by me.

2006-07-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the monotony of life grips you so tightly that to break away from it's wooziness, would be akin to a victorous sense of freedom. Only if you can break free of it.

My presentation with the CEO of this bank went so well that he emailed me 5 hours later offering me a job. I had hoped for it but hadn't anticipated it.
The CEO didn't know I was only 23, he started laughing when he found out. After hearing my presentation he said, 'I've read that there are three kinds of people in business. The rule makers, the rule followers and the rule breakers." He continued, I think you are a rule-breaker." I blushed. It was a compliment!

Later this weekend, I got a call and I was told ," Enjoy this weekend if you can. relax if you can, because on monday your life is going to change."

***

I'm ready. I'm finally ready to get rid of my inertia. This week I may be signing a lease to my own 1-bedroom apartment in the city. I will also begin car-shopping. I also made a personal oath to take my finances and debt under control. From being the 23 year old bumbling ambitious achiever, I've gone to being the 23 year old who's about the change the banking industry. If I fail, it will be a spectacular failure. If I win, it will be a spectacular win. But. I'm ready.

the story of an idiot and a thief

2006-07-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

FUCK!

That bitch.

I'm fuming right now as I type this. That bitch I wrote about who stole my idea, got her idea featured in press today. I want to tear her hair out and I don't know --- just pack her up and send her off to Timbukto or someplace for a few years.
I kicked myself on my head AGAIN. They've snagged a major seller with that idea and if nothing worked for them before this -- this certainly shall, atleast to push their fuking site into some major popularity contest.

Dude, I don't know what to say or do. This is cut-throat business. I keep telling myself that I can't be nice. I need advice though -- I am going to meet her at an event next week and should I tell her how she stole my idea or should I pretend nothing happened?

I am being so petty by bitching about her here. But I can't tell you how deeply she's gottn under my nerve. Her's is the only blog I check a few times a day. and that too out of spite and jealousy. kinda to make sure she hasn't become the next anna wintour or the next whofukinever. It would be silly to allign my standards against her, but this one is just one fat, bumbling wannabe who is just as aggressive and ambitiious as I am. I take that personally. Two people cannot occupy a single pedastal. And although we are in no way working in a similar industry , it is a personal mission of mine to far surpass her.

IEnough of venting. out to set the record straight now.

It's times like these

2006-07-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

that I cringe at the thought of my parents living alone.

R woke me up early with news that tehre were bomb blasts in bombay. this isn't an alien word- we grew up with bomb blasts as a normal everyday occurence in bombay. only, we belonged to the sector that remained untouched by the fairness of such events. "it cannot happen to us," was what I believed growing up.
But being a million miles or 24 hours away from family and your memories, can make you vulnerable and teach you that you really are not invincible. indestructible.

you are, as is your family, as are your friends- liable to death at the hands of strangers, just as anyone else is.

My immediate circle of family is safe. And I pray to God that my friends are safe too. But what about the ones who aren't?

Know what worries me most about death and murders? It's not the ones who die that suffer. It's the ones they leave behind. My closest school friend's Dad was killed in a train accident. His body was cut into 4 pieces and it lay there soaking the concrete with blood and vestiges of life. It was 5 years ago and the wounds are still raw for my friend and her family.

I don't know death. I wrote about my grandmothers death here. It was one year to her death anniversary and I didn't even remember it. It didn't matter to me. I don't know if she is still alive in my head or whether this is something my mind rejects thinking about. But her death was peaceful, we knew it was coming and we knew that it came with the promise that she lived a wholesome life and was ready to pass on.

BUT- what about the wife who had dinner ready for her husband who never returned today ? What about the child who anxiously was waiting for his mum to get back from work so he could show her his homework? What about them? About the people who didn't know death was coming for their beloveds. No absolutions, no last chances to make up after a fight, no last chance to feed the one who died his favorite kheer.

***

GodSpeed Bombay, Godspeed.
I pray for you.

Play tag

2006-07-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

6 Weird/Signature things about me:
- I don't like chocolates, cereals or peanut butter
- Can survive on fruit smoothies.
- I am incredibly quick with work and other stuff. What takes others 5 hours, takes me 2.
- Oblivious to the obvious
- People piss me off only when they infringe my pesonal territory: tangible, intangible or someone I love.
- Fall asleep in anything that moves: cars, planes, trains, buses. But can stay up all night working.
- Laughter is a word my friends associate with me.
- Cannot take romantic movies anymore.

I don't know anything else that can be classfied weird about me.
Do you think that when you say something too often, it comes true? Its like you want it to happen but aren't sure it will happen so you keep releasing that thought in the universe and everything works for you and your thought becomes a reality.
In a psych class once my teacher taught me to draw a heart and write I AM in it. And around it write things that I aspire, that I want and my ambitions. She said, writing them makes them tangible and sets it down. In my experience, it has always worked. I remember Coehlo makes the same point in the Alchemist.

Ambitions can be dangerous. A couple months ago I met with two bloggers who were working on a new business plan/ community idea. They wanted me on-board but I didn't get good vibes from one of the bloggers. A girl, my aged, who had earned a dcent amount of press for blogging live at an event.
But in naivette and the excitement, I agreed to be a part of their endeavor (pulled out a few weeks later) but I also shared my plans of an idea I was working on. It was just a healthy discussion.. bouncing ideas.. telling them why I thought my idea would work and would be super..

What happens last week? Those buggers stole my idea and incorporated it on their website/ business venture! I was enraged, but you know-- what can I really hold them responsible for? That girl-- is just a smart business women. I can rant on about ethics and integrity, but dude-- if you want to survive as an entrepreneur, you've gotta be looking out for for your best interest. I'm just stupid to have revealed my ideas and stupider for not having worked on them befroe these nutcases. Oh well. I did feel a sting of jealousy and repent. I was annoyed at the guts this girl had to steal my idea and make it her own. Right down to the tee. But what to do now? Just be careful in the future and eliminate her from the competition. And its not like that was the last idea I'll ever have. :S

As I learn the ropes of working for myself, I realize the finer nuances of being your own boss. It is a fine line. When there's a choice between furthering your business and sticking to integrity - what would you pick?
I think this is going to be the most difficult question to answer as I move further with my dreams. Hopefully, the answers will come gracefully.

Ok. thats it. More business lessons as I learn them.

vacations and such other

2006-07-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

My birthday was fantastic. My sister gifted me a makeover at a super slinky salon. It took the salon lady 2 hours to color my hair, and I nearly fell asleep on the chair as she worked on my hair. I wanted maroonish/ mahoganyish highlights but my hair artist convinced me that I need copper with a very slight tinge of gold would suit my skintone better. And lo behold -- I become one of those desi wannabe's I've despised with brown skin and fake/ blondelike hair. I was upset. but what the fcuk -- cant do anything now.
My dad and my sis loved it. And R is so sly, even when I was 30 pouds heavier than now, even when I have a shittyass color on my hair -- he never said anything negative! He said, He liked it but he wouldn't want it forever. Weird.
But now that the color is waning, it looks better. Its not a shiny mop of gold spun on my crown anymore.. looks more natural now and I think it will look really good once it starts fading in a week or so.

My birthday dinner was fun as well. I bought a perfect dress and I deliberately bought a navy blue dress so that R's pendant would go with it :P
I looked very purty!

My parents left on Saturday and its terribly lonely without them but thank god for excessive work. My mind doesn't ruminate much. Once my job situation is a little more stable, my mum and dad plan on coming here for a few years. I'd like them to too.

For the long weekend, the four of us, me, R, my sister and A (ber boyfriend) took a trip down to DC. It was SO much fun! I think after all that drama with our parents, btoh our bfs kinda needed some time off. We stayed at the Hiltons for dirt-cheap rates (thanks to hotels.com!) and rented a car. Georgetown was amazing -- my sis and I spent 4 hours shopping that pissed off our bfs and they left us and walked away! We had to treat them to dinner to get their moods back in shape. My sis and I found beautiful beautiful shell pink satin bedsheets at a store in Georgetown. Ofcourse we bought them.

The highlight of our trip was walking up and down the Exorcist steps. (remember where the priest is thrown off from?-- yes, those stairs are in georgetown) It was so spooky! A wanted something to happen--but thank fukin god nothing happened. I am a sissy when it comes to ghosts and the inexplicable.

Our last day we drove to baltimore and paid $25 to see disgusting multi-colored frogs and beautiful dolphins at the aquarium there. I was a little too harsh-- no, it was actually fun and worth the money. We reached Philly on time but were stuck for 2 hours, only 2 blocks away from our building becoz of the july 4 celebrations. it was soo annoying-- i had had a little sake and 3 pills, so I was completely delerious. we just laughed and got pissed off at the drivers infront of us.

it was a fun, fun time.
and its back to work now. back to tripping between NY and Philly.
R has had a stroke of bad luck at work. last year his H1 visa didnt go thru coz the quota was filled. Teh same shit happened this year. He is a little stressed abt his situation, but he spends little time in wallowing and feeling bad about stuff he can't help. He already has a plan b in order.
at times like these, i feel bad.. almost a little guilty becoz i have a greencard and have to worry about nothing. he can't do what he really wants to do becoz of the fukin visa situation. yes, i could marry him in a jiffy and everything would be fine but he has a point. he said, we are both still trying to figure out our lives and ambitions and if we throw marriage in that mix-- it may not last.
its sad but it is true. I admire him for being so practical even in the distress. i love him so much. i'm positive it will work out for him. for the best.

my big presentation is next week. i am confident, but the i keep feeling i shouldve done more. i guess thats normal?
hopefully!
orkutting is so addictive. damn. i met so many people i had lost touch with. scary! i need to get off it now.

Pre-bday update

2006-06-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

Seriously R underestimates me.

I've been bugging him about my bday gift since morning. In the past, I've been known to sneak into his email account and search for the tell-tale email from Amazon or overstock or whatever website that detailed my valentines day gift or any other gift. I'm worse than this -- even when I buy him a gift that's meant to surprise him, I can't hold off the excitement and blurt it out to him before the "surprise" moment. In the last 2.5 yrs, i have been successful at surprising him maybe once. When I agreed to date him. And he's probably surprised me never coz everytime he tried to, I'd sneak into his email accnt or drop heavy hints about what I wanted. Devilish.

This time he has been very cautious as have I. I didn't particularly wanted to ruin my bday surprise for myself and yet, curiosity killed teh cat.

Finally R sent me an email sending me an anagram about my gift. The anagram was A HANDPRINT PEEPS and his message was if I figured out the anagram, I figured out the gift. DUH. It took me less than 10 minutes to figure it out. And I got all excited and jumpy and gidddy happy when I figured it out. So I called R and he couldn't believe it that I had figured it out.

DUde-common. How could you send a super-intelligent, future billionnaire an anagram thinking she'll never crack it! heh.

We laughed and I bugged him more to send me a picture of the gift. For that-- he absolutely resisted.

So I hang up the phone abd get back to work- dreaming about my gift and my phone buzzes. A text message from R.
hmm. I wonder what. I view it and it says,
"Hey guys- the venue of CITYLIGHTS "surprise" party has changed and we'll be going to Amici something at 8.30pm tomorrow. See you."

I blinked and read the message again.

I called up R and said to him, Dude- we both suck at surprising each other.
And he went, huh?

I said, "You idiot. You mass texted the surprise party msg to me."

And then we both burst out laughing. We lauhged so hard it was fukin crazy. He emailed me saying, maybe one of these bdays I'll end up surprising you.
And I wrote back, you silly silly boy, I love you even more. heheh

I will get my gift tomorrow, or if I'm lucky, tonight at midnight.

Btw, if you haven't cracked the anagram yet it is a sapphire pendant.
:D

Turning 23

2006-06-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

I turn 23 tomorrow! yay.
I'm not worried about growing older, what worries me is not accomplishing enough as I grow older.

I've got a new project in NY and I'll have to go there a couple times a week. I need to find an apartment soon now. I think once I find out how the July 14 presentation goes, I'll have a clearer idea of moving forward with my apartment plans. This time, I want to hitch in for a long time. ANd long time means atleast a year. More would be a plus.

I have another meeting for a new project and I want to nail it. I have to GET that contract. R and me had another argument about the whole getting a full-time job thingy. I misunderstood him. I have a bad habit, I talk without thinking things through. I vocalize stuff that' flits across my mind and I don't vocalize stuff that needs to be said out loud. I gushed over how I'd love to move back to Philly, get a full-time job, get an apt. etc.. when the whole NY job fizzled out and another project kicked in in Philly. And once another NY project worked out, I vacilitated again. It upset R...becuase I bought his hopes up everytime I spoke about moving back to Philly. I didn't even realize how I take him for granted sometimes.

But YAY- I turn 23 tomorrow. It's my birthday! I don't have many updates. OH- I got most of my stuff back from my old hard-drive and finally afforded a new one. It was a steep $300 but you gotta do what you gotta do. Can't buy a new computer yet, but inshallah, god willing- I should be able to buy a new comp. soon.

And tomorrow is also Sam's bday. My darling Candian hermit. But if I know him well, he will avoid all phone calls and such tomorrow.

I don't have many insights/resolutions and lessons learnt about turning 23. I'm content. Life and things can always be better - - but they are getting better. Maybe by next year, I will have moved far ahead career-wise. Touchwood!

2006-06-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

Today my Dad told me that I am a failure because I haven't had a single steady job since I graduated last year.
Ouch.

If I am a failure in his eyes, Have I been lying to myself? He told me a couple years from now I will see wisdom in his words and regret the mistake I am making right now.

It hurt.

Why do I refuse to believe him. And why for the first time in my life, I DO not want to make any amends with him or my mum.

Mental splats and another move

2006-06-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

My ex-boss, the devil who rolled her eyes, actually threatened me subtly that she may pursue legal action against me. For what? I have no idea. But I am aware of how her brain works. And I know that her threat is her attempt to soothe her bruised ego. She sends me a legal notice and I will make her imaginary empire crumble. I will go the IIPM way and expose her shell company. Yea BabEy- thank god for a blog, thank god for gawker.com and thank god for people's faith in other people.
Its so weird, ever since I quit the job I have had atleast 2 people tell me how they always knew she was bad news.

I suck though. I should close this chapter and put it behind me, but its like I'm still trying to redeem myself. Of what? I don't know. My parents are ashamed of telling my relatives about the 'developement.' They want me to find a new job soon so they can craft a cool story about how I got a better job and hence quit the first one. I feel their pain, trust me I do. But why don't they get it? A full-time job isn't a means to my end. They just got back from Boston- visiting relatives-- and we had the same argument again. Why aren't you looking for a full time job ? Why haven't you gotten your computer repaired? Why havent you given your drivers exam? Is R telling you that you shouldn't look for a fulltime job?

That the best, no ? When parents can't reason with their kids- they immediately pounce on her friends and in this case, her disliked-for-not-being-a-gujju and unaccepted boyfriend. And the funny thing is-- while R knows I am smart and very capable of fending for myself, he gives me the same advice as my parents. get a fulltime job. He means well, as so my parents. But it pisses me off that my mum thinks R has anything to do with my decisions about employment.

Yeh- there. I said it, I am a gujju. Not that I give a damn, but my parents do. Get this- according to my mum, I should be blessing my stars for being born a jain gujju. Apparently, only very lucky people are born into jain families.
ever heard a more amusing theory? I am not making a mockery out of my religion here. I don't believe in the supremacy of any religions and it irks me more when my mum launches her tirade of why I should marry a jain.

And esp now that they are back from Boston-- they are so effected by her brothers kids. One of them works at a prestigious bank in NYC prolly making $100k or more. and the other one just got accepted to the Harvard Business School after working it up at IBM for 2 yrs.

Not that they are comparing- they never do. Their point is simple- I should get a fulltime regular 9 to 5 job with the promise of permancy and insurance. But I have an entrepreneurial streak. I don't want to submerge myself or go brain-dead doing entry-level work when I know in my head I am capable of so much more. I am not discounting the value of experience here-- all I'm saying is, I want to try it my way and if it fails, I'll go the 9 to 5 way.

I told my friends abt the job. I mean, they were aksing me/ so hows your job. And I just couldn't bring myself to lie to them. Yes so if any of them think I'm a loser for being so happy about it in the begining so be it. Atleast I'm not ashamed of quitting it.

I do have a project I'm working on for a month. So its not like Im totally jobless. And yea- I've moved back to Philly for a month or so. The project I'm working on right now is based in Philly and it just made sense. Besides, I don't really have the $700 for rent in NY right now. Im more concerned with keeping myself alive for the next few months.

You know, one thing tht rankles me constantly? I know it in my heart, in my gut and in my soul that I'm going to be successful. That I will be sought after and that I will make as much and more than what the fancy cousin of mine is making right now. Yet, sometimes I question myself thinking-- am I really that smart? Will I really be able to make it? Or am I just fooling myself.. am I just making myself believe this because I don't want to go the 9to5 way?
Self-doubt is my biggest and worst enemy.

It never ceases to amaze me how constantly life changes and how its not what you expect it to be at all. Last month I had a job and now I dont. Will I have a job this time next month ? No fuking clue. But I'll be a year older this time next month. I'll turn 23.

R hasn't been with me any of my bdays. We've been tog for 2 yrs. One June he was in India and last June I was in India. That bday when he was in India-- I was alone in NY interning at a highfi fashion magazine. I didn't have any friends in NY and was living in a roach infested apt that smelt of Indian curry in jersey city and my bday was on a monday. So I couldn't even go back to Philly. I was so eager and lonely that I met this random guy who had once contacted me for an apartment situation and who was working a couple bldgs away from mine and I celebrated my bday with him. Just a drink and dinner. He was a nice guy... I wanted a friend.. but then I felt so stupid and embarrased about it that I never met him again.
I mean, what kind of a despo wants to find a friend to celebrate her bday with? But thankfully-- my sister showed up at my stinky apt to surprise me and becoz she didnt want me to be alone on my bday. I love her. Things between us have improved. Her and R dont talk-- but maybe that will change.

On a happier note, I met an old roomate of mine yesterday. Bumped into her at the bookstore. She's engaged now! And will be marrying her partner this Oct. Her mums finally accepting that her daughter just doesn't play for the guys team.

***
I simply refuse to think of any further than a month right now. I did that once and we all know how that ended. I was already planning a move to Soho and shit like that. It's terrible to watch those dreams crumble. But renewed faith and a little bit of wisdom goes a long way. So I'll have to wait a little while longer to finally get my own apartment and call it home but I bet, when that does happen, it will be very sweet. I've moved 12 times in the last 5 years.
Just a little while longer now. I hope!

And dearest SwB, Grey Shades, Dobreneir and Karishma-- I love you guys. Thank you for reading, thank you for your words. Just thanks for being there. mwaaaah.

Open doors, starving relationships and empty bank balance

2006-05-31T22:34:00.000-07:00

I don't blog about work. I don't bitch about my boss but ever since *this* happened, I feel like I need to justify and retell the story again and again of how unprofessional and ridiculous my boss was.

I have gracefully and with dignity quit the job I touted much about. Am I a laughing stock now? Maybe. I was naive enough to believe that things may never go wrong with my job. But do I regret having quit the job? Not one bit. I've been feeling much happier and light-hearted ever since I quit the job.

What kind of a boss threatens to fire her employee every time the employee asks her a question? Esp. if the employee is new and has no other superior to go to? What kind of a boss expects her employee to clairvoyantly know that boss's sister was going to be in NJ instead of Virginia? What kind of a boss asks an employee who has called in sick in the morning, "why didn't you tell me last night?" What kind of a boss expects an employee to KNOW she is going to fall sick!?

What kind of a boss lies to her clients about the number of employees working at her firm? What kind of a boss makes up research surveys and data for her clients instead of actually conducting it? What kind of a boss claims to have a strong network of informers when they NEVER inform or respond? What kind of a boss rolls her eyes and pretends to be a celebrity? What kind of a boss accuses her newly hired employee of lying about her experiences WHEN the boss herself interviwed her and had the employees resume infront of her while interviewing her?! What kind of a boss keeps bringing up how much she is paying you AGAIN and AGAIN to remind you about the work you are doing for her? What kind of a boss gives good tips to waitress's but is always mean to her driver? I'm sorry -- No matter how much money anyone makes, to have someone open your fucking door for you is just not worth my respect.

What kind of a boss tells the new employee that *other* employees have complained that the new employee has not directed them well WHEN the *other* employee infact really liked the new employee? What kind of a boss bitches about other employees infront of her employee?! And what kind of a boss expects the employee to join in the bitch fest!

My boss, the CEO of her compay did all that and more. And frankly, I'm through with that bullshit. Her company may make millions but it lacks substance and true integrity of any sorts. I read this somewhere today, great people discuss ideas, average people discuss events and cheap people discuss other people. Since I don't need to prove it to anyone that I'm great - I want to indulge in the cheapness and discuss my boss. The devil, who rolled her eyes. (WHO FUCKING DOES THAT !)

I've not even begun to climb the rungs of my career and I've already learnt a huge lesson. To quit a job in 3 months is saying a lot: both in positive and negative overtones. But I am not about to slave my life under someone who thinks she owns me and my time. I only have one word for my boss: an A Class bitch. I feel sorry for whoever has to work for her next. And on yeah, I feel good getting it all down here right now.

It's not like I haven't paid my dues -- I have slaved at $6/hour internships, unpaid internships, waiting tables, editing boring papers about Greek philosophy. I've done it all. So no, I didn't quit this job because my ego was fractured or because I let pride step in. Or because I had too much work. I was working 40 hours a week and being paid for 20 hours a week- that's how much I gave in for this job. And when I bring this to my boss's notice, I get a prompt response: We didn't ask you to do that. So either ways, I was screwed.

I don't belong to the generation that believe jobs are hard to come by. I already have a couple interviews lined up. And if nothing works out, I'll start my own thing. So I'll be broke for a few more months. But I've been through worse.

I am proud of my decision. But today when I checked my bank account, my heart dropped. I barely have enough money to live through two months. And I am so deep in debt that I cannot afford to borrow any more money from generous hearted boyfriend or use my credit-cards. It doesnt break me, but when I think how nice it would be to have money and not worry about it, my stomach somersaults and head whizzes. I've not slept on a proper bed for over a year now. Earlier because I was a broke student using used mattresses. And after that-- because I never had my own apartment or a room. I've taken to sleeping on the floor of my bedroom with a comforter beneath me because the pullout bed that my roommate provided was begining to hurt my back.

For some reason, sleeping on the bare floor makes me feel incredibly humble, little and sad. My boyfriend sometimes think I wallow in self-pity. But he doesn't know that it's hard to stay strong always. That is difficult to always have faith in yourself even when people around you have faith in you. That sometimes, you just have to let the situation hit you in your stomach so you truly realize what you are going through.

I am strong. but maybe my strength lies in not being afraid to admit that I'm scared. That I'm concerned. I know deep down my family, friends and boyfriend will not let me go to bed hungry or sleep on the bare floor. But I want to be the one who takes care of that for myself. And that hurts.

My friends who know are being very supportive. They tell me that they saw red flags going up ever since I started my job. I'm afraid to tell friends who don't know yet because I don't want to lose face and because I'm worried they won't understand. My parents think I should tell everyone after I get another job. And I think, that would make me no different from my boss.

Tomorrow is a new day though. Atleast I am gauranteed of one thing: I will not wake up wishing I hadn't quit the job. I may wake up wishing I had a job or some work to do, but I will never think of the job I quit. Atleast not wishfully. The job wasn't the problem anyways - the people and the company was. And believe it or not, it makes all the difference.

I may be going back to Philly tomorrow. Just to spend time with bf. I've neglected this relationship for too long. I met a friend today for dinner who's relationship died because of distance and them not being able to find time for each other. R always has time for me. Always did, but I never did. I always was the person who said, I'll call back and I never did.
And then yesterday, for the very first time R forgot to call me after he got home from work. When I called him, he apologized. He had genuinely forgotten to call me. He said, "I'm so used to not talking to you that I didn't miss it."

That's a bad bad bad sign.
And it needs to change. It needs to go back to me being excited to talk to him again... to me wanting to share everything with him.. to me finding everything he says interesting...
I just don't know where I lost the girl who I used to be. I thought we could work out the distance, that it wouldn't be a problem. But it is. It is. And if its not worked on now, it will be too late to be worked upon later.

Tomorrow, though, is a new day.

-

2006-05-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

My mind is a whilrpool of confusion emotions right now. I feel stoic. Deathly quite. It's like there are two forms of me: a ravaging, angry, hurt mind lookin for answers and a quiet, numb, desentisized mind waiting for nothing in particular. The last few days have been difficult. Everything blew apart and fell on my face. I was wondering why everything was working out without a hiccup in my life. Little did I know, a storm was in the brewing all the time.

So what happened? My sister hates R. And she told my parents. And she told them everything that is skewed from her point of view. And I have respected the fact that she does not get along with R, but it hurt too much to hear her says he hates him. To watch her put all the gifts he gave her ina bag and ask me to return to him. I stood there helpless, wanting her to understand what a big misunderstanding it is. All that glares at me and my parents out of this is that R is rude, insults everyone and has an anger problem. It is not true, it is not true and I am not saying this because I am blinded by my love for him. He did hurt my sister, but not enough to warrant this hatred. Never. Never ever.

I do not want to take sides, and yet... that's precisely what I'm being asked to do.
There is so much at stake here. And I told them about her bf and it just spiralled downwards from there. Accusations, past hurts, understandings, misunderstandings, mind blocks, pre-concieved schemas.... you never would know how everything merges together and creates a life-altering event that leaves you with two choices: you pick love and you lose family. you pick family and you lose love.
I realized, sadly, it is too late now to merge family and love.

I work, I work all the time to bring myself away from the feelings that contrict my heart and block my throat. On the verge of spilling it all out. I love my sister.. but I am allowed now to only love her from afar. She does not trust me, she hates me and it is not going to change. How do people patch a fractured relationship?
How do you heal hurting hearts? She is as much in pain as I am. She is hurting as much as I am. And I can't see that either. ...

Thoughts that have never crossed my minds flit across it .... ideas that should never belong in my head, should never enter it....

Is this something time will solve on its own? Is this something that will repair itself with time?

Old old love

2006-04-24T13:58:00.001-07:00

After a very long time (3 weeks?) R and me spent a lovely weekend together. I took him to my new boss's bday party at Tangerine in Old City. R loves that place, we even celebrated his bday there once. Its a pity I can hardly eat anything there. I'm a vegeterian and let's just say he appreciates food. any kind of good food. My boss and her friends LOVED him. Why does it make me so happy when people tell me how great he is? I feel so smug. Its like, the whole world could praise him and admire him and want him as much as they do - but he's still only mine.

Lord and Taylor's is going out of business and they have a massive sale. We went shopping there on Saturday but I could hardly find anything. I tried on a couple dresses, but either I couldn't afford them or they didn't fit me right. Sunday was such a beautiful day though. A little windy, but a powder blue dulcet sky, the kinds that make you want to go on a hot-air balloon trip and mingle with the clouds. We ate lunch at this quaint little French restaurant. I had a delicious tomoto, feta cheese and basil crepe. R ordered a weird kinda juice that the server said it was made of the hibiscus flower. It was called the sorell juice. I asked if I could have the recipie, and the server said it was the owners secret recipie! Anyways, after lunch we drove to R's uncle's place to meet his 3 yr old nephew who was visiting from Cleaveland. I did have fun -- but oh god, I can never do suburbs! I'd die if I ever lived in the suburbs. So standard? I was talking to R about this - the thing is, every city no matter what part of USA it is in, has a distinct identity...an essence. but the suburbs? they are bloody same all over! You wouldn't know if you were in Bellingham, MA or Doylestown, PA if you didn't pay attention to the signs.
A local Eckards, a Shoprite or Pathmark or one of those grocery stores, a local mall, a taco bell where high school kids hang out and a movie theater where everybody goes on dates. UGH.

I could NEVER live in the suburbs. I am a city-girl, heart and soul.

And then we got back and went to the local neighbourhood bar for good ol' burgers and beer. (Beer for the boys) They have a poker night every Tuesdays and a quiz night every Sunday. We made it to round two. Btw, our team name was Desis' on the Rocks. :) ;)

heh

Family time

2006-04-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful week it has been! My parents are visiting and I love being with them. I've been in Philly the entire week. I'm still not over this city :( As much as I love ny and what it has done for my career, I miss Philly terribly. Maybe because remnants of my life are still here -- my friends, my sister and my R. I go back to NY next week for the next couple of weeks of hard core work.

I quit my work at the major fashion magazine I was at - and I quit it on the day of the beauty sale :( Probably my last-est beauty sale ever. Fashion magazines like the ones I used to work for, have these events a couple times a year and they sell all kinds of cosmetics and beauty products imaginable and un-imaginable for $1 each. But I had to quit. Sigh. The thing is, when you know how ridiculously worthless all this frivolity is, you simply cannot justify paying $10 for a tube of cream or $50 for a bottle of fragrance! It is going to be painful the next time I buy perfume or nail polish. I haven't paid for any self-beautifying products in 2 years. Oh well.

And the good news still is, I *may* be writing for America's number one beauty magazine. It's national, its super glossy and its super rich and its a conde nast mag. I'm very happy with my new job, but I do want to have an external life out of my job that involves writing and building my identity apart from that of my new job's.

But anyways, it is SOOO wonderful to have my parents here. I will not make any bones about the fact that I am different than my most friends. I LOVE it when my parents visit, I love staying with them. And now that I have some financial freedom, I'm enjoying taking them out to the best restaurants in Philly. Yesterday I took my Mom shopping and no matter how much I insisted, she would not shop at anywhere expensive. She still wanted to buy shoes from Payless and clothes from Burlington Clothes Factory. :) I love her.

So last night, after shopping I took them to Pad Thai and R joined us. It was sooo wonderful... they were talking about Kerala, trying to to understand his hertiage and just.. general talk. R is making such an effort and I think he had spoken to the waitress before coz she bought the bill straight to him and when I offered to pay.. when my dad offered to pay...the waitress wouldn't let us!

My parents were impressed with his gesture. As was I. :)

I think my mom is almost okay too... I hope so atleast! I'm coming to India this december and almost al my friends are. Three of my friends are gettng married and R won't be able to make it coz of his H1 visa status :( I will miss him so much.
Maybe next year......

yay

2006-04-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

I accepted the offer :D

It is surreal how much money I'll be making and please my readers don't think I am arrogant. Infact, I am in shock. It is quite something to suddenly go from being a church mouse to making a whole lot more money that you expected. But I am probably very good at what I've been hired to do- why else would a company invest so much in me? I don't even havea business degree!

Out of disbelief and ecstasy, I told my friends and close family about it and while I do have my share of friends who are extremely happy for me, I was surprised to see a few friends pissed off and jealous. It sucks that I even have to say it.. but that's lesson number one I learn.

Yes, so I will be making more money than some of my friends who have MBA's and are older than me by a couple years, but I deserve it. I am not guilty about my new job, my new position, my perks or the salary. Infact, the salary was the last thing that lured me on to this job. I understand however, how such news may upset someone. I have myself been upset and a wee bit jealous when my friends started getting jobs and making money and when I was still a poor broke jobless graduate. But I wasn't jealous about the money they were making, I was jealous that they had a job and I was still struggling. And ofcourse I was jealous that their wardrobes were overlflowing with clothes and my wardrobe was meagre. But every bitch has her day and now's mine.

I was even surprised by some of *family*'s reaction. Particularly a certain cousin. I don't know. whatever. Eff it all. I have learnt my lesson : choose very carefully who you want to share your happiness with. VERY carefully. It's easier to find people to share your sorrows and pain than it is to find someone to share your happiness with.

My parents are here for a few months now. YAYAYAYAYA. My mom cooked such amazing food. I had pani puri and sev puri the other day .. and all my friends came over and we just had a very good time. It was soo much fun!! R is also being soo nice to my parents... he even offered to drive them up to NJ coz they wanted to spend soem time with my niece before she left for India.

The best part about having my parents over is that I dont have to worry about not showng them a good time. It used to piss me and my sister off that we never could afford to take our parents out to the nice little restaurants in philly. or to a broadway show or to a jagjit singh show... but now, that won't be a problem. the best thing about earning money, is spending it on people you care for the most. and spending it on my parents, esp, is so gratifying, considering all that they've doen for me. I can't tell you how happy they are., how ridiculously happy. they aren't worried about my sister's education anymore either...

oh oh oh.. and did i tell you, i get to go to switzerland and finland and god knows where else bcoz of my new job :DD:D:DDD:

this has been a long time in the coming. and i totally deserve this. i don't care who's jealous, who's pissed off and who'ss hoping i get fired. this one's a keeper.

on another note, I've been a bitch to R. I've not been able to give him enough time and even though I do have tons of work, I really shouldn't be using my job as an excuse. I need to focus more on my relationship. One of my fav. cousins called me from India-- she knows about me and R and I told her that Dad was asking all sorts of questions about him (abt his family , his future plans... etc) and that I was both scared and happy.

scard coz this is finally becoming more real that it was and happy coz it is finally becoming more real that it was.

do i make sense?

the thing is.. it's always scary to realize that you will be spending your entire life with this one person that you have chosen. sometimes that thought repels me and sometimes it fills me with giddy happiness. but one step at a time so i don freak myself out.

the weather's getting better too... spring an sunshine is finally here!

I need to be pinched!

2006-03-27T09:34:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG OMG/ The company I interviewed with for an intern position wants to hire me FULL-FREAKING TIME as a SENIOR ACCOUNT executive. OMG OMG OMG.

This has to be some sort of dream. The question I was afraid to answer until yesterday demands an answer right now. This is surreal. This morning I was just bemoaning how I was going to make ends meet with my meagre freelancer's pay, especially with the new apartment costs and subsequent costs. And here in my email box is the offer.
I will vacillate, I will ponder, I will ask for umpteen opinions but deep down I know I have already accepted the position. I wonder if I should feel like I sold my soul- but no. I haven't accepted this position for the money, heck, I don't even know how much they are offering me right now. But I DO know, even though I may not get to write/write, I am going to enjoy this job very much.

I have to be pretty darned good if they are jumping me over two positions and hiring me as a senior ex, when I interviewed for only an internship. My dad's advice, take it, writing is something you can always get back to. He is right. Besides, I started my other blog as an outlet to write and it can continue to be that. This job is just so exciting-- I will be working on re-branding and image strategy for retail companies that aren't making enough profits. It involves traveling (yoohoo!) research (yay!) definitely writing and giving presentations, to convince the client that I WILL indeed help them generate more business.

Whatever said and done, the relief of knowing that I will have a steady paycheck coming in every two weeks and that I will have a fixed office space for atleast more than a year, is uncompared to anything else. I don't want to count my chickens befor they hatch but what the hell, I'm allowed to feel a little good about myself and this unexpected but pleasant turn!!

I will continue my writing gigs with a couple mags but I will cut down on all the "free-work" I do.

AHhhh. that was the longest exhale of my life!!

Forked roads, young lives and a true gentleman

2006-03-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

Turns out, the job lead I had was false :P The guy I applied to - -quit the next day! And the company is a dud. Oh well. I had my hopes high... but thats okay now. Today I had an excellent interview with a brand management/marketing firm. And they made me an excellent offer. We haven't discussed money, you should know me better by now that although I love money, (who doesn't) , I don't think money. The offer basically outlines very satisfying work, tons of reseach, writing and going out there and getting business. The job description was incredibly exciting but....
what about being a writer? a journalist? a reporter?

People of my generation aren't happy with just one career. Everyone's juggling multiple interests and passions. While writing will always remain number one on my list, marketing/product developement is something I realize,I am innately good at. The question remains -- should I leverage this talent to my advantage or should I opt out and continue digging writing opportunities.

R suggested- why not both? Why give up one for other? The thing is, marketing/PR and journalism are two ends of a spectrum and having a foot in both wouldn't lend me much credibility. But if I manage to carefully siphon out the two interests and pluck out my exact involvement in both so that none represents a conflict of interests, it may just work.

The amazing thing is, if I decide to join this company full-time, I don't even need to go to their office everyday. They are big on working virtually and I could be situated anywhere in the world and still be working for them. I don't think I will ever move back to Philadelphia though- once you big goodbye to a place to move on, there is no point in going back. But the option would still grant me flexibility that may come in handy anytime!

Y'know, sometimes it feels like when God closes one door, he opens another. I did feel a little guilty about feeling happy for this job offer-- I asked myself, what about my dream.. waht will happen to it, but the truth is, as we grow, so do our dreams. Right now what would be utterly wrong for me is to close the door on any opportunity that presents itself in hopes of savinng my years, struggle and dreams for that elusive goal I set for myself when I was 16. What would be the right thing for me, is to go with the flow and say yes to every prmosing opportunity and worry about it when it's really the time to worry about it. Like when they are soo happy with me that they are offering me 70K/year and a parternship in the firm. Then, I can sit and worry about my career as a writer.

Regardless, I am very happy with this advancement in my career-- wherever it may lead me, it is just the begining.

But I've learnt something : We are only 22/23... we have so much more to experience, see and learn before we even know what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Having a rigid vision doesn't help, nor does it help to have a flaky vision of your own future. It is a delicate balance.. knowing where to draw the line and knowing where its okay to stretch the line. Today I also had a meeting with a very senior level editor who was in PR for 8 years before she entered journalism. She was in her early 30's when she started her career as a journalist-- and I'm only 22. If I don't experiment now- when will I? If I don't challenge myself now, immerse myself in everything that I think I'm capable of, when will I? Now is the time. Only now.

Oh today when I was walking back to work, waiting to cross the road at 8th ave, a man walked up to me and apologized first and then said, I just want to say you are very beautiful Utterly gorgeous.
And then he walked away.

:)

On loving and living

2006-03-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

I finally got an apartment! In Hoboken, it's a beautiful, beautiful place- remniscent of the 90's Paris. Tiny bars, curious shops and wide spaces. I love it. I have my own bedroom with an attached bathroom. It costs a fortune but it is impossible to find anything cheaper in or around NY without compromising on security, area and space. I will move in 1st of April and I'm absolutely thrilled.

I've been aggressively hunting for projects after May. No luck yet but I've had some leads. There is a job opening- just the right kind for me. I applied for the job today and I have my fingers crossed and a strategy laid out. I feel a little burned out though. Every day at work feels like a failure if I don't get atleast one more lead. But I think good times are ahead. I believe good times are ahead. Just having the apartment issue sorted has made my head clearer.

On everything else, I'm pretty confident that slowly...but surely, I'll continue getting more writing assignments. It has been such a ride. Oh! My sister and me spoke. We had a real conversation in years. And we made a pact to spend atleast half an hour alone every weekend when I return to Philly. I am so happy. It takes ttwo to tango, and she showed me where I had gone wrong. I needed to hear that.. just as much as I needed to know she loved me and wanted our relationship to work.

Touchwood.

Next on my agenda is, to breathe. I often feel like I'm trying to catch the next train... even when I am on a train. I want to feel numb in my head, numb with relaxation. Even as I write here, my manner is brisk and quick, as though I am in a time-crunch. Slowly, that too will come.

Inshallah!

Eyes only for you

2006-03-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

Following your dream can be so difficult sometime. I just met with a reporter at **** magazine. To write for that magazine would be an ultimate dream. Only, I'd have to be an intern to do that. They do not hire freelancers, nor are they hiring anyone right now. And with magazines, who knows when they'll need someone full-time. I was told that I should send in my resume regardless and that the reporter would put in a favorable word for me and have be considered for the Internship Program.

Its a catch 22. I don't know if I can afford an internship program. I don't know if I can afford to live on $6/hour for 3 months. But to deny this opportunity may be someone else's fortune. Sometimes I think, I wonder-- if I had never changed my major, if I was still stuck to b-school, I'd be making $1500 a week. I'd be rich. Unhappy, but rich.

Right now, the fact that I don't have a place of my own. That I'm stil living out of a suitcase at my cousins and out of a closet at my sister's pisses me off. And yet, I know with the way my job situation and work life is working out -- It is wise to save as much money as I can. I still don't have health insurance. Although my parents think I do. I have almost found a place but for $700/month, I am not sure I can afford it.

Sometimes, no matter how much further I go- It always feels like I'm back to square one. Sleeping on someone else's sofa, eating out of someone else's plate and using someone else's shower. Nothing is tangibly mine or something I pay for. Ofcourse, the genorisity of family can never be paid for. but this is a hapless torture I can change nothing about.

But someone once said, "I tried to walk without a dream and I fell down." May as well have been me.

Roots.

2006-03-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

My ex-professor invited me to a seminar she is organizing for young 12-18 year old women. She wants me to be on a panel to inspire these girls. I balked at the mere thought of standing on the podium, not much older than these girls, trying to inspire them. But my teacher thinks I have a story that I should share. I'm still not sure exactly what about me is so inpsiring but I feel very honored to think that my professor thinks so. And I guess even if I end up impacting the thoughts of one person out of the room, It will be worth it.

I have two interviews this week. One is in about an hour and the other is tomorrow. I need some work after May -- I hope something works out.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Just about life and money and career and my family. My Dad's brother, my kaka, needs dialysis every week or so. His health is deterioating...and is beyond anyone to do something. I think they are looking for a kidney transplant but haven't found a right match yet. I don't call my relatives often...not because I don't like them because it just never occured to me that the people I grew up with are growing older and older day after day. My Baa died last year. I hadn't seen her in 2.5 years and I had just reached Bbay after graduation. She was doing fine, she was well. But she slipped and broke her hip and never got better. In the ICU room, I was alone with her for a few minutes when my Mom went outside to fetch her sons. She wanted to talk to her sons. I held her frail hand and she squeezed it so tightly that my heart awoke and I knew she'd be alright. She had so much strength.. she held my hand so tight. I just knew she'd be fine. But she didn't. She died the next morning. I cried when I saw other people around me crying. I cried when I saw my Dad break down. When my Dad's oldest brother broke down. But I didn't feel her loss.. I didn't know she was gone. How could I know? I hadn't been around her for five years to miss her after she was gone. And sadly, much of my growing up had happened in those years.

I went to the cremetorium with the men. The women in my family questioned my decision and the men in my family asked my parents to change their mind. But my Dad stood up for me. And said I should be there if I wanted to. I followed the men when they carried her body outside the building to the ambulance. I got into the ambulance with my Dad and I remember placing my hand on her head because I didn't want her to feel the bumps on the road. Her skin was like stone. But she had a smile on her lips. A smile frozen in time. We reached the cremetorium near Pawan Hans in 10 minutes. My father asked me stand outside until he called me in. I respected his wishes and waited outside making small talk with my uncle. It was a hot day. We smelt of smoke. My neck felt sticky with grime. Then my Dad called me and I went inside. My Baa was already lost underneath the wood. They lit her. And I watched asking curious questions. To something I asked my Dad replied, the skull takes the longest to melt. And I bit back my lips to contain my tears.

Words floated around. She's not my Baa.. she's just a dead body. I remembered reading that when someone dies, immediately they lose 27 grams, the weight of their soul. I wondered if that was true. The fire smelt strange. Not disgusting.. I couldn't smell the flesh burning. But it smelt different. I sat in the pews and talked to my other Kakas. (My dad has 4 brothers) I felt like I wanted to be their pillar of strength. To lean on. I think I really went to the crematorium for my father. I wanted to be there for him. My father has always called me his son. When my parents die, I will light fire to their bodies.

The rest of my vacation passed by as though nothing had happened. Occasionally I'd remember her.. or think of calling her and then remember she's dead. Even after I came to Philly.... sometimes I'd ask mom, how's baa and we'd both get quiet. After that... I got news of several other relatives who died of old age.

Its such a hard reality to come to terms with. The mortality of my own parents looms ahead in the distant future. I will get married in some years.. life will go on as it is supposed to. But I really want my parents around me now... or I want to be around my parents. I have decided to save up $10,000 by the end of this year and clear my credit card debt and buy a house by next year. A condo, an apt ..whatever. But buy it. Make a home.

I've been living out of a suitcase.. switching apartments for so long now... I want firm roots now. I want a place thats mine. In the last5 years alone, I've had 8 places of residence. There's been no consistency , no stability and I crave for it now. I will still wander.. travel as and when I want, but I'll always know that I have a place to go back to that's mine alone.

iwhatever

2006-03-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

Families and people don't realize that in their stupid efforts to protect one another, they actually end up hurting the other. Often the hurt runs deeper than you can fathom.
My sister got diagonesed with sinus arrythmia. I looked it up, it is not serious. She may have to spend a day at the hospital. A month ago, she spoke to my cousin (the one I am staying with now) that she was feeling a shortness in breath. My cousin, a doctor, advised her to go to a hospital and get a check up done. The hospital did an ECG and the results came back sometime last week that identified sinis arrythmia told my sister that she needed to monitor it.

So my sister called me at work right now and told me this. She said she spoke to my cousin and my cousin thought that my dad and myself should know this now. I didn't freak out or say anything. I hung up.

Who gave my cousin the right to decide when my sister should tell me this news? I have been staying with my cousin for over 2 months now. She never once told me anything. Didn't even tell me that your sister feels shortness of breath, you may want to check up on her about that.

When my cousins dad was getting a by-pass surgery in India, she was here in philly. Everyone, including my parents decided to lie to her so that she wouldn't worry. Only I thought it was wrong. I called her and told her to come to India asap and that her dad might have to get a bypass. I TOLD HER BECAUSE SHE DESERVED TO KNOW, IT WAS HER FATHER.

I DESERVE TO KNOW IF MY SISTER IS NOT FEELING WELL. SHE IS MY SISTER.

I don't know how I will go home and face her tonight. I wont' be able to look into her eye. Because she lied to me. She has been lying to me since the last month. She broke my trust.

I have been crying since I put the phone down. I called up my Dad and he tried to act as if nothing happened coz he doesn't want to tell mom. He waits for this perfect time to talk about everything coz he thinks my mom can't handle some stuff. Like the fact I'm dating a mallu and am thinking about marrying him. Or like the fact that my sister's heartbeat is a little weird, but she's fine because it is very normal.

My fukin family doesn't realize that these betrayls hurt more than their stupid notion of trying to protect others. This is so fucked up. SO fucked up.

Oh yeah, today is also my 2 year anninversary with R. Here, lets toast it.

This is jsut what I needed to know, to gauge the extent of my relationship with my sister. Her fukin boyfriend prolly went with her to the hospital when she got an ECG done. But she won't tell her own sister.

I've never felt this strong dislike towards my family. I don't want to understand their fucked up reasons. All I know is, if they were in my shoes, they'd be just as hurt as I am. And maybe for a second, they deserve to be in my shoes.

There is nothing more painful than knowing you were in the dark when you thought it was light. There is nothing more painful than discovering an existing truth unknown to you.

***

Today I had a dream that R was getting ready to marry someone else and I was secretly relieved and heart-broken at the same time. And I was throwing things at people who were trying to interfere with the way I dealt with that pain.

***

We Indians give too much credit to our families. We don't have the balls to stand up to our parents and tell them you are blody wrong and accept your mistakes. I don't have those guts as well. My parents call me everyday. Every single day and are offended if I don't talk to them for a few days at a stretch. I've been dying to tell them to not call me everyday , to call me on the weekends but I don't have the fukin guts to do that.

***

I don't have the space or time for anyone in my life right now.

***
My family sucks.

february fantasies

2006-02-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

No word on the status of my laptop yet. Thanks MItesh though ... I've learnt to always keep back-ups and always update my back-ups. I am feeling a little blue. I don't like the month february, or maybe it is just my situation I'm unhappy with. The mornings are so cold and grey....and I feel like a little mouse in a big city of giants, afraid of being trampled under one of their huge feet. I'm not really afraid, but I'm lonely. It is not dificult for me to go out and make friends, but I don't know.... everytime I hear my sister talk about my friends and what they are doing, I feel tiny pangs of jealousy and regret. Maybe this feeling is magnified right now with me nto having my own place to live, my computer and good weather. But I've made a conscious decision...I won't be hung up on the life I had in Philly. I'm here in NY for god knows how long and I'm going to make the most of it and god willing, I'll meet some amazing people here and become life long friends with them like I'm with the ones in bbay and philly.
:( Its just.. patience is one virtue God hasn't gifted me with.

I feel restless. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting ahead, doing something real with my life. Instead, here I am -- stuck in a rut. I got a fat paycheck today so that makes me happy. The fact that it didn't even occur to me to go shopping or to treat myself (I wanted to treat myself to something nice coz my computer hit the sack) gives me another reason to congratulate myself. I've successfully graduated from being the impulsive citygirl to the rational citywoman. This paycheck is going straight to my savings.

I'm going to see another place tomorrow. In Newport. I LOVE that area. I've been there plenty of times before and known many people who've lived there. I simply wasn't able (still am not!) to afford anything in that area yet. But I found this apt.. the girls are renting their living room which can be privatized using partitions... and the rent is $600.

A thought eats me consistently and I wonder if I am totally off to assume or expect this :for some reason in my head, I expect my bf to get along totally well with my sister. I expect him to like her and care for her like his sister. But its too much to expect, I've realized. Cos, they have nothing in common but me. And it upsets him when my sister is rude to me (which she is) or hurts me. I guess if he asked me or forced me to get along with his brother, I would be mad or wouldn't know what to do .But you know... in movies and tv show and all they show such lies.. they show the saali and jija being so close and such great buddies... its not like that in real life at all. I dislike and have no respect for my cousins husband. and i think she knows it.... but well, what can she do? she can't yell at her husband and ask him to be nice to her sisters.... she can't and she won't. but i worry too much. i worry about being in her place if i got married to my bf... i know i will always yell at him and ask him to get alone or be nice to my sister.

the problem is my sister and him are too alike to get along. they are both hot-headed, do what they please, arrogant and have the ability to be very rude. r will be outright rude to her and my sister will insult him by not talking to him or ignoring him when they are in one of their moods. it deeply upsets me. i dont know why im thinking of this right now-- but i just spoke to my sister and she told me how our friends are taking care of her.. and it pricked me. she never once said to me that r takes care of her... or anything like that. i dont understand what went wrong actually. they both got along soo well in the begining... and it all changed once she got her own bf. after that she started treating r like... shit. maybe coz r (and me) didn't approve of her relationship? i dont know. i pray that over time ,this wil change. i should have patience, right? i wish i wish i wish. i only have faith.

if i make a movie i will show it is not true that all saalis and jijas get along. (although in my caseif i get married to r, i do hope like the movies, they get along) what sucks is-- i know that he cares for her but has too mch of a freakin ego to admit it!! and mayb that's the same for her, who knows. sigh.

i'm one troubled writer.

and now they are predicting snow for the weekend. i just want to wail loudly. i heard once that a guy helped donald trump fix his flat tire on the road to atlantic city and the next day his entire mortgage on his house was paid off. i wish i can help trump with something/ anything and wake up the next day to my own spanking new apartment in downtown manhattan and a private jet to philly that i can use anytime i want. that way i won't have to take the stinky chinatown bus again.

or, i can just wait for 10 years, get rich and get both the apartment and the jet.

Weekend woes

2006-02-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

What a lovely weekend I had. First my bag got stolen, then the friend cheated me and then-- my computer, my beloved MAC stops working. I don't care about the computer, I just want all my stuff back. Bloody bastards are demanding $500 for a data recovery. The stuff in there is priceless: photographs and documents. But $500?
Unless a miracle manifests in some way -- I know where my one weeks worth of pay is going. :(

There's bad energy around... my boss's sister got diagnosed with curable (thank god) cancer and another boss (a buddhist) says she's not feeling good about the vibrations around.

Oh and the Queens apart didn't work out either. The entire freakin street smelt of Indian food -I didn't even go inside the run-down, peeled-paint, ripped-off building. R and me drove away after spending 10 minutes infront of that building. I'd be miserable and depressed there. And then we got lost in Queens. Argh. Thank god we had a car.

Obviously, my weekend was.. splendid. Hopefully yours wasn't as fun as mine.

Betrayed.

2006-02-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

I feel like an alien in my own surroundings. My stuff has been moved out of my old room and my sister put her stuff there. I slept there last night and I woke up feeling like like I woke up in a strange place. I didn't recognize the bare ceilings.
I feel back to square one. Back to living from a suitcase, back to having my stuff all over the place. Right now, I have a bag of clothes at my office, some bags at my cousins place in NJ and the remaining stuff here in Philly. Disconnect is what I feel.

This weekend, I also realized that I have been a fool. R did something, which I know he didn't intend to, but it hurt me. I don't know if this is the long distance, or if we aren't right for each other, or whatever the reasons are, but we've are having rocky times. He thinks that he is my number two priority and I dont know...is he? I have given more importance to my family and my sister, I admit to that. The cousin I'm livig with... I don't like her husband aka my jija. We don't get along and this affected my relationship with her. We used to be very close and now...I don't want that to happen with me. I keep wishing my sister will get alone with R, but they are both very strong personalities and have their frictions. And I end up siding her because I think that if I don't-- me and her will drift apart like me and my cousin did. Why can't everyone get along with everyone and accept them for that they are and hold peace and love? But thats a stupid question.

I feel entangled in a web of emotions, in worrying about others and in expectations out of me.

This weekend is the weekend of betrayals. A friend and I had been working on the concept of putting together a magazine. We worked, went on photo shoots, talked the concept-- of course had our share of disagreements and agreements but finally put something together on the web. And then she disappeared. She moved to NY and we had decided to get in touch and start work on the magazine once she is a little settled but since December, there has been no word from her. I was worried-- first I thought she must have gone back to Tokyo for a vacation, then when it was Jan and still no reply from her, I worried if something had happened to her. Finally yesterday I called the guy who was doing the web-stuff for us and asked him if he had heard from her. Turns out she is very much in NY.
I wrote to her again. asking her whats goin on and why was she avoiding me.

She writes back and tells me that she wants to do the magazine on her own and doesn't want my input and that she'll contact me once she has done work on the magazine. She also told me that she's very busy with her new job, and new life in NYC.

I felt a kick in my stomach. I strong kick that wiped out the air out of my lungs. I felt foolish for trusting her, I felt cheated for being cheated upon. I thought we were friends first and partners then .... but I realized it always had been about business. Never about friendship. She admitted in her mail that she was being selfish but she said, "I had to."

I wrote back to her and told her how disappointed I was in her display of profesionalism and friendship. I terminated any association with the magaznie and told her to take off the pictures currently on the site becoz they were taken from my camera and I own the copyrights to them.

My life is in turmoil right now. My head swims above these emotions, trying to make sense of them, trying to pick each threat apart but they are so intertwined that I'm afraid I'll upset the whole fabric of my life if I pull one wrong thread.

If I lose R, it will be my fault. If I lose my sanity, it will also be my fault.

I found a studio in Queens for $350-- I'l be sharing it with a strange girl from Madras. That's all I know about her. And that she only speaks English. I didn't see the place, I don't know the area (but I made sure it is safe) and I don't know how big the place is. I said yes, because I want to save money right now. I want to make myself financially stable and I don't want to allow an expensive city steal that from me.

It is at times like these that I question my blind faith in people. In relationships, in friends,in so-called friends, in sisters. I do things for people out of the goodness of my heart and I really don't expect much back. But now I wonder if I really don't expect anything back. Honest to God, I am a good person with a clean soul. I have never wished ill on anyone. Is this payback time of some bad karma?

Tomorrow will be a new day. Sans the rain, sans the betrayal, sans the hopelessness in my heart. I am going to eat cupcakes today and work some more. I'll figure out my life tomorrow.

Blue

2006-01-26T20:26:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little sad right now. I don't have a place to live. Technically, this shouldn't bother me because I've been living alone and from the suitcase for so long, but it does. I feel like a wounded mongrel living on others sympathy and leftover bits. I am too poor to live in NY and I gave away my apt in Philly to my sister. This weekend, I have to go and pack all my stuff and put it in a corner so it can sit there and gather dust.
I'm living with kind cousins in Jersey until I can save enough to get myself an apartment. God knows when that will be. I wonder if its worth it- yeah I'll save money and spend time with cousins, but there's too much mental angst and violation of my self to come to terms with.
I've always been such situations-- that push me a little over the edge and demand more out of me. At college, I was the only Indian girl in J-school and I was "left-out" from the other Indians who were all huddled in business school. Even here, the career path I have chosen for myself requires me to be in NY and the life I carefully built for myself resides in Philadelphia. Please don't leave me comments saying it will get better and things will change-- I know that. I am simply venting because in my head- I know no one reads this place. And even if they do, I don't give a fuck. Oh btw-- I have no idea why I'm anonymous here. The only reason I didn't put my name here is because people do google searches on my name and I'd like them to end up at the other blog not here. I'm a writer/reporter/editor -- and honestly, I don't want to get fired for writing about my job. Coz that's happened before! But if you want to know my name and the other blog name, leave me a comment and I will email you.

I am only writing here because I need to talk to someone and there's no one available. R is asleep and I can't talk to him with my cousins around. I don't talk to my sister about my feelings. My friends are busy. :(

I just want to bitch to someone. About everyone. Its sad but I'm the kind of people who feels better by making other people look bad- but I don't mean it. Its just what works with me when I feel blue. And don't go judging me-- we all secretly have that person hiding inside us, just not the balls to admit to it.

:( I want a place. I want a home. I want something, someplace to call my home.

I wonder why...

2006-01-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

Why is it that we can write, mostly, with fondness about our pasts? Why are relationships defined and framed in names and roles? I'm 22. And I have been in love twice. But I've loved many men. When I talk to an ex, (although the break-up was messy, we have both gracefully matured and are now friends who care for each other's well-being) we wonder where those days disappeared. We don't stray near that territory often - but when we do...it is a joyful, mystical ride for me. Is it because we share a past? a connection to where we come from? or just some happy memories?

The last time I was in India, I cleared many skeletons from my closet. When I was 15, I had committed the worst mistake a gangly, boyish teenager can commit-- I had fallen in love with my best friend. Ofcourse, it played out in the typical Kuch Kuch Hota Hai fashion (only the movie hadn't released then and when the movie did come out- I cried in the theater and inwardly thanked Karan Johar for making that movie. I hoped that my best friend would watch and realize what he didn't know.)
We were so close. So incredibly close. Everything that happened to me, replayed all over again when I narrated to him at the end of the day. And everything he experienced, thought, felt, knew--came to me like a little bird returning to its nest every night. We were comfort for each other.
We fell apart...though. I found new people, I found a handsome boy who liked me...and I outgrew my windshield-like spectacles and impish hair. My best friend did love me, he always had....only it was too late when he realized it. We didn't speak/meet for a couple of years after that. This time I got in touch with him when I went home.

It was a little awkward. I didn't know how to act around him, with him. At one point, he used to be my best friend-- he used to be mine. And that was the only way I had known him. On my birthday, I insisted that he hang out with my friends and get to know them....that night, I apologized to him. I still don't know why I said sorry and for what. But I think he deserved it.

I had hoped that we would become the old best friends again. But those slots weren't open anymore. His was taken and so was mine.

When I was in fourth grade, I watched the promos for Aladin on TV. A mish-mash of stills and images from the movie moving rapidly to the sounds of "A whole new world." I still remember being enthralled at the swish in the clouds and the carpet flying over majestic minarets. The sights, sounds, colors and magic of that one single song held me captivated for life. Since then, I waited for my prince The summer of 9th grade, I told my best friend that I'd tell him the day I met my prince. Seven summers later, I told him about R and he was genuinely happy for me.

This time when we said goodbye, we knew it was the begining of a new friendship.

Hello World!

2006-01-10T00:11:00.000-08:00

I just watched an absolutely wonderful, inspiring and beautiful movie. It's called Millions- and it is about two little brothers who find a sack of money. The cinematography is excellent and that coupled with the soundtrack-- oooh-- it put me in such a joyous mood that I had to get up at 3.15am to log an entry!

I've enjoyed these 2 weeks off from work. (it wasn't my choice! I wasn't needed at work!) I've chilled with my friends, relaxed, recharged my batteries and found motivation. R and me had some rocky times. Distance and our busy schedules are taking their toll on us. Sometimes it is so hard to keep this relationship going, we barely find time for ourselves. It is so easy to shrug it away and say to yourself, "i'll take care of it later." But later doesn't work. A relationship, any relationship, is like a plant.. or a child. You nourish it if you want it to grow. You give it attention, time and all of yourself to find happiness with it.

New Years was a wet, cold and tired night in what was supposed to be a classy-but turned out to me a smelly-desi-infested club in NY. I am never going to a desi-party again. i got yelled at by a drunk bastard for no reason, got shoved and pushed by plenty. the plasma screens they promised on the brochure turned out to be two lousy tvs and the music sucked bigtime. $70 gone down the fuking drain. it helped we were with friends-- atleast i had fun.

I've spent some fun evenings with my sister. This weekend we went to Bubble Lounge and then to Mahagony. It was a lot of fun.. and on Sunday, we drove to Edison for dosas and chat. R was so sweet.. he bought her the Malgudi Days dvd as her bday gift.. and she really wanted the dvd. I got my eyebrows done at a shady gujoo beauty parlor coz they knew how to thread. But she messed them up and ultimately I had to come home and use a plucker to straighten them up.

Hehe. We joked how all the eateries there were wannabe-coolios coz they named their restaurants after bombay... there was bombay bar, a bombay chat house.. a chowpatty chat house.. and a couple other bombay monikers-- and the best part is-- they are all owned by chaptu ahmedabadis or gujoos from gujarat! ( no offense. i'm a gujoo myself, but from bbay!) On phone card store that offered some tax service had a big label on its door that said, "TAX CHEK." how can this place not be gujoo?

and then there was Pintoo Jewels and Pooja jewels...(argh!) It's cool to name your kids pinto, pinky or whatever. but c'mon- do others a favor and don't name an entire store after your kids!!
We were so exhausted by the time we returned, I slept in the car and my teeth began to hurt. Every few times a year, my teeth act weird and begin to hurt me. A kind of pain that no dentist can cure coz after a while it disappears. But its annoying for however long it lasts.

I got my periods. (whew!) I was sweating over spending another $10 on a P-test. Yea so I like naked sex- sue me! I watched the BBC documentary on the Casting Couch and felt inspired to make a documentary of my own or write a book like "Millions" and make a movie like, "Millions." I'm going to do all of that, all in good time.

This entry is really on the insistence of a friend.. for a friend. Partly because he is so charmed by my oh-so-wonderful life that he can't wait to hear more! (relax- I'm kidding)
Actually, he just got a job! At a company where he wnats to work- can it get better? Kudos to him.

On the professional front for me, things are looking up. I'm booked until April end and there is teeny weeny possibility that I might do some writing for a local style magazine. goodie! Thats all I've got right now. Tata!

Taking stock and counting sheep

2005-12-28T06:53:00.000-08:00

Weekends, weekdays, Phiadelphia, New York, long busrides in the smelly Chinatown buses, sleeping snug on my bed, sleeping snug on a random hotel bed, glitzly lights of Times Square, sedated glow of RIttenhouse square in philly--- everything swirls within each other and sometimes when you cannot tell when night slips into day and day into night- I cannot tell when my days are slipping in and out of these things.

Christmas night saw Philadelphia turned into a magical land right out of Enid Blyton's Faraway Tree. It rained all day and by night time, all that was left was a thick, tingly mist. The yellow street lights peneterating through the mist gave my city an ehtreal, faraway glow. We drove aimlessly along Kelly Drive. From the rear window, I saw the stark naked winter trees nestled in the mist and it wasn't nearly as creepy as it was splendid. We stopped the car by the river where there were no street lamps. We kept the music on and the car-headlights on. We posed infront of the headlights and the pictures that came out were of dark silhouettes against bright lights. A boat, tied to the anchor was so silent that I had an intense urge to throw a pebble and see it bob. But the river was silent too - the mist had engulfed it and we couldn't tell were the mist ended and the water began. We were scared to go near the edge, afraid that we'd float away with the mist. My sister spotted a tiny doll by the edge and worried thinking it was a voodoo doll. I tried to take a picture of the silent boat with my digital camera but it was so misty that even the flash couldn't peneterate it. The boat houses glittered in their blue garbs, like they do every night. And the bridge changed its colors- from red to green, to yellow to blue. It was phantasmic. It was surreal. It was beautiful. "I've never seen Philly so beautiful before," I murmered.

The apartment I lived in previously, I was on the 12th floor and the living room had a huge hexagonal shaped bay window. We kept a bed by the window and sometimes, on winter mornings when sleep alluded me, I'd wake up to a sensation of floating on clouds. Only stark whiteness. Outside my window. Even on rainy winter nights, the mist was so high up on the 12th floor that if I stepped out of my window, I'd be stepping on soft misty clouds.

Its nights like these that remind me of how beautiful your own backyard is- if you only look at it.
****

Sometimes when I read my friend's blogs or hear them talk about their lives I envy them because they are still so naive and innocent . And untouched by realities that will probably never raise their ugly heads in these friend's lives. Although Jonathan Livingstone proved that there are no realities, it is only a perception, I beg to differ. I feel wistful about having my own innocence having matured into rationality
At 18, I had to think about where my next meal was coming from and learnt to live pay-check by pay-check. At 20, I went to bed still hungry because I was willing to sacrifice my hunger for more material pursuits such as traveling more in Italy and shopping. At 21, I celebrated my brithday all alone in New York - had dinner and drink with a complete stranger whom I was too ashamed to meet after - and lived in a cockroach infested apartment with no fans and lights because that was all I could afford. I've gone into depression not because of the lack of love in my life but because for the first time I learnt that love didn't feel a stomach, bring a sound sleep and pay my rent.

So many times I've wondered if I'd be happier had I stayed on in India. I don't anymore. But when I did, I'd ask myself if I'd be a better person had I never learnt to take responsibility for my actions. I remember, when I was 15, I wanted to be a singer. I have a fairly good voice and enjoy singing but I am not talented. My parents, if they thought so, never told me. And for my birthday, gifted me a 25,000 rupees PSR620, the professional keyboard. I dabbled a bit, was ga-ga about it for a few months and then, as my chimerical mind latched on to another pursuit, the keyboard caught dust and became a show-piece in my livingroom. I never thought twice about the money wasted on it and my parents, never reminded me of it. Today, I age 10 years when I miss a credit card payment and worry myself to death if I get charged a late fee.

And its not just me. My sister worked 60 hour weeks at a measly $6/hour when she was only 17. She learnt, even quicker than I did, about credit card payments, going hungry, denying oneself the materialistic life and living from foot to mouth. At 19 now, she is a 100 times more mature and practical than I was at her age. My parents, as proud they are of us, can't help feeling sorry for not being able to provide us the better American life. My sister and I shudder to think what would have become of us had our parents had plenty of money to spare. Ambitionless, lost, irresponsible and probably daughters who never realized or valued what they had.

Some of my friends in India, are getting married. And I thank god for they will be blissfully ignorant. Their husbands are (touchwood) financially stable, a BIG roof on their heads and will produce a meal fit for a king to keep their wives happy. And I couldn't be happier for them. But also a little envious. They will get everything I worked for, for free! And thats when you begin to wonder, the true worth of dreams and happiness and goals and lives.

I questioned this to my friend in India once and the words he said stayed with me. "It was your choice."
It is.

Being in such a position is like being on no-man's land. Myself, R, Jolly, Gauri, Sharan, Madhu -- I think we all feel that way on different levels. Madhu learnt the bitter lesson this winter when she had to cancel her trip to visit me because she realized she could work during the break and make money. I was mad at her, but deep down I understood. I understood because everytime faced with idea of going somewhere on Spring Break, I'd decide to stay back and work so I could have money. There's something about this that is very ugly and beautiful at the same time. Ugly because it strips you off the skin you've adorned before that and beautiful because it marks your entry into adulthood.

*****

It will be 2006 next week. When I was younger, I'd want o hang on to one day of the year that was slipping by. Just one day that I could live in the future whenever I wanted to. I don't remember wishing for that in a long time now. But 2005 has certainly been something of a year. My house was drowned in the horrible Bombay 26th July flood, my dad's business was hit, My sister was unfortunately in India and witnessed it and is now scared everytime it rains. But. the Shah family survived and built back their life. The daughters here in philly and the parents in bombay. I look back and take stock and this year, it didn't matter that I graduated with honors, that I did so and so and got so and so praises. What matters is this -

I don't do silly things like going hungry so I can have money to pay bills and shop. I don't keep my bank statements and credit card bills unopened under my pillow anymore. And because I've got rid of two of my worst habits I know I've improved this year. This is what I've achieved in 2005. (And R you have to admire me because I finally checked my credit report. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.)

*****

I don't know what next year will bring. But I do know I will strive to better myself as a person. To handle my finances better and to live a fuller life. Spread more love and make more friends. Travel more, read more, write more and definitely shop more :P
I wish you all the same. I talk about a lot of emotions here on my blog- jealousy, envy, sadness, sorrow , happiness and love. But if I were to choose one emotion, one state of mind to accompany all of us into the next year, it would be contentment.

*****

If I don't post before the next year - have a great new years all! Get drunk, don't puke, don't pass out. Dance the night away and stay happy with your friends and family.

Projects and Goals - Constructive Time Management

2005-12-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

No resolutions for me. I'm happy.

Goals for 2006:-
- Summer trip to Prague, Amsterdam or Barcelona
-December trip to India, financed on my own
- Should be rid of 50% of my credit card and tutition debt
- Make $40k this year. Even if I have to take up multiple freelance jobs.
- Publish a clip in a national magazine
- Gain recognition for professional blog
- Get my drivers liscense (DON'T TAUNT ME! I WAS BUSY!)
- Be nice to sister, boyfriend, parents, friends and my health.

Goal for Weekend:-
- Grafitti Philly

"As we go on, we remember....all the times we... spent together.."

2005-12-22T07:09:00.000-08:00

I've very rarely felt true, unadulteratred happiness for someone else without feeling a little sad about myself. The happiness I felt for my friends wasn't marked with jealousy or envy, but a slight tinge of wistfulness for myself.

A very, very dear and close friend of seven years got engaged yesterday. It all happened so suddenly that even though we were expecting this news to come our way, when it finally came-- It took me off gaurd. And so did the happiness that burst from within. So pure, so joyous and it was all for her. And I didn't feel a wee bit wistful for myself. I felt so happy that I wanted to fly banners and scream out to everyone that my friend got engaged!

I came to work early and called Madhu, the one who I was pissed with coz she cancelled coming to Philly for the break. I woke her up, (Cali is a couple of hours behind) and squealed as I told her of "the" news! If she wasn't awake before, now she was! It was so bitter-sweet. If we were still 17, we would have both cried.
- it seemed so silly to still be mad at Madhu and not share this excitement with her just coz she didn't come to Philly. Besides, I missed her terribly.

Then I woke up Sameer in Canada and told him the news. And got mad at him for not showing his excitement. I talked to him for a couple of minutes and before hanging up he said, tell me tina's news when you meet me online or I'll think this was a dream. I yelled at him again and then hung up.

Life is beautiful. :) I called Tina and she was at her "fiances" cousin's wedding (In bbay, duh!) It was soo eeire! She's suddenly someones future mami and kaki and bhabhi! LOL. This.....22 year old pink-snowflake of mine is someone's bhabhi, how dope is that?! (dope is the new word I picked up from Brandon)

I thought to myself, if Tina could say yes to spending her entire life with a man she's known via an arranged setting for a few months, I can definitely gather the courage to think of myself married to R. Tina's engagement has given me a strange but sublime courage and an appreciation for what I have.

I've warned everyone, including R, that there is NO way we are to miss her wedding in Dec 2006. So brace yourself Bombay-- Madhu, Sameer, R and me are coming to Bombay. Who knows? this time, next year we'll prolly be dancing at her wedding or getting drunk at her spinster' party! I missed Rati's wedding this December, there is no way I'm going to miss Tinas.

My roommate Gauri kinda hinted her parents about Sharan. Maybe wedding bells will ring for them too!! Ti's the season of merriment and joyfulness. I think I've gotten my best Christmas gift.

Whats most wonderful about growing up with friends is that you see them go through everything- boyfriends, break-ups, academic qualifications, first-jobs, first-salaries, first-time sex, first car ....and then marriage. It is a feeling I cannot describe. It reminds you of much much more you still have to share, it reminds you that even though the time you get to spend with each other becomes less- it begins to mean more and it becomes more precious. When we graduated Mithibai in 2001, we made an oath to never lose each other. Vitamin C's, Graduation Day, was "our" song. I'm nostalgic and happy.

Another friend of mine is (hopefully) very close to realizing his dream. And it makes me happy because I saw him work hard for it- I saw the desperation and passion in his efforts and this is what he deserves. It's an interview call-- and I know he will nail it. You go , Vivek!

Now if I don't stop talking about my friends, I'm going to really cry. I'm just so happy today. I love you all.

Awash

2005-12-22T07:07:00.000-08:00

Ombre dreams
Flutter alive, escaping
into still reality

Inspiration goes a long way.

2005-12-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, they let us go an hour earlier :( As a freelance, every hour counts. It was freezing outside and boredom had taken its toll on me, so I walked ot K's apartment and watched some TV. I watched the show, Deal or No Deal". They asked the viewers to send an sms with their guess of the winning suitcase. I sent in Number 11 and guess what? It was freakin number 11! But nopes, I didn't win the $10,000. Sigh. I wasted 50 cents. :(

I'm working on a story about a party that Gucci threw at a famous chef's L.A palazzo. Because there was some discrepancy with the story, we asked to see the invite and one of the editors just dropped of the invite to this event. You would not believe what it is- -- its a gold plated block of metal with the invitation inscribed on it! And Gucci sent out some 200 of those invitations. (whistle) I held it and saw my face reflect in its mirror-like quality, smudged with random finger marks. How much money gone down the drain is that? Working in such lavishness just reminds me sometimes how wasteful and pretentious these super-rich people and corps are! A gold invite. hah.

Last night K and me sampled a Vietnamese restaurant right opposite her building. We shared a pad-thai and vegetable spring rolls- the food was soo good! Earlier I used to be the kind of person who'd starve herself to buy new shoes/ clothes. Now, I think about eating well first. Ever since we graduated and R got his super-cool job, we've been sampling every restaurant in Philly. And when I move to NY- ofcourse after I have a couple thousand dollars saved up, I'm going to try a new restaurant every day.

Work is unusually slow this week. I think it will pick up once the new year kicks in. I'm very excited about by gig at the other magazine. At every magazine, there usually is a give-away table where the editors put stuff they arent going to use in a story and don't want for themselves. I've found treasures at the table at this magazine! Just a couple mins back I picked up a Fodors Spanish for Travelers CD disc. yippiee. But the word is, the gicve-away table at the other magazine is a hundred times cooler and has more stuff. hehe. HEY-- Don't be jealous. Magazines don't pay as much but we have our fun perks!

I can't wait to start doing more important, writing related work. I've written to a couple editors at travel magazines for freelancing. No one's gotten back yet but I presume it is because of the holidays. Also I'm searching for more fodder for my "other" blog. My friend Brandon's mother teaches at a jail here in NY and he has such fascinating stories to tell. I'm going to interview her for my other blog. Brandon is also an aspiring film-maker and conversing with him is very inspiring. I think both of us take turns at inspiring each other. I've asked him to guest-blog on my other blog because he has such a strong voice and I want my "blog" to represent more voices.

I think writing is an art and most artists at some point in their life get attracted to or feel strongly about intermixing different art-forms. Visual story-telling is something I've been dabbling with. I don't necessarily believe that either words or photographs are disposable in lieu for another, but I think the synergy between words and images, works beautifully and complements one another.

Philadelphia, my hometown, shelters a very rich, hip-hop culture. And one aspect of this culture are the stunning works of graffiti intersperesed throughout the city. It has been on my mind to photograph these images since forever. you'd imagine that I would have done all these things "that I've wanted to do since forever" when I was sitting jobless for 3 months- but I didn't! When you have too much time, it is difficult to prioritize it. Now that time is dearthful, I know I will actually get around to doing this project. I'll ask R if he'd mind driving me around the city this weekend, so I could shoot the graffiti. Then I'll make a nice pdf. booklet and upload it on my blog for everyone to download.

I've never seen the Rockefellar tree during Christmas. My office is one block from the Rockefellar center and I've still not seen it. Partly because I'm lazy and its cold and partly because I want to see it with R. I'm on a major butter-R-up trip to get him to drive to NY this Friday to pick me up and have dinner in NY. Its the second day of MTA strike. The last time these people went on strike was in 1982 and it lasted for 12-13 days! I hope its not so this time. A lot of my friends have to walk more than 60-70 blocks to come to work. But I'm hoping the strike will last until Friday so R is compelled to drive here instead of taking the bus. hhee. I'm evil :P

Last year., I'd written a chick-flick movie script for a play-writing class and got an A on it. Brandon thinks I should polish it up and try to sell it. He's given me hopes. I could do with some money. He going to read it and tell me what he thinks of it. I'l lhave to figure out a way to sell it now. I has so much fun writing it! Its a very typical story line-- set in NY, has kids, hot women, hot men etc. But the dailogues are killer. Trust me, I dont get A's for bullshitting.

Who knows? If Universal or HBO buys it, you'll be lucky to watch it on TV. :P heheheheh

OK. back to work. This time on a Heidi Klum story.

Pedestrian Woes

2005-12-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

I'm staying with my roommate's best friend Kusum. K works for one an accounting firm in India and they shipped her over here to help out with the tax season. Luckily for me, I'm crashing with her at her uber-tiny, but ultra cool studio on Times Sqaure- What a pleasant change it has been for me to wake up at 9am and leave for work at 10am (its only a 5 min walk!) When I commuted from Jersey, I had to be up at 7am and leave by 8. Sheesh.

Today the MTA (the subway and bus system in New york) is on strike. I watched the news this morning and saw throngs of commuters stranded in Brooklyn and Queens figuring out a way to get to work. I felt smug that I wasn't one of them! I sauntered to work in a short silk skirt, high boots and tights to keep me warm! My Bisou-Bisou plum coat is very stylish and sexy but not at all warm! K asked me yesterday, does this keep you warm? I said, no, it keeps me stylish! :P If I had my own place here, I'd have the luxury of choosing a coat to go with my outfit everyday. Since I'm living out of a bag (literally!) I can only carry one coat with me.

Yesterday for dinner, K showed me this new place. New for me, not for New York. It's called the Kati roll house and is on 46th, between 5th and 6th aves. Its orange colored walls reminded me of Barista. The walls were dotted with old Amitabh Bacchan movie posters. Naseeb, Don, Namak halal and the rest I forgot. It was a little expensive but I hadn't eaten frankies in a long time. I tried the achari paneer and aloo tikki roll. In my head I was thinking, I have to bring R here! He's gonna love the place coz they had all kinds of non-veg rolls too. After dinner, we walked back to K's apartment and I promptly fell asleep within an hour! I have a slight suspicion that my mama's daughter, my cousin, lives in the same building as K. Its very weird with her- either there has been a major miscommunication or I just am insecure around her.

A, my cousin, is extrememly beautfiful. Some people don't think so, but I do. She's some 5.9 " tall, fair-skinned and had jet black hair which she dyed to a blondish brown. She used to have people swooning all over her. When she was getting her nails done at a salon- the lady who did her nails kept saying to her she should enter modeling. So when A moved to NYU she went on a binge diet and would count calories like a maniac. She got a portfolio made and then started modelling. So when I say I am insecure about her, I don't think my fears are totally baseless! Anyhow, at one point when we were little, we were close. Its funny coz we were closer when I was in India and then when I moved here- we grew so apart that now it has been one year since I last communicated with her. After I came her, I was kinda expecting her to keep in touch with me, visit me, that kinda shit. And she never did! So 2 yrs back when I was in NY for the summer, interning at this magazine, I emailed her. I was alone and had no friends. She replied back saying she was very busy and had "to check her schedule." I never heard from her after that and never wrote to her after that.

My fear was palapable in that email. My helplessness was apparent. I was new to a city, and my cousin who's been here for 8 years didn't even offer me an opportunity to crash at her place OR to meet me! I was soon filled with immense anger towards her and her family because every time they came to India, my parents dropped everythng, cancelled all our plans to accomodate them. I try not to hate her too much or think about her too much because a few years back she was diagnosed with lymph cancer. She's perfectly alright now (touchwood) and doing very well at her job too. But I don't stop fantasizing about the day when I'm extremely rich and successful and famous or in a position to help her. I don't stop fantasizing about the day I'll just bump into her on some random street or a club in NY or even the elevator of this building I'm living in with K. Mostly, I await the day she and her family will meet R and realize however insigificant I may be to them, I mean the world to this guy.

This week at work has been excruciatingly slow. But I am not leaving work before 6! I get paid by the hour and I want my money! Even if I sit here and read old magazine or evasdrop on other's phone conversations. :P

I wrote to two other magazines today to establish a connection and hopefully secure some freelance projects. I'm also thinking about finding a place here for sometime because I am not a big fan of crashing at people's places and living out of a suitcase!

Last Friday, our friends who are still in school threw a End-of-Semester drinking party. It was SO good to get together with our friends. R's best friend and roommate Dhrumil was leaving for India the next morning and we partied like crazy. Before I met R, him, Dhrumil, Tina and Shreepal used to be best friends. And everytime R gets together with them, he's a different person. He is truly himself, and he lets go of himself with thee people. I've never ever seen him get drunk before. He just never gets drunk. I have no idea how much alcohol he consumed this party coz he passed out! and three guys had to carry him down to my apartment! LOL. It was so funny! On Saturday, we went for Bluff master with Tina and Salim. And later had dinner at Penag. While we were eating, Tina told me it was so good to see R wearing colors. Apparently before R met me, he only wore button-down starched, ironed shirts to college! He was always prim and proper. Even his jeans used to be ironed!! (shudder!) I remember being horrified when I first saw his closet : everything was blue and white!!!
Now his closet is amazingly eclectic and colorful. After we started going out, he began to wear slacks and trackpants to college and started experimenting with yellow and orange. HeeHeeHaaHaa. I take full credit for this! I didn't even know him before we started going out so I'm thankful I didn't see him in his colorless phase. :P

Its obvious I have no work and am sitting quite jobless. I guess I'll go back to reading old magazines.

Sleeping and searching

2005-12-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

It was a bad idea to stay up all night to get back into schedule. I felt a weird sourness in my throat all day and then fell asleep on my desk for a good hour. Its alright though coz no one ever comes into the cave. (the cave, is where i sit with the other reporters, its a lil dingy corner and feels very private) Besides, I have only one story to work on and it is not closing today. So its very relaxed in here.

A good thing happened- I got the job at the magazine I interviewed for! It's not a full time job (trust me, in the magazine industry in USA - it is harder to find a full time job than for a homeless person to find a job at the local 7 eleven.) It is "fulltime-freelance" whatever that means. But I love this magazine, and am delighted to be a part of it! I wish, I wish I could spil more details about the name of the magazine and the notorious publishing house it belongs to - but I can't. Its unprofessional and could be my one-way ticket to get thrown out of the magazine world!

But I'll tell you this much- it is the number one women's magazine in USA. (and no, its not cosmo!) We haven't discussed the pay yet but I've heard they pay well than what my current magazine does-a couple dollars more. but that makes a HUGE difference. I don't want to get too excited coz I don't know the details, all I know is that I'm starting Jan3! Fingers crossed!

I've overridden my cell phone bill in the last couple of months and today I am very proud of myself. I didn't panick when I saw the $600 due charge on my account. Instead I called up verizon and stayed on the phone with them for 1 hour and got them to give reduce my bill to a mere $290 bucks! (I only have pay $170 out of that coz the rest R does- we have a shared plan, but I'm the one who always goes above the limit)
Anyways, I was so calm and collected about how I handled it! A good friend Prasad used to tell me, when you've been in shit too many times, it becomes a joke. heh, today I can say I agree with him.

Something sucky happened as well. A girl, from my university whom I had helped by giving her the information of the lady who hires at the magazine I work at, got the internship here. I am mad because that girl is very ungrateful. She never thanked me and when she saw me in the bus or wherever, she'd pretend to not know me!! Sheesh. My friend Brandon here also warned me about "Crazy women" at the new magazine where I'm going to work. Magazine business is so competetive, and it both humbles you and makes you strong. It is a glamorous job, no doubt. And thousands of women want it. So there's obviously a lot of back biting, stepping on one another's foot and even toppling one another. Thankfully, I've learnt to recognize who my foes are and who my friends are. I want to keep this blog to myself and not talk too much about my job because it could risk me losing it!

Oh and I also learnt that one of the assistants who was working here in the Beauty dept got fired because she wasn't doing her job well! I used to know her-- Harvard educated, very smart/.I dont know what went wrong, maybe she wasn't satisfied with her job.

I still have to kill a couple more hours because the girl I'm crashing over at returns from work by 8. :( I'm so tired that I just want to sleep. I miss R. He dropped me to work this morning and he even commented on my other "professional" blog!! hehe
Once I find out how permanent this new job is, I am going to think more seriously about finding a place here. That sort of thing.

Adrestia and Vivek- although I couldn't reply to your comments (my computer at work sucks!) thank you for writing it. Adrestia, you are very generous and sweet! Its silly that comments should matter, hopefully that will change for me as well. And Vivek - I'm getting spammed! What did you do on your blog? show me ! Next update will come tomorrow.

Comments work now

2005-12-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

Vivek told me how to get my comments working. Hopefully they work now.

As always, had a wonderful week in Philly. Got a little bored because once you start working, being jobless is frustrating! But I think I used my time constructively. I read a lot, am almost done with the Narnia book. It's alright, every story ends in a god-dammed fight where the good people end up saving Narnia. (wtf!)

Watched a lot of movies this week. And wrote a lot as well. I'm on a radar-- absorbing any new ideas, new tips, new words, everything to better my writing. I realized what was missing with my writing at the other blog- the kind of stuff I wrote about was "fluff" (in R's words) and there is only a limited vocabulary to use with such subjects. Now that the focus of my blog is not to show off my adv/marketing knowledge, I feel a little less strained and am able to write more about what moves me, but what will also move other readers. I have also greatly reduced reading other blogs because when I see a high number on their comment boxes, it makes me jealous! It makes me feel that my writing isn't as good. It makes me second-guess myself.
I am so silly! I don't even get this possessive about my boyfriend. When I was little I use d to get pissed when someone else said they loved writing. It used to piss me off coz I thought I was the only who could and should love writing!! Now I console myself saying, I love it more than others coz I've devoted/dedicated/use your own words/ my entire life to it. I am so silly! Nonetheless, I'm a brilliant writer, and SOMEONE who is doing something about it. So that's all that counts.

I will be writing for 2 Indian publications now! Yippiee! Now only of I can say that about America. I'm taking Finding Forrester with me to NY. Did I mention I'm going back to New York tomorrow? For 2 weeks, after which once again I'll be jobless unless by some divine providence, a job crops out or something else falls into place.

I am so broke, I panicked today. My boyfriend pays for me everywhere and wont take no for an answer. Nor will he cut down on things we do/places we go out to eat/or the quality of the lifestyle we have. It pains me and reminds me all the more why I should get a job real soon. I have something really cool planned for him once I start making money. I don't want to talk about it coz although he doesnt' read my blogs, you never know when he will!

I pray to God everyday now and work hard for it too- that I get a proper, fulltime, job. But I'm still so picky that I won't accept any altu-faltu job at an altu-faltu magazine. I want the top magazines, the top publishers and the top name.

Now I'm tired. It is 2am and I still have to pack. I leave at 6.30. R dearest is dropping me to the bus-stop.

My silly boyfriend

2005-12-16T04:46:00.000-08:00

"xxx"

I feel very well this morning. I will not be coming to work today."

-R

That is what my boyfriend wrote to his boss to call out from work on Wednesday. He didn't know about this until yesterday when his boss told him that had a good laugh on his account.

LOL

About airports and Aunties

2005-12-13T13:31:00.000-08:00

Because I am at home, I chill at lot with G's mom. She's a very eloquent story-teller. She waves her hands, her eyes sparkle and her face twists in playful contortions as she repeats "dialogues" from her stories. An afternoon with her whiles away in no time!

Today she regaled me with stories about her experiences with the ariports world-wide. Mind you, she is a very well-travlled person and can be a vile Maratha woman that she is if not given the legit service and respect. Especially at airports.

Last year, on returning from America, her suitcase didn't arrive at the Bombay airport. When she tried reporting her missing luggage to the British Airways officials, the guy demanded Rs.1200 from her. Enraged, she raised her voice and created a ruckus at the airport that drew attention from other officials. They immediately came to her rescue, and promised to call her i 2 days when they had some news about her suitcase.

Three days and no call later, she called the BA office. They asked her to come to the airport the next day and identify her bag. They reached the said office at 9.30am , 30 minutes prior to their meeting. After being sent to a couple different floors, they finally found the BA office. The hallways were empty and stark and the only man (peon, officer?? no idea!) approached them spoke to them extremely politely and whispered secretively that they should get Rs.500 as a travel reimbursement. Auntiy and her son - finally glad to have found someone who actually knew what he was talking about asked the man to lead them to the exact BA office. After showing them to the door, the man coyly put forth his hand and chirped, "tip ma'am."
Aghast, and scared - coz the hallways were still empt, Auntie pulled out a 10 rupee note and before she could say anything, the man grabbed the note, "will do. will do," and disappeared.

So finally Auntie entered the office and waited there for another hour before she was called in the officers cubicle. The officer, treated this simple customer-service matter, like a business-deal and offered Auntie Rs.300 without so much as referring to her missing suit-case! Her patience on the test, Auntie once more, cool-headedly explained her situation and with a steelness in her voice demanded that the bag be delieverd to her house in Sion. At this- the officer bristled and said, we don't deliver- you have to take it yourself.

Being a world-class travler, she has been in these situations before and was aware that it is a BA policy to send missing luggage to the passenger's door-step. She requested the officer to not allow her to remind him of BA's rule. At which the officer insisted, it works differently here, you have to identify your bag first. Frustrated, Auntie agreed. Before leaving the office to go to the godown where all the missing luggage is kept- Auntie said to the officer, "Btw, you owe me Rs.500. not Rs.300. for the trouble I went through to come here."

The officer retorted, "it is only Rs.150 in a cab from Sion." And Auntie met his retort with an equally lethal one - "I took a Cool-Cab. What's it to you?" After much haggling, that Auntie didn't want to describe, the officer gave her Rs.450. (At this point, she sighed and cursed the Indians, nalayak hai sab.)

FastForward to the Godown. They heard a man weeping when they entered the godown. Now Auntie is also a very gentle soul, so she kindly enquired with the man who was weeping. His story was such - his brother was set to leave for America when he got a hear-attack and died on the airport. Now the luggage was already sent in and just to retrieve the luggage this poor man had to go through so much crap. "He had been shuffled around from one place to another for 4 hours." Auntie told me with a tinge of incredulity and abhorrence in her voice.

At the godown, she finally got her suit-case (she didn't tell me if anything was missing- that would be another story!) and swore and cursed the way back home.

Nalayak hai saab saale.

Something new, something old, something borrowed, something stolen

2005-12-13T01:31:00.000-08:00

I've done something bad. And I don't think I have enough courage to admit it here on this blog and let everyone know of it. To get out of my system, I told it to R. But I've decided that I cannot live with myself knowing that I am capable of such pettiness, so the next chance I get, I am going to rectify my mistake. Godwilling, there will still be a chance to do that. Please pray for me. I have taken an oath that I will never repeat that mistake again. Ever. Please pray that I get to rectify it- it might not be too late. I can't live with this guilt.

***

I had a wonderful weekend, otherwise. (the bad thing I did kept haunting me but once I decided to undo it, it provided me temporary succor) I spent some really good time with my friends. One of my roommate S is going to India on Wed for the winter break. Today me and her talked for a few hours- assessing our relationships with the people around us and our friends. I realized that I had been wrong to judge S, the way I did. She's different, but I can see why now. I believe that once you understand the true reason why someone hurt you or treated you bad or just someone you didn't like - you cannot be mad at them anymore or judge them. People have layers and even after living with S for a few months, I was unaware of her depths and intelligence.

G's parents are visiting and have been staying with us. I love having people around. And this is what I LOVE most about being on my own- there are always people around. My friends. I cannot imagine living alone - or married. R took G's parents and us shopping on Saturday. And Sunday night- 6 of us jammed ourselves inside R's tiny Jetta and drove 2 hours to New Jersey to eat Indian-style chinese food! The bill was hefty but the food was worth it! Tonight, after a sumptous mealf of gujoo dal (which I didn't touch!) sweet suji dosas, gobi sabszi, puri and roti - I took G's parents and G for a gelato. We made it just in time as they were about to close. My sister tagged along as well - she's funny, I tell you. I think the ice-cream went to her head or she got high on the sugar in it and kept repeating in the car, "Don't talk to me now, I can't hear. I'm thinking of the ice-cream server." (he was cute!) She said it to G's mom and all of us laughed. My sis is a real cartoon sometimes. heh

***
A close friend M, who was supposed to come to Philly from LA next week - backed out last minute. And I'm sick of being the nice, understanding friend who'd also understand this situation and her reason for calling out a week before arrival. I just don't buy it and I believe it is incredibly rude and unfair of her to pull out this stunt and ruin what we've been planning for four years now. I can't help but think, this country has the power to change the weak-willed. It can make a mouse out of a tiger and draw water out of a desert.

***

I have another interview in NY this Thursday. With a magazine that I LOVE. Although it is not a permanent job, if I get it- hopefully I'll be assured a steady income for the next couple of months or atleast weeks! And rumor is such that this magazine pays well. Better than the one I'm with now. So, touchwood.

***
I like it that I can convey so much in so little words now! heh.

A week in the life of a New York Reporter

2005-12-10T01:16:00.000-08:00

Possibly the most wonderful week I have had in a long time (if you minus the 7 inch of snow, sharp, cold sleet, 30 minutes of walking to and fro to work and close to 3 hours of traveling in ridiculously uncomfortable NJ Transit buses)

I didn't take my Ipod with me to NY. That worst thing the Ipod has done is isolated people in lone-standing animals in a sea full of curios and fodder. I watch people waiting for bus, for subways, for cabs or simply waiting to cross the streets-- with the intensely visible white cords reaching somewhere in their bags or pockets, hiding the Ipods. I was one of those, until I realized there were more enjoyable and perhaps, englightening ways of utilizing that time. Street noise is beautiful. Whether it is the two honey-skinned brazilians singing duets on the assortment of strange, whimsical instruments they have-- or the Indian girl teaching her Portuguese friend english, pointing out to a limo and lip-synching to, "LI-MO-ZEEN"-- or the young teeanger on her way to the local ice-cream parlor with her father shrieking with delight on spotting a random Hollywood celebrity walking down the street --- Streets are a treasure. A live, pulsating, fabric of culture- as real as it gets!

I made new friends at work. Fun, hedonistic, pleasure-seeking women! The ambititous one of the batch is releasing her first novel in 2006. A couple of "desi" girls proud of their lineage. A random marketing agent at a real-estate firm. A couple of high-profile but very helpful editors... yum.

My computer at work needs to be cranked and re-started every hour. It can't handle certain sites- including all blogspot.com addresses! I've felt alienated from the blogosphere but very satisfied with my life.

I've also been hunting online for apartments in NY and have had absolutely zero luck. Why is it so hard to find a place to live?! Let me rephrase it- why is so hard to find something I can afford?

This week has reminded me of one of my favorite poems about New York. It is called Manahatta and was written in early 19th century by Walt Whitman. His words echo my sentiments and energy.

All the same, it is good to be back home for the weekend. It is good to be back with my friends, my roommates, my sister and my boyfriend. I listen to the radio every night as I fall asleep- even otherwise, it's always playing in my room. I like to sleep with music , otherwise I think too much and let my imagination race. Since the last month, I've been listening to a million Christmas carols every night. I am going to be a little sad when Christmas if finally over, tthere's something about this season... everyone is nice to each other, people smile without a reason and wish each other happy holidays. Bus drivers let me on even if I don't have the ticket, passengers let me get on first because I have so much stuff, little boys in wooly red hats give me their toothless grins, a beauitful angelic neice smiles slowly with recognition and jumps ecstatically with anticipation on seeing me... a much-missed sister stops brooding and feeling depressed because I am back.... a handsome, silly man feeds me, makes love to me and rubs my knotted back because it hurts me so.

on another side of this universe, a friend pines for love, another writes with hope and the third struggles with his dreams. It is. Still. a season of goodness, prayers and happiness.

City lights... neon nights....

2005-12-06T19:01:00.000-08:00

My first day at work, slow but breath-takingly alive. You can imagine how exhiliarting it is to work in these environs! I'm too tired to write much and I have to finish the Narnia Chronicles- I keep dreaming of tinkling bells and talking animals.

I just realized the comments function doesn't work on my blog - I'll try to figure it out.

Welcome to the city! The adventures are just begining....

What do you write?

2005-12-04T02:21:00.000-08:00

In a creative writing class I once took, a friend wrote, "When I was 17, I thought I knew it all. When I was 20, I was sure I had it figured all out. Now I'm 22, and I have no clue about anything."

It wasn't a self-aggrandizing rhapsody she made up to gain a better grade. It ~~was~~ is the solemn truth that leads the catacombic battles of our lives.

After four years of journalistic reporting, it is hard for me to waste words. I don't know how good or bad that is, but I have dissuaded myself from circumventing and wasting precious words to communicate.

I am a simple person. Beauty moves me. Colors, light, water and sound enchant me. There's love in my life and little struggles that remind me how cherished I am. I have dreams, most of which I am living or on my way to achieving. I have another blog where I write about stuff that interests me. So when I return to this blog, religiously, every night - I stare at the blank screen scratching my head wondering what I should write.

I think, when you are in a comfortable spot, the area around your mind gets all warm and fuzzy. So cozy that you don't really want to move from there. Some of my most poignant writing came when I was living alone in NY last year under terrible conditions. Before that, I could write up a whale when I was so completely bewitched by my lonliness and desolate-ness. And now, my life is fabuluous. Absolutely, fantastically, fabulous. So what do I write about?!

Maybe I can put up a prayer, wish well for all the people in my life and request God to keep them safe and happy. Even then, a (wonderful!) uplifting spirit/voice tells me that even if things were to change with my life and it wasn't to remain so fabulous - I still wouldn't have much left to talk about!

Round and round, I keep concluding this one thing : Nothing lasts forever in life and if something does, it isn't meant to be questioned.

The kind of writing that comes out of pure, unadulterated happiness is something no one wants to read. But thats how my life is - and let me stress on the fact (yes, it is a fact) that I have earned it. I have given/sacrificied/spent/ - pick your choice of word - 4 years to loudly, happily, claim that I need a bouncy, new, soft mattress and a strong, unattainable challenge to live for- just so that I can write about it!
I have become a very rational and practical person over the years. There won't be any sob-fests here. There won't be any soul-shattering, deeply touching, life changing blog entries here. But you are welcome to visit if you want to share my adventures/surprises/missives/expectations of living in fascinating cities, with amazing friends and a sexy career!

It snow-dropped (snowdrops are not completely snow and not completely rain, somewhere undefined, in between the two consistencies!) in Philly, btw. I have a beautiful view from my window where I can see shiny cars in the parking lot bathed in the ethreal yellow glow of the street-lights and blanketed in a thin sheet of powdery snow. As it melts, the car windows glisten in the night-light and endear the view to me even more.
Cira center- a new building adorning Philly's skyline (that looks like it came out straight out of Altantic City's purple-lit Borgata casino) stays awake with me at nights. I type, read and write. And the building throws off little blue pellets of it's dancing lights that reflect on my glass windows.

Let the fabulous-ness begin!

Cars, cricket and new york

2005-12-04T01:31:00.000-08:00

Some days we remember for the rest of our lives. Like the day you bought your first car.
The man I am in love with bought his first car today - from this own money. It was a proud day.
Our friends and us dined at a beautiful little Italian restaurant tucked into the quiet folds of Spruce and Locust Street. A large, water-colored mural of the Positiano coast covered one side of the wall and the rest of the walls were painted a soft olive shade, shadowed by the overhead lights.
The food was excellent - we've been having great luck with eating out these days. We talked about relationships, frat parties and cars over warm toasted bread dipped in balsamic vingear and olive oil.

Today something else happened. I found an old friend who's also moving to the big city and we decided to do it together. We've set a date to move as well: 1st january. We will literally start our new year and new careers in a new city: New York! (too much "new" just happened in this sentence!)

The men smoked their Dominican cigars and got light-headed and giggly later. The women reveled in the smoke and let it go to their heads. We end up playing cricket in the empty living-room. My sister and I fought and I watched some more Lost.

That, summed up my Saturday.

I've moved so many times that I don't do the ritualistic "last weekend, last saturday, last day" celebrations anymore. Nothing is that big a deal, esp. not movnig cities. New York is so close to Philly - and now that my man has a car (with heated seats!) I have no qualms about moving and no dreads about traveling back to Philly every weekend.
Besides, there will always be a home here for me. In the heart of my friends.

Meme 2

2005-12-03T01:51:00.000-08:00

10years ago it was 1995, and I was:
12 years old and in the 7th grade.
I had a boycut.
I wore weird long T-shirts and lose, colored pants. (ew)
Was trying too hard to belong to a certain group of girls.
Was caught singing in an empty classroom and told by the prinicpal that I should be singing on stage.

5 years ago it was 2000, and I was:
17 years old, and attending Mithibai College, Bombay
Still in love with my first love S.
Skipping classes and struggling to keep up with Physics and Math.
Enrolled in dramatics.
Studying for SAT's
Looking forward to life.

1 year ago it was 2004, and I was:

21 years old, living in the Philly
Very close to graduation.
In love
Looking fabulous, as I had started to lose weight
Loving my life, my friends, my family and my self

Yesterday I:
Was 22 years old.
Spent all day with my 7-month old neice, Sarah.
eating home-cooked meals that my room-mates mom cooked. (her parents are visiting)
Watching 'Girl in Rio' with my close friend Resham
Squealing in joy about scoring another interview in NY
Fielding calls for sublets

5 Songs I know all the words to:

"Bhagee re Mann" - Chameli
"Durr" - Strings
"Awara Bhavre" - Sapnay
"Drops of Jupiter" - Train
"A whole new world" - Aladin

5 Things I would do with 100 million dollars:

Pay of my loans, his loans and my sister's loans
Give half of it to my parents.
Give a part of it to someone who wants to start a school like Totto-Chan's
Invest.

5 places I would love to visit:

Tokyo- Japan
Barcelona- Spain
Istanbul- Turkey
Santorini- Greece
Alaska- in time for the Northern Lights

5 things I would never wear:

Mis-matched clothes
Obnoxiously expensive jewelry
Super-tight pants
Micro-mini skirts
Dull colors

5 favorite tv shows:

Lost
Desperate Houswwives
Everybody loves Raymond
Sex and the City
random shows on TLC and Food Network

5 bad habits:

Interrupting people
Thinking too much

5 biggest joys:

R.
Working
Family
Shopping
A big fat paycheck

Fashionable in NYC

2005-12-03T00:16:00.000-08:00

I was in NY for an interview with a magazine on Wednesday. I felt so alive, so good, walking the familiar streets of Sixth Ave. A cute guy asking for charity flirted with me, hoping I'd give him some cash. Heh. I walked five blocks around Rockefellar center to look for the tiny chocolatiere for R. I don't like chocolates but the man I love is a sucker for chocolates. I carefully selected the very best macaroons and little artisan chocolates with raspberry, ginger and coffee fillings from La Maison Du Chocolat. I was so tempted to add the Maroon Glaces to my little brown bag... yumm, roasted chestnuts!

On my way to interview I spotted the much touted Mishaa store on 5th Ave. Mishaa is a very famous Korean beauty company. Their products are inexpensive and supposed to work well. I bought a green-grape face scrub for my sister and some samples for myself. I was super-psyched!

Oh what a wonderful day it was! My interview went well but I didn't "feel" the place so I'm not sure if I want to work or belong to that environment. But the good news is, I will start working "freelance" at a top fashion magazine in New York this Tuesday! It pays me so much money an hour that it makes me goggle-eyed and gold-fish surprised. I will now have money to do laundry, to buy food and to pay my loans. And buy new clothes, new shoes, a nice, comfy bed and a gorgeous silk caftan to sleep in.

I dream of a full refrigerator - with my plastic tubs of yogurt, mangola bottles, Amul butter, Danon's Peach Passion smoothies, stacks of Malaysian parathas, the $1.99, Mirch Masala Kofta Curry packets, crusty golden hasbbrowns, fresh ginger, garlic and cilantro. Yumm. The shiny red plum tomotoes from Trader Joes and portobello mushrooms. I also want peppers of every kind: red, yellow and green. And a small bucket of Pecan Butter ice-cream.

YUM.

In search for Totto-Chan

2005-12-02T01:24:00.000-08:00

For those who passed out from SSC schools, does anyone remember the story of a little Japanese girl, Totto-Chan, in the 7th standard english textbooks? It was the story of Totto-Chan who opend and closed her desk and disturbed her class, who called out the street musicians and who talked to swallows. She was expelled for being a child.
So her mother took her to a school that housed it's students in old railway compartments. The teacher asked the students to bring 'something from the ocean, something from the hill' for their lunch and the head-master let the boys and girls swim naked in the swimming pool to dispel curiosity, shame and insecurity about their bodies.

Ofcourse the story was only one chapter from the book. But yesterday I found the book at Barnes and Noble. There was only one copy left. I sheepishly remembered seeing the copy wedged between two fat tomes 1) Japanese Popular Culture (which I have) and 2) The story of 3 generations of a Japanese family. (which I don't want) , several months ago. I didn't have the money to buy the book then. Not that I had it now, but I had managed to return two books and I used to exchange money to buy Totto-Chan and The Little Prince.

After I finished reading the Little Prince, I had only one desire- to have read it and understood it in French, in the language it was written in, in the language it was meant to be read in. The translations, no matter how good, fuck up a book. There are certain sensibilities for which there are no definitions or literal words in english. Like the Italian "bella figura" or the japanese "kenji."

Returning to Totto-Chan- this little girl made an impact on me when I was in 7th grade because I felt like her. I didnt' really fit in in my only girls school. I was too... brazen and unlike other girls. I got sent to the Principals office for calling a friend, 'sex-bomb.' I had teachers I absolutely detested, except maybe one who I held in respect. I was curious about many things but was made fun of and laughed at when I acted upon then. I was made fun of in the entire class when I had shaved the hair off one of my hands just to see what it felt like to have no hair. That was the first time I used a razor - I was in 7th, I think. (After that I waxed directly in 10th grade) I was laughed at because I wasn't "in tune" when singing 'A whole new world' when all I wanted to do was sing! I didn't care if I was good at it!

Now that I got the chance to read the entire book- I find myself wishing I went to Tomeo school. Where the children were free to be themselves. Where their actions, curiosities and ideas were not questioned. Where the teachers belonged, because they really loved teaching- not because they needed a job to bring money home.

The book is called, "The Little Girl by the window." it is written by Tetsuko Kuroyangi. It is a true story. And a school like Tomeo, did exist. And hopefully, still exists somewhere far from the prying eyes of media.

Rekindling old friendships

2005-11-29T22:37:00.000-08:00

maybe you just want to do your own thing and you've worked hard to get where you are...and you don't want anything to come in the way of your independence and career...so, your distancing yourself from him till you get things settled professionally and all

I don't want to get into details. But I had a very close friend and I erred her. She introduced me to Can't fight the moonlight, the song that later came close to defining me at a crucial point in my life. I learnt how to smoke a hookah from her and learnt to appreciate the true value of bonding over pizza and chick-flicks. I was narrow-minded when I met her. I was still living in the past when we became good friends. And I never really understood how much she meant to me. Time had bought us together and it took us apart. I let it happen. She let it happen because she thought that was what I wanted.

This spring, we bonded again. We were older. Wiser. We had forgotten (I think) what took us apart. And started talking again like we used to. Only, we never hung out. Because by then, we both had men in our lives. Men we were in love with. So the only time we spent together was in the bus - going to school and returning back from school. After graduation, she left the country forever and returned to her own. And now when I think back about my last semester at school, the brief 15 minute bus-rides with R come back to be, heavily, hungrily. After graduation, she left the country. I wasn't here to say goodbye. It felt, like a conversation had been halted and I didn't know where to pick it up from.

A few days back while traveling in the train, my mind ruminated over the past. And a shadow of guilt crept up my eyes and stayed there till my man asked me what was wrong. I told him how during freshman year I had busted out on R's bday. She had planned a trip to NY just for the two of us. A night at the Waldorf - we were going to eat at Serendipity and walk the drunken streets of New York, hand in hand.
And I was so stuck in my past that I called out the last minute to stay online with my friends back in India. I was so afraid to make that new memory that I thought I was cheating on the memories I had left behind.
I still remember the hurt, the anger and the disappointment in her voice.

Today I met her online. And I told her about my feelings. I apologized again. She had long forgotten about it. It relieved me. I am a woman of no regrets in life. I believe what has happened cannot be undone and hence is not worth mulling over. But I regret, not sorting out my mess and my life as a freshman. If I had, I would still have had those 3 precious years with R. Her friendship, I've won back. But the years I lost, are lost forever.

It is one of life's most learnt lesson and yet we never learn. We never know what we have till we've lost it. R wiped my tears when my boyfriend cheated on me. I stood by her when her the Aramark jerk broke her heart. She bought to my notice how disgusting piegons were-- especially how they walked, with their heads bobbing in four directions. I made her wear my lime green chiffon dress for garba and saw how pretty she looked in Indian garb. She told me that women who lose their virginity walk like ducks (and I remembered her words years later when I lost mine) Together, we watched porn in Statistics class, copied homework and cheated on exams. When I told her about my decision to quit business school and switch to journalism, she was the happiest for me. I took her with me to my uncle's place and made her a part of my family. She so gracefully welcomed them and made herself a part of us.
Even though I tout myself the writer, it was because of her I got an A in my Enlgish Comp 50 class. She wrote my final paper for me! Once I give leash to my memories, they keep coming, one after another. Each one, shining brighter than the one before. Each one, pushing, shoving to make it to the surface so I can write about it....

As I look back now, the year I spent with her, my first year at college was the best year of my college life.

And still, after all these years she said in 4 sentences what I haven't been able to admit to myself till now. She said that in context to my confusion about being in love but not wanting marriage and the works right now.

R had dedicated Judy Blum's "Summer Sisters," to me. Today I revive those memories and dedicate my freshman year to her. In an esoteric way, if not for her, I wouldn't have been who I am today.

I love you Rasha.

Meme...

2005-11-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

From Aranyi's blog- bold what you think is true for you. Pass it on.

i have a cell phone
i have friends that (WHO!!!!) use me.
i am an only child
i love dangly earrings.
i love cold weather.
i'm obsessed with the computer (only at work!).
i have shot a gun before.
i can't live without music.
i have no tolerance of ignorant people.
i have ridden on a motorcycle before.
i'll be in this town forever.
i've been to 5 other countries.
i get annoyed easily.
i eventually want kids.
i have neat handwriting.
i have more than a few horrible memories.
i am addicted to chocolate.
i am an atheist.
i love airplane rides. (just not the process of getting to the airport and all the waiting and checks)
i love taking pictures.
i hate people who are fake.
i can be mean when i want to.
my parents care about my grades.
one of my best friends is a girl.i have way too many wallets.
i'm obsessed with lip gloss ( no just chapstick).
i am easy to talk to.
i would never eat raw fish.
i cry easily.
i hate when people are late.
i procrastinate.
i love winter.
i have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
i love to sleep.
i wish i were smarter.
i'm afraid of flying.
i hate drama.
i bite my nails.
i have been on an 8 hour drive.
i never fight with my parents.
i love the beach.
i have never had the chicken pox.
i have gone out in public in my pajamas.
i can't control my emotions.
i have a best friend.
i have moved more than once.
i truly love my friends.
i have braces.
i have never broken a bone.
i hate my computer.
i love girls that (WHO!!!) play the drums.
i state the obvious.
i'm a happy person.
i love to dance.
i love to sing.
i love cleaning my room.
i tend to get jealous very easily.
i love cute underwear.
i love night better than day.
i don't like to study for tests.
i have been on the phone for over 5 hours.
i am too forgiving.
i have horrible sense of direction.
i miss elementary school.
i'm a daddy's boy/daughter
i love the color pink.
i love to sew.
my eye color changes.
i should see a therapist.
i played on a girls sports team.
i become stressed easily.
i hate/detest liars.
i love the smell of rain.
i love my family.
i hate needles.
i am a perfectionist.
i always wanted to learn to play the drums.
i hate the feeling of failure.
i have friends in other countries.
i know how to cook.
i can be quite selfish.
at times, i still act like a little kid.
i have food allergies.
i love to read.
i wish i were more motivated for school.
i love getting stuff in the mail.
i have problems with letting go of old feelings.
i hate being alone.
i love summer.
i love the weekends.
i love black eyeliner.
i think Iâ€™m a looker.
i type with one hand.
i live in a one story house.
i wear make-up.
i have never rode on an underground subway.
i can't swim.
i have bad memories.
i go to church.
i sing in the shower.
i hate cheerleaders.
i usually get what i want.
i have been on stage before.
i love roller coasters.
no one knows the full story of my life.
i am close to my parents.
i don't have a curfew.

Out of a book

2005-11-29T02:41:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel that your life is a story and a wrinkled old man, sits on a yellowed cane chair admist flowing hills, moist with the dew....a bunch of children around his feet urging him to continue telling them the story of your life?

Selfish bubbles

2005-11-29T02:15:00.000-08:00

I am a selfish person and I have no qualms admitting it.

I do not give money to beggars. I do not donate money to social causes. I do not lose sleep over nations fighting, bombs and booby traps exploding and hinterlands sweating in a bloodbath. When the tsunami ate the coastlines and redrew the maps, I watched the news nonstop. Cried every night. But didn't send any clothes, didn't send any money. Prayed a little.
When Hurrican Katrina swallowed New Orleans, a city I had often dreamt of visiting, I saw the gruesome photographs. Like others, I got a little mad at the government and the president but then forgot about my anger because, it would be unfair to hold anyone responsible. Again, I didn't send money, clothes or food.

But everytime I recieve free stuff from my random jobs, I give it to my sister- no matter how bad I want to hold on to it. I always leave that last morsel, that last sip...that last bite on my dinner for my boy-friend. I give my good pillow to anyone who comes to my house for a sleepover, I also let them have my room, and the more comfortable mattress. Even though the other mattress hurts my back. I also let them have the jucier fruit, the fuller bowl of cereal and the warmer piece of bread for breakfast.
I buy the better, the more expensive shoes for my sister when I go shopping and I buy the cheaper kinds for myself. I put away my boy-friend's laundry and fold his clothes. Even though I don't do my own laundry often. I talk to my mother every single day, even on days I don't want to talk to anyone, even on days I have nothing to talk. Sometimes even twice a day because she likes it.
I put away the best candles-holders and the best candles for my mom. Even if I want them, I let her have them. I always listen to the random songs my best friend sends me. Even though I never like them. I share the free samples I recieve from work with my roomates here and I tell my friends that I believe in their dreams. I say hello to strangers and have always thanked the bus-driver since the last 4 years.

I am selfishly selfless and I have no qualms admitting it.

Shining dreams, fading dreams, faraway dreams

2005-11-27T23:56:00.000-08:00

It was an ideal Sunday. Beatific with just the right temperature. My man, me, and my roommate and her boyfriend (also my friend) went out for a late lunch- the others bailed out. On their recommendation we chose this little Greek place, right off the crowded alleys of South Street. It was a tiny restaurant, tucked into folds of burgeoning FCUK and Condom Kingdom stores. Our waitress, was chewing a kalamata olive leaf as she welcomed us and situated us in a dark, tiny room, next to the kitchen. A large chandelier emitted a soft red glow and framed pictures of the Greek Isles glittered eeriley in the aura.
Over lunch we discussed many things. San Fransico vs New York, living in a city vs living in a suburb, cigars, money, careers and food. Being a vegeterian denies me of a cultural experience - local food. My friend nibbled hungrily at their lamb legs as I made an effort to like the olive-roll and plain, baked vegetables. Our lunch was over quickly but our conversations were just begining.
We talked about life, dreams and money. S said he wanted to make $5m by age 40 and then retire and pursue his dream - of making movies. G said she wanted to start her resutarant after she made her first M. R said he wanted to work or the government and go back to school to learn. And I wondered.... what did I want to do after...? after what?!

I realized, that unlike my friends and my boyfriend- I am already doing what I love. I am living my dream. I am not waiting to hit a certain age, make a certain amount of money or do certain things before I can follow my dreams. Yea, my situation is different. I don't have to worry about Green-Card and such but even if I had to, I probably would still be doing what I am doing right now: following my dream.

R said I was lucky. I bristled a little. I didn't want luck to take credit for my sensibility. And then R said, I was lucky that I had the guts to follow my dreams and not worry about stability and the regular things.

I glowed. But it is true.

I make peanuts right now. But I have faith, tons of it. I believe, if you follow your dream, if you are good at what you do- the money will come. Perhaps a little late, but it will.

I don't denounce my friends for not following their dreams right now. I think every dream has it's own time to be born. Perhaps, their time is not right now.

I am not afraid of the things regular people are afraid of. I am not worried that I will not have food to eat. I am not worried I won't have money to live. I am not worried about what the world will say. And I don't care much about what others think about the way I live my dreams and work towards achieving them. (after all, these are my dreams and I know the best about my strategy)

It takes a different sensibility to be recklessly single-minded- and I was lucky to be born with it. Logic defies me. I defy logic. Or maybe I am one of those weaklings, who cannot be happy doing anything else but that they love. That is, after all, a weakness.

But it never occured to me, that it is also my strength. In Lost, John Locke says to Dr.Jack, "You are a man of science. I am a man of faith."
Those words stayed with me. I have immense faith in myself. I once read in 'The Alchemist' that once you send a wish, a desire to the universe-- the entire universe works towards making it come true for you. You only have to want it bad enough.

Another highlight of my evening? I saw different facets to my friends. I heard their dreams and saw it in their eyes how bad they wanted to achieve their goals. I congratulated them secretly in my mind-- because their job is already half done :) They've wished it. Now, the universe has started working its way....

New City, New Women

2005-11-26T19:29:00.000-08:00

Ever noticed how Indian men when in a new country have pictures of themselves surrounded by white american/british/russian women in their MSN screenanmes? It's like their rite of passage, something that sets them apart from their Indian counter parts. Like they are declaring, I've marked my territory.

Out of pure voyeuristic pleasures, I see profiles of random people on friendster and hi5 and I've almost always noticed that "boys" love showing off that they are every woman's dream. Posing with a bevy of women, as though they were in 16th century India and had a harem to themselves... it's a completley different story that they've probably taken those pictures when they were piss drunk and the white women just thought they were so cute because they were acting like the vernacular, misbehaved, crude Indians that they are...

Ugh.

The Why, the How and the When of it.

2005-11-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

Blogger templates suck. I didn't want to begin my first post on this note, but after spending an hour wondering which of those would do most justice to my canvas. Didn't have much luck, as you see. I ended up choosing pure white. I need a better template and I know exactly what I want, but I will ruminate on it later.

I used to be against anonymity. I don't see the point in revealing your soul on a blog or an online diary and not disclosing your identity. I've used to journal, I was among the first people in my circle of friends to ever have an online diary on diaryland. But sometime between realizing the futility of it and the strange, familarity it encompasses- I stopped journaling altogether.

Between wanting people to read about my vacillating emotions and fiercely securing my privacy to my thoughts, I still remain undecided about opening the inner-workings of my mind and exposing my insecurities to the anonymous readers. More so about being anonymous myself.

I wondered why I changed.. I wondered why and how diary-ing became passe for me.
I think.. sometimes when we write.. it is easy to get carried away. esp. when we write about things that our close to our hearts and that matter to us. And from that writing, a vendetta emerges... things that aren't really there come to life and everything that's abstract and misty in our head, heart and mind-- is forever imprinted on your future.

Which is why I stopped writing in my diary, I think.. my mind was filled with...crazy thoughts that when considered- had no foundations or mass. yes. my fears, my insecurities...my happiness. I dont know.. I guess somewhere when writing for 5 years, I saw the simple truth in life and that is just one, nothing lasts. and what lasts, is not meant to be questioned or debated.

I'd be happy one day.. sad the next.. frustrated... and I'd write about it. but when I'd go read it-- it wouldn't make sense... I didn't really care. and then I thought, what was the point of creating something I didn't care about, something that wasn't beautiful and something that wouldn't make sense to me a few years down.
Sometimes I used to write to catalog my memories. Everything from the color of shirt my crush wore to the fun-evenings I spent with my friends. When I read those entries again, sometimes they sparked the faint remnants of that memory, sometimes they bought it to life and sometimes, just blanked out.

But through all the years of my journalling, I've realized one thing. What we remember most, are the people and days when we're the happiest. Those memories stay with us even if we don't chronicle them or print them event to event, word to word on paper. The glow, the aura of smiles and festivity and loud laughter emanates long after we have forgotten what made us happy in the first place.

It's the same reason why I learnt that maybe some of the best moments of our life aren't meant to be preserved forever on lucid photographic film.

Do I regret that I cannot bring myself to write with such fervor and passion? Yes and No. I regret that I have lost the ability to talk about my life and my emotions with total abandon. But I think there may be a deeper reason to this. Love and disappointment, are the two things humans feel strongly and respond to. Love in my life now is him. What I share with him, I like it to remain between me and him, which is strange becoz in my earlier exploits with love- I'd literally share every single detail online. So now when I'm hurt in love, I try not to journal about it because I care too much about him to let others judge or be privy to what goes on between me and him. Even the precious moments, mean so much to me that sharing them would make them lose their....umm, sharing them would tinge the percious-ness. you get it?

About my disappointments-- writing about them provided me temporary relief. He taught me to probe myself, and seek out the relief from within, without resorting to writing.
I don't know.... there are so many reasons why and why not. I thought I wouldn't return to active journalling for a while, but now I have. After a sprinkled two year haitus.

About reasons for coming back - I missed writing. And I missed people reading my writing. Who ever tells you that they write in secret is lying because everyone wants their words to be read. Just like a painter wants his work to be seen and admired.. a dance wants to be appreciated... a musician wants us to listen... I want to be read.

On that note, welcome! Welcome to CityLights/NeonNights.